meth heads to salvia
__
Occurred May 2011
Written May 2011
Guided Relaxation Dub (Borgore) Dude I’m fucked up with pricks in my dicks. Fuck but Yo I had an interesting fucking ass day. Like it was intense, weird, fucked me over, and landed me in where I should be. I don’t know how I do it but what I do is fucking awesome! How? I don’t know! BEER!!!!! Haha okay so it is Saturday 14th (2011 11:43pm) but yesterday I was meant to meet up with my buddy Ho. A couple days prior I made sure to get fucked up with Ho. I haven’t chilled with him in a while so FUCK IT LETS GO INSANE GOT NO BRAIN! Haha I was just listening to this song. Yes, I’m blown. Even to this second; I am typing crunk as FUCK!
I woke up and I got a call from Ho. Now, I haven’t chilled with my main man, shiz-am, blim-blah, dick-in-hand, mother-fuckering-HO!!!!!!!!!!! IN SO FUCKING LONG!!! So I decided to take a train from Elgin to Chicago then to Mount Prospect to finish it off. You know what? Why not, right? Fuck it, so I was on Facebook talking to people and I searched when the next train out to Chicago was boarding. Google maps couldn’t have sucked my dick harder than a vacuum with peer pressure behind it. It said the next train was at 1:40pm; but when I found out the train times it was 1:24pm. Ooohh shit! So I rushed in the shower, got ready, filled my bag up with left over beers from the night before, and RAN to the train station. Literally ran to the strain station; Forrest Gump style. Within 5 minutes to the mile finish line I made it to the train station just about on time. But the train was running late anyway so I could have walked. Sick life, right? Alright, I was almost at Chicago and I haven’t paid for my train ride ticket! I was thinking about this oppnturitty and since I only had $10 in my possession, I said fuck it because a weekend pass is $7! But of course, once I get my hopes up the ticket instructor comes in my lane and called for tickets. Person, by person, he was getting closer to me and I did not like it! I was trying to ride for free home boy! But next thing you know, the train instructor was on my side.
Train instructor: “Do you have a ticket?”
Porch: “Um yeah, how much is a weekend pass?”
TI: “$7”
Porch: “Here-“
TI: “WAIT! Hold on I have to go do something…”
I sat there in WTF mode but thinking…”What if he doesn’t come back!” But then again; I will be gone by that time! Haha so while I was sitting in my seat the instructor never came back! After some time I stood where the pedestrians would get on the train. Therefore making the TI distracted. The moral of that is that I never had to pay for that ride! So I landed in Chicago and looked for my way to the Mount Prospect train. But where is it? I have no idea…
Searching and hunting for the Mount Prospect train and it was unsuccessful. I went to a place where they sell tickets and I figured they could tell me where to go for that train. I looked and looked and I had no clue where the fuck I was! Seriously, like I’m fucking LOST! As I looked, I figured I was in the wrong station because nothing looked familiar. I went to the ticket booth and asked for a schedule and how to get to where I am going. The lady tells me directions but I had no clue on what she was trying to make out. Go this way then that way! She might as well be talking to the wall. So I walked around the train station and once I was about to hit Jackson I roll into a few meth heads…I ignore all eye contact. (BTW: This kid’s eyes were FUCKED and all read around it and a bunch of white shit around his lips.)
Meth Head: “YO can I use your phone? I WILL LET YOU DIAL MY DADS NUMBER IF YOU WANT!!!!!”
I turned around to this kid that is white, 120 pound, and about 5ft 9in. This kid’s life is over with and needs a fixing!
Porch: “Uhh….sure… what’s the number?”
This kid has no future in front of him but he is standing next to me. I can’t just be a dick and shut him off from everything like how everyone else did in his life. So he called his dad and there was no answer. He called again…no answer. He was getting so pissed and aggravated because he couldn’t do anything. He tried one more time and as usual; it was unsuccessful. All went down the piss pot so I walked away.
Meth Head: “DO YOU HAVE SOME SPAIR CHANGE?!”
Porch: “Ugh...I’m short myself but I can give you like $2.”
MH: “ALRIGHT THAT WILLL WORK.”
(I feel like being a good citizen)I walked away and the next thing I know the cops popped up and put MH up in hand cuffs! I walked over there with a bag full of beer I might add.
Porch: “Ummmmmmm is everything okay here?!”
Cop 1: “Yeah, we know this guy.”
MH: “NO PLEASE! I WILL GO HOME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! I JUST USED HIS PHONE TO CALL MY DAD!!!!!”
Porch: “Um I just let him use my phone. Is everything okay?”
Cop 2: “Yes, everything is fine. We’ve dealt with this guy before.”
Porch: “Okay, I just gave him a few bucks…”
Cop 2: “Its okay, we have if from here.”
Uh okay? Haha I will leave at that note! After that fucked up incident I looked around for a way for me to get to Mount Prospect! So in the end- NEVER HELP FUCKED UP PEOPLE! Dude I was pissed. Pure wasted of $2! I searched around this whole fucking place and I know that I am in the wrong train station. I go outside and walked to the train station across the street. I walked in and the place that looks exactly the same as the other place. Now my train to Mount Prospect is at 3:30pm; its 3:35pm. FUCK! I’m walking through Union Hall train station rushing and as I turn to go run up the stairs there were people there taking wedding pictures. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I made a complete stop and this is a huge cock block for catching my train. I’m sure the expression on my face said it all. The bride looked over at me then up again at her husband. Wanna make some second thought baby? (Haha no she didn’t FYI)
Bride: “You know what? You can just go, just go.”
Porch: “Umm okay…CONGRATULATIONS!”
I was running up the stairs; running in-between bridesmaids and groomsmen like I’m Devin Hester. Everything around me is the same thing just like the last fucking train station. Maybe running into the same lady at the ticket booth wasn’t a big enough hint.
Ticket Booth Lady: “You again!”
Porch: “Yeah, I have no idea where I am and I lost my schedule in the wind. Can I have a new one?”
TBL: “Yeah defiantly, did you lose your ticket too?”
Porch: “Nope.”
TBL: “Well here’s a new schedule and you have 45 minutes until your next train. I’m sure you can find it by then!”
FUCK! Just as I said no I realized I could have gotten a free ticket home. Typical cat like reflex’s right? So she told me again how to get to where I want to go. Walking in the general direction she told me to go and I was still lost. I talked to this guy in an elevator and he told me to go outside to Clinton and take that two blocks towards Madison. Ooohh I have to go two blocks? I thought it was across the street. Whoops. So finally I am where I wanted to be and I go to the food court to get some food; only if they have Taco Bell. Otherwise I would wait. JACKPOT! I seen my Taco Bell and ate it up! I ordered two Frito-burritos and a beefy cheesy burrito. (I only had $4 to spend…thanks to a Meth Head; otherwise I’d order the whole menu.)I took my order and went to sit down to eat it but I only had two crunchy tacos and a beefy cheesy burrito? Ugh.
Porch: “Umm hey, I wanted the two crunchy Frito-burritos.”
Cashier: “Ooohh…well you wouldn’t have enough for it anyway”
Porch: “Oh, cool.”
Sick as fuck, right? I never bother to argue so I take my shit and go eat it. Once I was done I made my way to the train I will be taking since I missed my last one because I thought helping a Meth Head would be a better idea. I got on the train with a bag full of beer and debated on drinking it with someone on the way. I sat next to this kid in a tye-dye shirt; pure stoner hippie kind. He seemed like he’d be down. But then again, saving it would be more beneficial. So instead I spread my legs out and just chilled with my legs on the seats in front of me.
Train Instructor: “You are not allowed to have your feet on the chair and you have to keep the seats together unless there are three people or more.”
Porch: “Ugh...um okay, I guess.”
The guy next to me in the tye-dye looks over with the “Fuck that guy” look. Then a father from the seats above said something to me.
Father: “Oh because there are so many people on here right?”
Porch: “Yeah right? It’s so packed out.”
Then a guy all the way down the cab looked over at me, shook his head, puts his hands in the air, and looked at me with the “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” Face. This guy was old and looked like a pedophile. Why is everyone looking and interacting with me? Haha that’s what my first thought was. Such a long day already and I got to sit through this long ass train ride. Another train instructor comes over asking for tickets.
Porch: “Mount Prospect.”
TI: “$7.”
Porch: “Wait, what?! I thought it was only $4!”
TI: “You know it’s an extra $3 when you buy it on the train?”
` Wow, learn something new every day! I only had $4 on me so he let it slide and gave me a ticket. The hippie kid looks over at me again with the same face then I told him about my day. At last I landed in Mount Prospect and as I arrived I seen Ho in his car and I flicked him off. As I was walking over to him I seen these little kids and one of them nearly fell off the train getting off. Next thing you know they start screaming: “PORCH! PORCH! PORCH!”
Porch: “I know you guys? I think I know you guys.”
Kid1: “YO WHAT’S UP MAN?! HOWS YOUR JAW?!”
Oh that’s where I met them! I dislocated my jaw on both side a few weekends ago at a party. (Another story: “Rum Meets Dislocated Jaw.”)
Porch: “It’s all good, hanging in there. I just dislocated it. Mikey right?”
Kid 1: “Nah he’s Mikey, I’m lane, and he is Kid 3.”
(I forgot the other Kid 3’s name)
Porch: “Shit if I knew you lads were on we could have drank all of these beers!”
Lane: “WE GOT A HANDLE!”
Then they ran across the street and I got in the car with Ho. We cruised to his house pounding the subs and we continued the pounding in his driveway.
Porch: “Yo Ho where are we drinking tonight?”
Ho: “Oh were drinking right here right after this song.”
Porch: “Chea, let’s do it.”
We were drinking in his garage and his girlfriend Jwow came over, then along with Hooskie. All in our little circle and suddenly everything just got so much more exciting!
Hooskie: “Oh well I have some Salvia!”
The what, who, when, where, and how questions were shooting out of the cannon and I was jacked! I never tried Salvia before so why not try it! She walked to her car to go get it and at this point I was about seven beers deep so I’m assuming this will mix well with it! The bowl was packed and in rotation; I hit the bowl and Ho tells me to keep going and going. I took my first hit and held it in until I couldn’t any more. After the first hit I pretty much blacked out for a while. But what I do remember that there was a red roof connected from Ho’s car leading to everyone’s head and all the way to the end of the car. WHAT THE FUCK?! I also remember standing up and down in different places around where we were sitting. I don’t know but once I came back into it, the Salvia started wearing off and I noticed I was being video recorded. Throughout the rest of the night, we smoked some more weed and listened to the subs pound. Jwow and Hooskie insisted on fucking with me throughout all of this as well, poking me with an umbrella to pinching me an un-necessary amount of times. Getting pinched fucking HURTS!
Written May 2011
Guided Relaxation Dub (Borgore) Dude I’m fucked up with pricks in my dicks. Fuck but Yo I had an interesting fucking ass day. Like it was intense, weird, fucked me over, and landed me in where I should be. I don’t know how I do it but what I do is fucking awesome! How? I don’t know! BEER!!!!! Haha okay so it is Saturday 14th (2011 11:43pm) but yesterday I was meant to meet up with my buddy Ho. A couple days prior I made sure to get fucked up with Ho. I haven’t chilled with him in a while so FUCK IT LETS GO INSANE GOT NO BRAIN! Haha I was just listening to this song. Yes, I’m blown. Even to this second; I am typing crunk as FUCK!
I woke up and I got a call from Ho. Now, I haven’t chilled with my main man, shiz-am, blim-blah, dick-in-hand, mother-fuckering-HO!!!!!!!!!!! IN SO FUCKING LONG!!! So I decided to take a train from Elgin to Chicago then to Mount Prospect to finish it off. You know what? Why not, right? Fuck it, so I was on Facebook talking to people and I searched when the next train out to Chicago was boarding. Google maps couldn’t have sucked my dick harder than a vacuum with peer pressure behind it. It said the next train was at 1:40pm; but when I found out the train times it was 1:24pm. Ooohh shit! So I rushed in the shower, got ready, filled my bag up with left over beers from the night before, and RAN to the train station. Literally ran to the strain station; Forrest Gump style. Within 5 minutes to the mile finish line I made it to the train station just about on time. But the train was running late anyway so I could have walked. Sick life, right? Alright, I was almost at Chicago and I haven’t paid for my train ride ticket! I was thinking about this oppnturitty and since I only had $10 in my possession, I said fuck it because a weekend pass is $7! But of course, once I get my hopes up the ticket instructor comes in my lane and called for tickets. Person, by person, he was getting closer to me and I did not like it! I was trying to ride for free home boy! But next thing you know, the train instructor was on my side.
Train instructor: “Do you have a ticket?”
Porch: “Um yeah, how much is a weekend pass?”
TI: “$7”
Porch: “Here-“
TI: “WAIT! Hold on I have to go do something…”
I sat there in WTF mode but thinking…”What if he doesn’t come back!” But then again; I will be gone by that time! Haha so while I was sitting in my seat the instructor never came back! After some time I stood where the pedestrians would get on the train. Therefore making the TI distracted. The moral of that is that I never had to pay for that ride! So I landed in Chicago and looked for my way to the Mount Prospect train. But where is it? I have no idea…
Searching and hunting for the Mount Prospect train and it was unsuccessful. I went to a place where they sell tickets and I figured they could tell me where to go for that train. I looked and looked and I had no clue where the fuck I was! Seriously, like I’m fucking LOST! As I looked, I figured I was in the wrong station because nothing looked familiar. I went to the ticket booth and asked for a schedule and how to get to where I am going. The lady tells me directions but I had no clue on what she was trying to make out. Go this way then that way! She might as well be talking to the wall. So I walked around the train station and once I was about to hit Jackson I roll into a few meth heads…I ignore all eye contact. (BTW: This kid’s eyes were FUCKED and all read around it and a bunch of white shit around his lips.)
Meth Head: “YO can I use your phone? I WILL LET YOU DIAL MY DADS NUMBER IF YOU WANT!!!!!”
I turned around to this kid that is white, 120 pound, and about 5ft 9in. This kid’s life is over with and needs a fixing!
Porch: “Uhh….sure… what’s the number?”
This kid has no future in front of him but he is standing next to me. I can’t just be a dick and shut him off from everything like how everyone else did in his life. So he called his dad and there was no answer. He called again…no answer. He was getting so pissed and aggravated because he couldn’t do anything. He tried one more time and as usual; it was unsuccessful. All went down the piss pot so I walked away.
Meth Head: “DO YOU HAVE SOME SPAIR CHANGE?!”
Porch: “Ugh...I’m short myself but I can give you like $2.”
MH: “ALRIGHT THAT WILLL WORK.”
(I feel like being a good citizen)I walked away and the next thing I know the cops popped up and put MH up in hand cuffs! I walked over there with a bag full of beer I might add.
Porch: “Ummmmmmm is everything okay here?!”
Cop 1: “Yeah, we know this guy.”
MH: “NO PLEASE! I WILL GO HOME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! I JUST USED HIS PHONE TO CALL MY DAD!!!!!”
Porch: “Um I just let him use my phone. Is everything okay?”
Cop 2: “Yes, everything is fine. We’ve dealt with this guy before.”
Porch: “Okay, I just gave him a few bucks…”
Cop 2: “Its okay, we have if from here.”
Uh okay? Haha I will leave at that note! After that fucked up incident I looked around for a way for me to get to Mount Prospect! So in the end- NEVER HELP FUCKED UP PEOPLE! Dude I was pissed. Pure wasted of $2! I searched around this whole fucking place and I know that I am in the wrong train station. I go outside and walked to the train station across the street. I walked in and the place that looks exactly the same as the other place. Now my train to Mount Prospect is at 3:30pm; its 3:35pm. FUCK! I’m walking through Union Hall train station rushing and as I turn to go run up the stairs there were people there taking wedding pictures. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I made a complete stop and this is a huge cock block for catching my train. I’m sure the expression on my face said it all. The bride looked over at me then up again at her husband. Wanna make some second thought baby? (Haha no she didn’t FYI)
Bride: “You know what? You can just go, just go.”
Porch: “Umm okay…CONGRATULATIONS!”
I was running up the stairs; running in-between bridesmaids and groomsmen like I’m Devin Hester. Everything around me is the same thing just like the last fucking train station. Maybe running into the same lady at the ticket booth wasn’t a big enough hint.
Ticket Booth Lady: “You again!”
Porch: “Yeah, I have no idea where I am and I lost my schedule in the wind. Can I have a new one?”
TBL: “Yeah defiantly, did you lose your ticket too?”
Porch: “Nope.”
TBL: “Well here’s a new schedule and you have 45 minutes until your next train. I’m sure you can find it by then!”
FUCK! Just as I said no I realized I could have gotten a free ticket home. Typical cat like reflex’s right? So she told me again how to get to where I want to go. Walking in the general direction she told me to go and I was still lost. I talked to this guy in an elevator and he told me to go outside to Clinton and take that two blocks towards Madison. Ooohh I have to go two blocks? I thought it was across the street. Whoops. So finally I am where I wanted to be and I go to the food court to get some food; only if they have Taco Bell. Otherwise I would wait. JACKPOT! I seen my Taco Bell and ate it up! I ordered two Frito-burritos and a beefy cheesy burrito. (I only had $4 to spend…thanks to a Meth Head; otherwise I’d order the whole menu.)I took my order and went to sit down to eat it but I only had two crunchy tacos and a beefy cheesy burrito? Ugh.
Porch: “Umm hey, I wanted the two crunchy Frito-burritos.”
Cashier: “Ooohh…well you wouldn’t have enough for it anyway”
Porch: “Oh, cool.”
Sick as fuck, right? I never bother to argue so I take my shit and go eat it. Once I was done I made my way to the train I will be taking since I missed my last one because I thought helping a Meth Head would be a better idea. I got on the train with a bag full of beer and debated on drinking it with someone on the way. I sat next to this kid in a tye-dye shirt; pure stoner hippie kind. He seemed like he’d be down. But then again, saving it would be more beneficial. So instead I spread my legs out and just chilled with my legs on the seats in front of me.
Train Instructor: “You are not allowed to have your feet on the chair and you have to keep the seats together unless there are three people or more.”
Porch: “Ugh...um okay, I guess.”
The guy next to me in the tye-dye looks over with the “Fuck that guy” look. Then a father from the seats above said something to me.
Father: “Oh because there are so many people on here right?”
Porch: “Yeah right? It’s so packed out.”
Then a guy all the way down the cab looked over at me, shook his head, puts his hands in the air, and looked at me with the “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” Face. This guy was old and looked like a pedophile. Why is everyone looking and interacting with me? Haha that’s what my first thought was. Such a long day already and I got to sit through this long ass train ride. Another train instructor comes over asking for tickets.
Porch: “Mount Prospect.”
TI: “$7.”
Porch: “Wait, what?! I thought it was only $4!”
TI: “You know it’s an extra $3 when you buy it on the train?”
` Wow, learn something new every day! I only had $4 on me so he let it slide and gave me a ticket. The hippie kid looks over at me again with the same face then I told him about my day. At last I landed in Mount Prospect and as I arrived I seen Ho in his car and I flicked him off. As I was walking over to him I seen these little kids and one of them nearly fell off the train getting off. Next thing you know they start screaming: “PORCH! PORCH! PORCH!”
Porch: “I know you guys? I think I know you guys.”
Kid1: “YO WHAT’S UP MAN?! HOWS YOUR JAW?!”
Oh that’s where I met them! I dislocated my jaw on both side a few weekends ago at a party. (Another story: “Rum Meets Dislocated Jaw.”)
Porch: “It’s all good, hanging in there. I just dislocated it. Mikey right?”
Kid 1: “Nah he’s Mikey, I’m lane, and he is Kid 3.”
(I forgot the other Kid 3’s name)
Porch: “Shit if I knew you lads were on we could have drank all of these beers!”
Lane: “WE GOT A HANDLE!”
Then they ran across the street and I got in the car with Ho. We cruised to his house pounding the subs and we continued the pounding in his driveway.
Porch: “Yo Ho where are we drinking tonight?”
Ho: “Oh were drinking right here right after this song.”
Porch: “Chea, let’s do it.”
We were drinking in his garage and his girlfriend Jwow came over, then along with Hooskie. All in our little circle and suddenly everything just got so much more exciting!
Hooskie: “Oh well I have some Salvia!”
The what, who, when, where, and how questions were shooting out of the cannon and I was jacked! I never tried Salvia before so why not try it! She walked to her car to go get it and at this point I was about seven beers deep so I’m assuming this will mix well with it! The bowl was packed and in rotation; I hit the bowl and Ho tells me to keep going and going. I took my first hit and held it in until I couldn’t any more. After the first hit I pretty much blacked out for a while. But what I do remember that there was a red roof connected from Ho’s car leading to everyone’s head and all the way to the end of the car. WHAT THE FUCK?! I also remember standing up and down in different places around where we were sitting. I don’t know but once I came back into it, the Salvia started wearing off and I noticed I was being video recorded. Throughout the rest of the night, we smoked some more weed and listened to the subs pound. Jwow and Hooskie insisted on fucking with me throughout all of this as well, poking me with an umbrella to pinching me an un-necessary amount of times. Getting pinched fucking HURTS!
Hooskie poking me with the umbrella!
__To finish the
night off Hooskie was lovely enough to give me a ride home all the way to
Bumblefuck Elgin! It was probably the best drive home I’ve had in a long ass
time! I was fucked up and a fag in the mist of it all! Not to mention one of
the best music selections! One song will set any party or gathering off going
insane; House of Pain: Jump Around. And to top off how fucked up I was, when I
got home I made toast; I spread butter all over along with ranch in the middle! It
tasted so good but to try it right now I would rain-check on that!
I get myself into these situations that creates its own stories. After I’m done writing I notice how everything falls in place and makes me realize there is something to learn from every move you make; like not to give Meth Heads money when you can eat more food at Taco Bell. You got to remember that everything happens for a reason and it’s all a mystery until we figure it all out. Call you cards before you fold them because you never know what your jackpot just might be.
Stay Wasted, Porch.
I get myself into these situations that creates its own stories. After I’m done writing I notice how everything falls in place and makes me realize there is something to learn from every move you make; like not to give Meth Heads money when you can eat more food at Taco Bell. You got to remember that everything happens for a reason and it’s all a mystery until we figure it all out. Call you cards before you fold them because you never know what your jackpot just might be.
Stay Wasted, Porch.