Written March 2011
The day started off with Presto, Nick, Ginger Ballz Joe, Barker, and some other people that I don’t remember. We bum around at Presto’s and then head to Woodfield Mall. We fuck around for a little and they buy some clothes. We get back to Presto’s and start playing with some fireworks! Fireworks are always fun not matter what size they are. Obviously the bigger the better but fireworks are kind of like boobs. Everybody loves boobs! They might be mosquito bites or little speed bumps but they still are boobs. Men are like dogs. A bone is a bone no matter on the size; similar to fireworks and boobs. We will always play with them and accept them the way they are. But everything has a down side; bones can hurt your teeth, boobs may have pepperoni nipples, and fireworks can back fire into your brand new t-shirt. While nick was fucking around with fireworks it backfired on him and put a nice burn hole in the t-shirt that he owned for about an hour. Sick life right?
Presto: “Yo Porch you can come to the party if you get us booze.”
Porch: “Yes, I can most defiantly get you alcohol!”
Sweet! Later average life, Porch coming through! These cunts twiddling with my balls…god damn it! We gather up in the car and meet up with this kid Anthony and Kurt. Anthony’s cousin is throwing the party out in Johnsburg and he comes out of his house with a bunch of bottles of liquor. I owe him a night out on the town. I make a bunch of phone calls trying to get more alcohol but it’s a bust. We cruise around figuring it out and I call my buddy Mico.
Porch: “Mico you bum what are you doing?”
Mico: “Yo nothing what are you doing tonight?”
Porch: “Party in Johnsburg. Can you buy me a case?”
Mico: “What you want me to buy you a case for you to go to a party?”
Porch: “Well I don’t think I can invite people.”
Presto: “It’s all good Porch, three other people were meant to come.”
Porch: “Oh well never mind. I’m picking you up right now.”
We pick up Mico at a park and walk back to the lads. There was this one big Mexican that looks like my buddy Robert.
Porch: “What? Is that a Robert wanna-be?”
Mico: “Who would want to be Robert? I hate that kid.”
Porch: “Wait, who’s Robert?”
We make our way there and this place isn’t close. It’s about a 45 minute drive there and we stop at a 7-11 to get alcohol. Mico collects the money and walks in and out not a bother. He didn’t even get carded. Damn Mico you are probably one the coolest kids I know! We finally get there and there are cars everywhere! The houses are huge in the surrounding! Dumb rich drunk sluts? Perfect.
I crank up the accent and walk into the house. Bitches everywhere and the place is bumpin’. I see this bimbo and start talking to her.
Porch: “Heyya love how’s things? I’m Porch.”
Bimbo: “OMG hey! I’m Bimbo and I own the house! Nice to meet you!”
Porch: “You too boo, where the beer pong at?”
Bimbo: “Um I don’t know probably the basement!”
I’m walking around seeing who is here and who to fuck with. I walk around the corner and I see this little kid about 5ft tall and weighs about 100 pounds with a fork trying to stab the person in front of him.
Porch: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there skipper, what are you doing?”
Skipper: “I’m going to stab him!”
Porch: “What why? Go on put the fork down.”
Skipper: “Alright thanks. I’m Skipper. I got a case of beer in the fridge, help yourself.”
Skipper: “Damn thanks bro! I’m Porch.”
I go the fridge and stack up on beers. I put 4 beers in my shorts and two in hand. I walk over to Mico and give him a beer and tell him to stock up on the beer in the fridge.
Hobbit: “OMG you’re like 28 years old!”
Porch: “Yeah I’m defiantly not 19 anyway…”
Hobbit: “No-way! You are so like 30!”
For your information I get this about 5 times that night. I walk around the house seeing what’s good and I hit up the basement. I was wondering around telling everyone I’m from Ireland and they all fall in love. Everybody love the Irish guy! Gotta love it! I go down into the basement and I see Mico sitting in a circle smoking some weed. At that time era I wasn’t smoking weed because I was looking for a job and what not. I stayed clean for three months believe it or not! I walk over and I see Bimbo and Hobbit sitting with a bunch of people. I guess that’s the cool kids of the house.
Hobbit: “OMG hey porch!!!!!!”
Porch: “Hey hobbit! Aren’t you looking lovely down there!”
Hobbit: “Oh stop it!”
Bimbo: “Porch is from Ireland!”
Everyone is wowed that I moved here from Ireland and starts talking to me and asking questions. Blah, blah, blah, shit goes on I keep wondering and talking to the crew.
I walk back to the fridge for a beer and there was none left. Fuck man what am I going to do? I search the kitchen real quick and I find nothing. I walk into the garage and I’m looking through all of the cabinets and fridges. Absolute nothing! I walk out and talk to Mico and figure shit out. I walk downstairs and all the people that were on the couch and that were smoking left upstairs or into a different room. I see their cooler of beer and I tip-toe my way over and take the cooler and go out of sight. There were about 10 beers left and I stocked my pockets and hands. I walk up stairs and I go into an office room. I hide them in a case in the corner. I walk out with a few beers and I see Anthony.
Porch: “Yo Anth, you got any alcohol left?”
Anthony: “Nah man we drank it all. Where did you get those beers from?”
Porch: “I stole them from a cooler I found downstairs, they are in the office room in the corner.”
I hand Mico another beer and were all feeling pretty good at this point.
Robert Wanna-Be: “Yo there are two girls having sex upstairs!”
Instantly I go right on upstairs and walk into the bathroom.
Porch: “Whoa! Whoops!”
When I walked in there were three girls in the bathroom. One with her shirt off and they all screamed when I walked in. I turn around and start to go down stairs.
Bimbo: “Hey do you want to make out?”
Slut 1: “Um yeah obviously!”
The two ho-bags start making out in front of everybody and a lot of people are cheering!
Slut 2: “Let me get in on that!”
Now there was three little slutty yanks seeking and exploding for attention. Girls are so dumb. They are trying to get guys attentions in the dumbest ways. I mean, yeah it was kind of cool seeing a bunch of girls make out I guess but still. Saying hello will get enough attention but hey, why not have WHORE tattooed on your forehead just to make it clear for everyone to know?
Porch: “Wait, so all I have to say is “Let me get in on that!” and then I get bitches all over me? “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!””
I guess whores stick to their packs. Whatever they are too young anyway. I walk back downstairs and beer it up. Make rounds back and forth to the office for beer. On my last trip I noticed that all of the beer was gone and I didn’t drink all of them. Hmm, what could have happened?
Porch: “Yo where is all the beer gone?”
Rich Boy: “I don’t know you guys stole it and drank it all.”
Porch: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”
There were random bouncy balls getting thrown around and ended up breaking a window in the front living room. Bimbo starts breaking out in tears with her dumb friends trying to make her feel better or whatever. Shit was going down and nearly started a fight. I went up to the guy who threw the ball and I told him I have his back if any shit goes down. I didn’t really like those other kids and I was drunk so it wasn’t a bad combo. Nothing ever happened but those lads ended up leaving.
As if I was a magnet, alcohol always comes my way! In my life I suffer from the downs to keep me happy with these uppers! I will say that’s fair! I meet a few guys and they had some bottles of whiskey and I got myself a cup or two to stay sippin’. I look over to the right of me and this kid knocked over a chair. I walk over and grab him by his shirt and threw him against the wall.
Porch: “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING KNOCKING OVER CHAIRS?!”
I held him up there for a few seconds and then let him down because I was only fucking with him. Everybody is looking over at this point and when I let the kid down he punch’s me in the jaw.
Porch: “GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE!”
I throw him out the door by the back of the neck and I grab the door handle to open the door but the kid was shitting his pants so hard he pulled the door handle with him when he flew out the door and the door handle broke. Presto comes running over and holds me back.
Porch: “FUCK THAT KID! IMA FUCK HIS BITCH ASS UP!!!! LET ME OUTSIDE!”
Presto: “PORCH CHILL OUT, CHILL OUT! FUCK THAT KID!”
Porch: “Alright…fucking cunt.”
I look down and I see the door handle in my hand. Whoops! I can here Bimbo crying and freaking out because her parents are going to kill her or something. I kind of felt bad about it but as Mico said it: “Whatever dude, fuck that bitch.” The kid didn’t come back for about an hour and I seen him upstairs. The kid was passed out on the ground like he got ran over by a semi-truck; Out for the count. I chill with them for a while and I tell them the story “The Reason I Quit Drinking Captain Morgan.” They all loved the story and it’s one of my personal favorites. I stayed sippin’ with them for a while. They were giving me some shots and what not. I go downstairs to the gang but time was ticking and Presto and Nick come up to me to tell me that they are leaving. Hmm, I don’t want to leave.
Porch: “Mico, should we leave or crash here?”
Mico: “We should keep drinking.”
Porch: “Down, how are we getting home?”
Mico: “I don’t know; we will figure it out.”
Porch: “Yo Presto, were going to stay here.”
Presto: “Alright man, stay out of trouble!”
I go down stairs pretty drunk and I see some lads walk in the door. Bimbo went crazy for them and my radar caught alcohol on its 5 miles radius! I go over and talk to them. About 5 minutes in the conversation everyone is going crazy and freaking out at Mico. They are trying to kick us out and shit. We were at the door surrounded by a bunch of kids. Bimbo comes up to Mico and I telling us that she wants us to stay but all the lads behind her are talking shit.
Porch: “Tell them to shut the fuck up or shit will go down.”
Bimbo: “OMG GUYS SHUT UP!”
Porch: “Bimbo, we will stay in the basement and mind our own business. I don’t even know what the problem is.”
Bimbo: “Well Mico tried stabbing my friends with a pair of scissors.”
Porch: “Haha wait, what?”
Mico: “Yeah man they were talking shit to you and I got your back.”
Porch: “They were?”
The arguing continues and I was about to go ape shit on these cunts but we needed a place to stay and we were very far from our houses. Everyone is telling us to leave numerous times.
Mico: “Well go get my fucking shoes and I will leave then.”
Fags: “No man fuck you, you go get them!”
Mico: “No that’s a load of bullshit. You are the ones that want me to leave so go get my shoes.”
They actually go all the way into the basement and got his shoes, what a tool. They keep telling us to leave and we all end up outside at like 3am in the morning. Its Mico and I with 20 some guys trying to start shit.
Porch: “Yo Oklahoma, come here.”
Oklahoma: “Yo what’s good man?”
Porch: “Shit, tell your friends to stay away from Mico or shit will have to go down. I don’t anything to happen. I live 45 minutes away. That’s driving. We need to sleep here.”
Oklahoma: “Alright man will do.”
I look over towards Mico and he is getting ambushed by guys.
Porch: “COME ON WHAT THE FUCK!”
I run over and push this lanky fuck out of the way and right before shit started to hit the fan…all you hear is “COPS!!!!“ OH SHIT!!! Mico runs inside and I run around the house. When I ran to the side of the house I kept far to the left and then seen the huge open space to run. I sprint straight down the field and then loop my way around to her neighbors’ backyard where there were trees. I chill in the trees and just to add to my luck; Mosquitoes are fucking eating my whole body. I kept slapping my legs, face, and arms. I can see the street and there are two cop cars. I chill in these trees and stay hidden. I stay there for about five minutes and work my way out of there. Being as quite as I can possibly be which isn’t typically quite. But in a life or death situation; I’m and Asian with a mute button. I sneak my way out and there is a little hump. I army crawl my way up there and look out for cops and flashlights. Still getting rapped by mosquitos; at that moment, I knew I should have gone home. I recently just got out of jail about two weeks before and I couldn’t get caught or get any sort of ticket, misdemeanor, or felonies. I’m at the hump and the coast is clear. I bear crawl into Bimbos backyard and then I look over and I see a flash light shine from the left and follows through to the right. FUCK! I run and jump under the trampoline. The grass isn’t cut and the fucking dumb, cunting, annoying mosquitos won’t get off of me! They are kind of like these girls when they found out about hormones; Just non-stop sucking. I camouflage my way into the grass and so the cops don’t see me. Once the flash light is gone I get out from under the trampoline and run to the back sliding door. I get to the door and it’s locked with all the lights turned off with nobody in sight. Fuck dude I’m getting fucked tonight. There’s nothing worse than waking up in that jail cell, unless you don’t know how you got there. The moment of truth was deceiving when I seen that flash light shine across again. It was only time when the cops would come around through the back. Since they seen kids run in that direction. Scratching, slapping, and telling them to fuck off was getting old and I couldn’t get in. The flash light gets closer and closer, nowhere to hide and no excuse on why I’m there. I knock on the door slightly trying not to get the cops attention and ringing the door buzzer trying to get in.
Porch: “Yo its Porch! Let me in!”
This goes on for about 10 minutes and my phone was dead. I keep buzzing and knocking. I don’t know how the cops haven’t came in through the back yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed. About 5 minutes later Mico comes and opens the door. Finally I was saved! It was just Mico and I with a bunch of girls. Everybody else insta-dipped! I waited outside for so long because the girls didn’t want to let anyone else in. well fuck them. Beer is gone and now there’s nothing else to do. We are the survivors!
The house is a fucking wreck! Bimbo is crying and I am cleaning up a little bit. I don’t know why but I always feel I have to clean up a little bit when I got to another party. I sweeping the floor and Bimbo is on the floor sobbing with her makeup is all over her face and she is just hating her life. Broken door handle, broken window, clown face, and a messy house.
Bimbo: “Wh…whh…why are you cleaning? I...I don’t care…I’m just…asking.”
Porch: “I don’t know you are obviously having a shitty night and you are letting me spend the night here so it’s the least I can do.”
Well that was awkward. Everyone was asleep and the house smelled like puke. I sweep up the floor and Bimbo came over to help me. We get done cleaning and I fix the door I broke and the front door handle wasn’t on either. Mr. Fix-it to the rescue! I chill with the girls do nothing and I get bored. I go into the office room and play some music and do my Facebook. On the table there was a calendar and it’s obviously her dad’s work room. On the day before date I wrote “I fucked your wife on this table.” On the day of I wrote “I fucked your daughter too.” I turn up the music and wonder around. Bimbo is bitching and I don’t take notice of her. She goes into the office room and turns it down.
Bimbo: “KEEP IT DOWN! OR LEAVE!”
Porch: “Yeah I will defiantly keep it down.”
Went to go changed the song and I turned it up all the way.
Bimbo: “What the fuck Porch when are you leaving? It’s 7am!”
Porch: “Sorry I didn’t hear you.”
Bimbo: “WHEN ARE…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Bimbo: “OMG When…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
I continuously cut her off and she gets pissed and walks away. Mico is asleep on the chair and I am still awake. I walk over to the kitchen area and I see three to-go boxes. I look inside of it and JACKPOT! Breakfast food! Eggs, sausages, and bacon!
Bimbo: “Um when are you guys leaving? I have to go to Wisconsin.”
Porch: “Oh its fine, I will mind the house for you.”
Bimbo: “No! You have to…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Mico wakes up and joins me with all of this breakfast that we have. Savaging down all of the food and just bumming on this lovely morning. Once around 8am rolls around we think it’s time to call a taxi. Us two combined=$0.00 with a stolen Hat and sunglasses. Only god knows how we are going to pay the taxi driver but it will work itself out. Mico suggests that we run away from the cab and I should just follow his lead. Fuck man I just ran away from the cops now he wants me to run away from a taxi and then cops?!
Mico’s house was about 15 minutes away since he moved to Island Lake and the taxi is about $25. She drops us off right at his house. Mico goes inside of his house and calls his mom and she ends up paying for the taxi. Mico has a German Sheppard dog that absolutely hates me with a fiery passion. I walk in and I lay down on the couch. Champ (The dog) jumps on the couch and lays down next to me by my feet. As I shit my heart out of my asshole I count the 100 sheep and fall asleep.
Barely slept and I wake up with Champ in the same position. I sneak off the couch and go to the bathroom. I take my piss and as I open the door Champ is sitting outside of the door. He would growl every time I tried to open the door. Fuck I’m getting bullied by a dog. But a very scary dog! About 20 minutes go by and I am still in the bathroom, cornered by this cunt. I try yelling for help but Mico is passed out cold. Finally Mico wakes up to my S.O.S call and starts knocking on the door making Champ think somebody is at the front door. He starts barking and running towards the door. I see my gap and I take it! I run to the computer and sit down and try my hardest not to make eye contact with Champ. I was posting Facebook status’ trying to get someone to pick me up but no good. Bumblefuck over rules all friendships; you are a lonely wolf in the middle of the Antarctica with basically nowhere to go. It feels like you are falling from outer space because things have been just going downhill. My phone was dead and Mico didn’t have a phone charger. We were fucked beyond all needs. Champ comes near me again but he is more towards the bathroom and I was to the right of it. It was time for me to go piss again but Champ would not let me in. Every move I made he would growl. Seriously? Can I just go piss and you can just fuck off or something? Go piss on fire hydrants or chase your tail! Fuck it, I’m going to just hold it. Mico finally wakes up and we decide on how we are going to get out of here. I go through my Facebook and he does his; no good. Ever since Mico woke up Champ go nicer to me. I sit down next to Champ and watch TV knowing that everything will be okay! I try petting him, since I’m in the zone and all but he snaps and barks very loudly! If there is anything in life that I am afraid of, it’s defiantly this dog. I stand in the corner waiting to be saved. Champ is staring me down like a hawk and every move I try to make, his growls get louder.
5 minutes later
Mico: “Porch, where did you do?”
Porch: “Your dog has me cornered and I can’t move without my life being threatened.”
Mico: “Just walk over and never mind him.”
Ugh worst thing about being a man is that you have to be a MAN! No time for pussin’ out or being a little bitch about it. JUST DO IT! I can’t do it; slowly but surely I tip-toed my way out of the corner when he wasn’t looking. Once I get close enough I leap into the safety zone!
Porch: “Yo do you have a house phone?”
Mico: “No, we have to go to the neighbors’ house to ask if we can use theirs.”
Porch: “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to do that!”
Mico: “Yeah well we kind of have too.”
Ugh we go out to his neighbors’ house and nobody is home. We walk down the street to another house and we walk up to the door and knock. The second we knock their dogs viscously freaks out like when a crack head goes dry. I shake my head and think to myself “I fucking hate dogs…” This small lady comes to the door and we ask if we can use her phone. We talked about how Mico is her neighbor and how it would be growing up here. Yaknow, that shit. I call my mom to have her pick me up and I tell her how to get there and what not. Success I got a ride! But it’s going to Elgin and we are trying to go to Arlington Heights.
About an hour later Mother Goose rolls up to take me home. Mico goes out first hoping she can drop us in Arlington Heights. I follow behind Mico but before I get out Champ is right there staring me down. Honestly, what did I do for this dog to torment me and have me locked in this house? I call for help but Mico just tells me to never mind the dog. Yeah okay that’s cool; I will just not even pay attention to this growling, porch-wanting, hungry, dying to kill me dog. Why didn’t I think of that? I sneak my way there…like that’s possible for my big oaf ass. Slowly move my way to the door and once I get close enough I zoom for the door like an African for food. Unfortunately Mama Bear cannot take us to Arlington Heights so that leaves me stuck in Elgin and Mico still at his house. We make our way home and she is telling me how she was calling all of my friends because she was worried I died or landed in jail. She said she called Stefani and it didn’t seem that she was very fond of Mico. Well there’s another day for us to sit around the fire to tell that story. I tell her all of that mumbo-jumbo and she always talks to me about stuff trying to figure it out and get in the picture. She is the kind of mother who is always happy and talking to all my friends and they love her.
Mother Goose: “What? I thought Stefani and Mico were tight!”
Haha oh god damn mother you are one silly guy! Her using slang is like George Washington in saggy jeans playing craps down in Cabrini Green. Finally we make it home down the half hour trip and success was all on my mind. No money, no problems. Getting around with no money isn’t easy but if you let it figure itself out then it will; well mostly. After that night you can only tell yourself to have fun and fuck everything else. Responsibilities shall fall in place but it’s up to you to choose which is the weakest link and how can you live your life without fucking it up. Your parent’s rules are good for the future, but without a past how can you make it there? Have fun and get drunk while you are doing it.
Stay Wasted, Porch.