This quote is from a night a Jim’s house where he had about 50 people raging.
CJ: “Porch, STOP CHUGGING! You are going to puke!”
Porch: “NO IM FROM FUCKING IRELAND! BEER IS LIKE WATER TO ME!”
An hour later:
CJ: “Porch stop chugging you’re going to puke and you will look like a bitch in front of all the bitches.”
Porch: “Oh no it’s okay, I already puked.”
Hurley: “Porch what would you do if you become rich?”
Flip: “Order strippers…”
Hurley: “Nah he would have to get them expensive escorts.”
Porch: “If I got a bunch of escorts in a hotel room I would make them do pushups hahaha”
I don’t know why I love this quote by Lily: “GPS’s are for tourists."
I’m at the wolves’ game and I go to give Mike his ticket. As Mike walks in the ticket lady rushes over to him to take his ticket.
Porch: “Oh well you were quick!”
Ticket Lady: (Looks at me then laughs) “Oh sorry.”
Porch: “its okay, I cum quick sometimes too.”
Here are a bunch of Quotes I've said over the years.
Porch: “Some people say STFU (Shut The Fuck Up) but I say Swagga Tilted, Flow Uninterrupted.”
Porch: “Love stands for Long Organic Virgin Erections.”
Porch: “Miley Cyrus has been 18 for 3days now. I’m just waiting for the sex tape.”
Porch: "ALL WHITE DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Porch: “6 random people asked to take a picture of me in my Bruno outfit. One Mexican lady gave me her baby to hold it while she takes the picture of us.”
Porch: “Having a boner is like having a beer.”
Porch: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!"
Porch: “Pockets without a phone is like a hand without a beer. FUUUUUUUUUUCK!”
Porch: “Not only am I awesome, I’m Porch McDonagh.”
Porch: “Ah shit, I got the shits, and it’s going to be a shitty day in this shit-hole.”
Porch: “I was more fucked up than the Illinois State Laws.”
Porch: “What fucks bitches and gets money?! THIS GUY!”
Porch: “Well, I guess it’s time for a diet. I better start drinking MGD 64.”
Porch: “I’m looking for an attractive woman that is dumb enough to fall for an Irish accent. Let me know.”
Porch: “Big ballin’, makin’ a stack.”
Porch: “Problems now, money later.”
Porch: “My eyes are bleeding green.”
Porch: “Well in the last 3 weeks I have been in Ireland, I think I drank enough to kill an elephant.”
Porch: “Funny how they say “Drink Responsibly” in a Mike’s Hard commercial!”
Porch: "SUP SWEATY!!!" <---me saying sexy and sweetie to some girl in a mini skirt.
Porch: "Schools are for people who can't make something out of themselves and get bitched at for trying to learn. I got my own board I’m surfing on."
Porch: "Chasers are a wall inbewteen soberness and success. "
Porch: "Marijuana can’t be a meaning of a word. It’s a meaning of life."
Porch: "Life is all about the ups and downs; similar to sex. It’s only great if you go up and down. Live it your way and fuck the rest!"
Porch: "Tokin' on that sweet green leaf."
Porch: "Happy 420 to all, and to all a High Night."
Porch: "The percentages on the amount of people who have seen my penis and how many times i got laid are not close at all!"
Porch: "Up late and staring at the computer; what else to do? Stare at the TV? Sleeping is an 0% option; thanks US Navy for thinking weed is a drug."
Porch: "There are the people who walk through the jungle fighting and trying to survive; then there are the people who wont go near the jungle and walk their way through life without worries or being prepared for anything. But then again the people who grow up and get face-fucked with a reality check think that the soldiers in the jungle are the idiots. Think to yourself why you are still walking outside of the jungle?"
Porch: "I can't wear these pants, I puked on them. *gets handed different pants* I can't wear these pants, I peed in them."
Porch: “So a couple nights ago I felt like a really hot girl.”
Hurley: “Hahaha wait, what?!”
Porch: “Well I was walking around in my little white shorts and bears jersey. That’s what all the hot girls in the movies wear.”
Hurley: "ALRIGHT NOW WE GET TO SIT HERE AND POUT LIKE A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!"
Gina W: “That shirt is very becoming on you, but if I was on you, I’d be cumming too.”
Meghan S: “I’m not an Irish robot like some Porch’s I know.”
Porch: “Hey you called?”
Sarah: “Yeah at like 7am hoping you would answer your phone to get you out of the bathroom because you fell asleep on the toilet!”
Russel B: "Especially getting caught for head in the hallway lmfao that'll never be forgotten.."
Dean is my cousin from Ireland but we didn't meet each other until i was about 12 years old.
Dean: "Hahahaha its funny man when we think about back in the day; we met each other right at the exciting part of life when we were discovering wankin’ drinking and smoking. We never thought we’d be addicted 2 all 3 of them including drugs 7 years down the line Hahahahahaha"
Chrissy B: “Porchy every time I read your Stay Wasted thing I read it in an Irish accent.... lol!! Just thought u should know.”
Jess: "Mmmm I wish his voice were a giant penis so I could have sex with it. Lmfao"
Jess: "I don't have a drinking problem, i have a drinking solution."
This quote is right after I got pepper sprayed because I was apparently resisting arrest when I was standing still.
Cop: “Just take slow deep breathes and it won't burn as bad"
Porch: “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!?!?! MASTURBATING?!?!?!?!”
Stefani: "Porch, you are the modern day Ferris Buller"
Heather: "So.. I was walkin to class like 10 mins ago and these 3 guys were checking me out and then when I walked past I heard them say something about stay wasted and I think they said "she is in this website... By this guy porch about staying wasted and all different stories with it" hahah it was weird."
Suarez: "Drinking isn't a problem it is a priority."
Suarez: "Drinking isn't an addiction it is a commitment."
After Jenny Boo "Liked" the #StayWasted fan page!
Jenny Boo: "Um sooo...this is the best "like" page on the face of the planet! It would be better if WE had pictures to add to it...just sayin :D #LetsGetToWork!"
Today I was driving to the mechanic shop with my sister and once we got there I decided to clean out the car a little bit. I’m cleaning out where my feet are on the passenger side and in on the side of the door. Once I feel something glass down there I wonder what it is? I pick it up and what do ya know but it’s a fucking chillum with weed in it! I can’t believe what I’m seeing! I look around where I am and praying that there are no cops or anyone looking! I get out of the car and try to put together what the fuck just happened! I walk around in circles and just thinking on how this happened! I walk over towards my sister and I’m still in what the fuck mode. She looks at me and asks me what’s wrong with me. I look at her and just chuckle. I whisper over to her and say “a chillum.” She looks at me and laughs. She tells me that she seen it on the back of the car and one of her friends must of forgotten it in the side of the door! Well I took it and put it in my pocket until I got home. I get home and I am very pleased on a lil’ toke sesh’ I’m going to have for myself! I go into the garage and spark a match and puff it up. I hold it in and when I can’t hold no more I blow out. I start to cough & cough & cough! I keep coughing and have a little urge of puking. I go outside (while still coughing) and on my way out I feel a little puke come out. Nothing much did but I kept on coughing and my eyes were tearing out harder than a sorority girl with all the bull shit drama that is ramming up her ass. I finally stop and wipe my tears away and blow my nose and then continue smoking. It’s the first beautiful day in a long time and its making this day that much better! After I’m done smoking I chill in the Man Cave (aka the garage) and listen to Johnny Cash. After a little bit my sister comes in and tells me the tow truck is here. I walk outside and I am blazed. Which makes me think to what was really packed in that chillum? I go talk to the Mexican tow truck driver and he is telling me that he cannot reverse it in the drive way but he can put it on the side of the street. Can’t see why not! He parks it and I am JACKED! My license got suspended in May 2010 for 6months and then my car had to go into the shop for shitting for so long. It’s March and Big Betsy is back! The car is parked and running. He said it is drivable but the transmission needs a little fixing. I try talking Spanish to him but that was a fail so I decide to sit in Ole Big Betsy and listen to music just like the good ole days! After that it felt so good to have it back and to just sit in it. Can’t wait to get it on the road officially!
One random day I was walking home in Elgin and I noticed I was running late and I had to go to work. I start to jog a little bit and I see a man on a bike cycle towards me. He kind of looks goofy when I look at him. Once he cycles past me he says “Slow down Spiderman, Flying is for Superman!” and he continues cycling.
I went to a Mundelein party with Brassil one time and by the end of the night we took a bunch of fruit and vegetable and through it against the walls in the basement. Later on that night I did an 8oz. Jelly shot in a bikini.
I was at Harper one day and I was walking down the hallway and I seen I buddy I partied with over the weekend. I walk over and push him in the wall and say “what’s up ya cunt?” he looks at me in confusion. Turns out he was not the kid I partied with over the weekend.
I told a girl my sisters were going to beat her up and then she cried.
I use to walk around Harper with a condom wrapped over the top an orange juice bottle and turn it upside-down so the condom would be filled with juice. Thus I whip it around in random people’s faces or interview people and use the blown up condom as a microphone.
Lately I have been posting the home page on random college’s home page’s and random drinking pages on Facebook to help me get more views. I have been getting numerous likes from it and so far so good! But there is always a bad apple in the bunch. I woke up this morning and went to go check my lovely Facebook and I have 1 inbox and like 7 notifications’…no big deal. I go to check my inbox and I get a letter from UCLA regarding my website. Here is our email conversation:
UCLA: “Hi, Porch. I wanted to let you know that I've deleted your post from UCLA's page. That isn't really the appropriate place to promote outside efforts. Maybe running a targeted Facebook ad would be a way to reach your audience.”
Porch: “Hi UCLA, lol um ok. It kind of is an appropriate place because a bunch of college kids who do the same thing as I do look on the UCLA page and would happen to see my post and enjoy my stories and what not. But if you would assume it’s the worst place for it, then have fun playing checkers and drinking your Sunny D. Thanks for the heads up and until next time ;o)
Stay Wasted, Porch.”
Haha and it begins! Slowly but surely if my site gets big enough this won’t be the last of it. Obviously UCLA have all of their golden dildos and don’t have any real fun except being plastic ole rich cunts. If they don’t want to hop on the Porch train then I guess that’s cool, if you’re dumb. At least I can say people 2,138 miles away know about me and my site. Porch 1. UCLA 0. Not to mention, the end of my senior year of high school (Which I didn’t go to but the time era.) I got a phone call from the UCLA rugby coach asking me to come out and play for them. Scholarships weren’t able to swing my way because it was a club team, but he said he could have pulled strings to get me in. Porch 2. UCLA 0.
Parents were gone to Ireland on Turnabout weekend my junior year. My little sister and I were having a few people over and then a few lead to 15 or so. Were all drinking away and playing Beer Pong and Quarters. One of the kids that were playing Quarters had chewing dip in his mouth. First mistake. I walk up the stairs and I see him puke all over my kitchen table and floor. I look at him and was like what the fuck? The night just begun! He cleans it up so whatever. We continue partying and the next thing I hear is: BANG BANG BANG!
Cop: “OPEN UP IT’S THE POLICE!”
Porch: “OH SHIT! EVERYONE IN THE BASEMENT NOW!”
Everyone zooms to the basement and I am cleaning up the all the beer cans and shit. I’m freaking out hardcore and I have a big garbage bag full of beer cans. I run into the middle basement and I throw the garbage bag in the mini fridge behind the bar. I run into the bottom basement and I see everyone in the laundry room shitting their pants. I tell everyone to chill while I go check up on what’s going on. I walk upstairs with Cubberly and we look at the window and we see flash lights in the backyard. Holy fucking shit dude we are fucked. This is my first party Anne and I had. So insta-get-fucked? Thanks God you are really helping us out on this one buddy! As I shit my pants for give or take the whole time this is happening and Cubberly and I run into the basement. We take a breather and not believe what the fuck is going on. We double check that we still have our balls and walk up the stairs to the middle basement. Once we reach the top of the stairs we hear footsteps and run back into the laundry room. There are about 15 of us in this little laundry room about 8ft by 20ft. We are all sitting down trying to hide but how are we going to? Have a slumber party in my dirty towels? Or maybe take a twirl in the washing machine? No we just basically sat there hoping nobody would come in here. I’m in the back corner trying to cover myself.
Anne: “Sarah is going to kill me!”
Right there I was like oh fuck. I’m getting Eiffel Towered here; getting fucked by the cops and shitted on by my older sisters and parents. So it’s more like a gangbang in the south side of Chicago. We hear them come down into the bottom basement and walk over to the door. Shitting my pants lead to mass diarrhea and I just cover my head in fear. The door opens and everyone screams “AHH FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” I lift up my head and I see everyone run out. Is this a battle royal against the cops? I walk out and see my buddy Max and a few other kids pretending to be the cops. Oh my god, it felt like my soul dropped out of my body! I couldn’t believe it and I was too happy it wasn’t the cops. I just went over to Max and thanked god it was him! Once everyone pulled their selves together and decides to leave. It ends up only being a few of us lads chilling drinking.
Later on that night we ordered pizza and Max answered it in a towel. The money is stuck in the towel and as he goes to grab it his towel falls out on the floor leaving Max hanging loose full of juice! By the way, Max is a big mother fucker. He is about 6ft 3in 250lbs and jacked.