Flip
Flip & Joakim Noah
Flip: It was summer of 2009 and I’m drinking away! This girl Shelby comes to this party I’m at to pick up her hookah and then she was going to leave. She came with two other lads; Flip and Lil CJ. I meet them and they seem really cool. Not even a couple steps towards the house Flip starts to convince Shelby to stay so we can get faded and then he whips this out on me: “Yo you want me to call some bitches? I’m going to call Eva.” Yes! He got points for seeming cool and wanting to stay and get drunk, now he just dropped a bomb and instantly suggesting bitches? And Eva is a hottie on top of that! Yep this kid is staying at this party. We walk in and I grab beers for all. Shelby tells me to chug a beer for Flip and Lil CJ. I chug a beer in about 4 seconds and Flip bets I can’t chug another one. You can tell he just met me. I fill it up and chug it again. He didn’t see that coming! Then he says: “If you chug another beer I’m walking out of here.” Chugged another beer and said “Start walking.” The socializing of this kid I love. A lot of people are scared to throw them out there and shit. Not Flip, he’s always great to have on your side for any drunken adventure. We continued to get fucked up that night and now every weekend. If I could describe Flip in one word it would be “ThaShit.”
Hurley
To be high or not to be high? Hurley says to be.
Hurley: Mr. Hurley. Where shall I begin? I’d say New Years 2010. I first met Hurley at one of his many parties on New Years. I rolled up with two cases and the drinking was good! I rolled up with Big Joe, Sampson, Brassil, and one other person which I cannot spot at this exact moment. The pre-gaming of the night consisted alcohol, blunts of FIRE, and COD4. Hell yes! This goes on for some time and next thing I know the Hurlster purls a beauty and knocks me on my ass. That’s some Grand Daddy Purp I will never forget! I don’t remember much of that night but I do remember I was with the two Hurley’s just chilling in his room drinking beers, I also remembering telling them that they are one of the straightest kids I met in a while. After that night I haven’t chilled with Hurley in a while until those random days in Elgin with Flip and Flip would mention him here and there. From there I would think to myself: “I gotta chill with Hurley again.” Then one weekend I call flip to go to ISU with me, he brings Hurley and it was like we chilled every day since New Years! If there is anything about Hurley, it’s that his personality clicks with just about anyone…unless you don’t wash your hands in the fourth grade haha. Now Hurley and I rape dicks all over Illinois! There are more stories on Hurley’s greatness, but some stories are better left untold. If I could describe Hurley in one word for all the ladies out there, it would be “Boss.”
CJ
POLISH POSE!!!!!!!!!
CJ: Mother Fucking CJ. Ever since I ass raped Prospect, ever since Ho Hallway got pimp slapped, ever since gym class 7th period. CJ and I go way back to Iraq in a Cadillac! From wangin’ to hangin’! Ladies and Gents, this tale may never end. I first met CJ September 2007 and everyday at school bitches were our target. Thus we have “Ho Hallway.” Ho hallway began after gym class everyday for CJ and I. We would walk all the way across the school from our gym lockers to our regular lockers mackin’ on all sorts of females. We would auction off ho’s, say what’s good to ho’s, and even spank a few booty ho’s. This was an everyday routine for us and an everyday entertainment show for the crowd around us! We did this so much we call each other ho’s. That’s our nickname to death and nobody else is allowed to use the term Ho unless told so. It’s strictly forbidden even to our closest friends and family. Does this say enough for all of you? Not even. Homecoming 2007 was a battlefield of ho’s. We were hawks and the bitches were mice. We wanted it, we’d fly in out of nowhere and our dicks=their ass. We continued this for the few hours we had and once were done with that scene; we hit up the good ole Steak ‘n’ Shake! CJ opened up a world that I have never entered before; he introduced me to the American ways and many more. The world of bass; CJ’s bass is always the best and is organic for all females that sit in his car. The world of Vodka; chugging vodka might seem dumb…if you can’t handle it. I’ve witness CJ down handles upon handles of vodka at only 5 foot 7 inches and 130 pounds. How? I don’t know but he fucking did it everyday for the whole summer of 2008. Don’t believe me? Let’s party. The world of polish women; well holy shit! These women have curves and hormones that I have never been seen. Back to summer of 2008 CJ would have a bonfire literally every single day, I shit you not. Numerous polish women would come over and CJ would have at least two of them all over his dick. Then that brings us to his swimming pool where we would get bitches basically naked if not fully and just do work ho style. The world of Mary Jane; back in the day I wouldn’t give Mary Jane the time of day, but now I have realized how sweet and wonderful she can make me feel. For everyday of our lives since summer of 2009 Mary Jane was our lover. Constant supply of love and comfort! The American ways I’ve learn vary; from the American game to the ghetto slang. My teacher has taught me well. Well I mean, look at me now! I could continue for days but that’s what my drunken events are for! If I could describe CJ in one word for everyone who needs some learning in their life, it would be “Sensei.”
Sampson
Sampson Chowin down!
Sampson: I first actually met Sampson at one of my many bonfires I would have during the fall of 2009. The beer bongs were flowing and never ending! We would have these continuous weekends of alcoholism in my backyard for about two months. Once the snow came I didn’t really see Sampson at all until about the beginning of 2011. We are a couple months into the year and we’ve been smoking blunts and on the search for parties! The thing I love about Sampson the most is that he is always there when I am in need. Sampson has been coming through on the clutch for numerous occasions that I have. I have been in my broke days recently but Sampson the live saver is keeping me going while I can. The biggest thing anyone that can gain respect or anything from me is that they got my back when I need it. Sampson has hooked it up with food, blunts, and even beer when needed. I even got treated to the Unofficial: U of I weekend. Without Sampson these last couple months I would be a dying African in the Sahara Desert. I give out a million thanks to the boyo and once I’m on my feet, we are going to have some happy days! If I had to describe Sampson in one word for you all, it would be “Lifesaver.”
Robert
Robert on the left doing it to it!
Robert: Robert and I have our numerous drinking days; too many excessive days of drinking for me to even write about it. I first met Robert at one of my freezing garage parties. He had the balls to bring his as over and of coarse beer was tagging along. My lovely twin Stefani came over with my soon to be favorite drinking buddies of all time: Robert, Mico, and Dan Gayles. After that night we continuously and physically killed ourselves with alcohol. Our livers were being cunts so it was time for an unlawful punishment. We all would drink every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I had an open house for a couple months and I was going to school at the time so I was responsible enough to not drink on school nights J Porch’s Circle on end with unlimited beer pong. At this point of my life I was drinking and smoking like a king! So by meaning that I would buy at least two cases to get the night started. Robert and I explored all of the parties threw out the 50 mile Radius; from my house to CJ’s, to Jim’s, Jesse’s, Becky’s, and all the way out to the Algonquin party. We were the party brigade and fucking shit up all the way around the town, up and down! Lately I haven’t been on the beer with Robert mainly me moving to Elgin and the lack of parties. But our time will come and the mass consumption of alcohol will be deathly. We will have to walk around with caution T-Shirt to warn everyone around us. For me to narrow down Robert in one word won’t be easy. But for all the beer drinking anyone would like to compete against us in, I’d say the word would have to be “Pro.”
Mico
Gettin' it in like a parking spot
Mico: My good friend Mico! We go as deep as the bums can sink to the bottom of the beer barrel! Mico and I have had our drinking days like no other. No matter what time or day, when or where, we were drinking. I met Mico the same night as I met Robert. He came over to the crib in my cold ass garage. As time went by we started drinking more and more! One night at Jordan’s it was Mico, Anne, and I. I remember talking to Mico and telling him that I love him and especially because he is a bum like me! He looks up at me and asks if that’s a good thing. Hell yeah that’s a good thing! That means that he can drink it up all day and any day! It was like a drinking buddy from the Gods! I finally found a drinking buddy that can go beer-for-beer with me ever since my boy Schuh.
Porch: “You can drink like a case in one sitting right?”
Mico: “Oh yeah man of course, I buy a case every day.”
Right then and there it was an every weekend; if not every day drinking binge. So many parties and so many cases on top of cases we would go through on a weekly basis. There’s a lot more to it than drinking. There’s also smoking haha. We do our share of that too but Mico has my back and he will stab you with scissors! There was a weekend when I called Mico to buy me a case of beer for this party and he ended up tagging along (Story waiting to be written). To narrow down the night we went to Johnsburg, IL and we both went there broke, drank and stole all of their booze basically right in front of them, Mico pulling a pair of scissors on a lad because he thought he was talking shit to me, a little riot break out, their bitches made us stay, cops come, I get locked out while Mico is inside, I make my way inside thanks to Mico, we sleep over, eat their food, talk shit to them, leave at 9am in the morning, and the taxi driver knew her mom so we talked very poorly of her. Our many adventures went on but slowly but surely our area turned into a ghost town. I ended up moving to Elgin, Mico ended up in Lake Island and with all of our friends in Arlington Heights; it wasn’t easy getting around. But in the end it doesn’t matter because we will figure it out as we go along, and everything will fall in place if you let it too. Narrowing down Mico into anything, it won’t be easy, but if I had to pick for any wanna be Robert haters; it would be “Drinking Buddy.”
Porch: “You can drink like a case in one sitting right?”
Mico: “Oh yeah man of course, I buy a case every day.”
Right then and there it was an every weekend; if not every day drinking binge. So many parties and so many cases on top of cases we would go through on a weekly basis. There’s a lot more to it than drinking. There’s also smoking haha. We do our share of that too but Mico has my back and he will stab you with scissors! There was a weekend when I called Mico to buy me a case of beer for this party and he ended up tagging along (Story waiting to be written). To narrow down the night we went to Johnsburg, IL and we both went there broke, drank and stole all of their booze basically right in front of them, Mico pulling a pair of scissors on a lad because he thought he was talking shit to me, a little riot break out, their bitches made us stay, cops come, I get locked out while Mico is inside, I make my way inside thanks to Mico, we sleep over, eat their food, talk shit to them, leave at 9am in the morning, and the taxi driver knew her mom so we talked very poorly of her. Our many adventures went on but slowly but surely our area turned into a ghost town. I ended up moving to Elgin, Mico ended up in Lake Island and with all of our friends in Arlington Heights; it wasn’t easy getting around. But in the end it doesn’t matter because we will figure it out as we go along, and everything will fall in place if you let it too. Narrowing down Mico into anything, it won’t be easy, but if I had to pick for any wanna be Robert haters; it would be “Drinking Buddy.”
Brassil
Brassil on the right with Jdog
Brassil: Brassil and I go back into the Prospect years. We aren’t everyday peeps but when we are together you’d question me on that. Brassil is an Irish lad himself, doesn’t go hard in the paint like me but he knows about father ted so that’s enough for me! Brassil has been studying at Southern Illinois University so chillin’ with him has been difficult on many reasons; me not having money and him rarely being home. I wouldn’t want to travel 6 hours to hate my life in Mount Prospect either but that’s what all of the peeps are for; keep him entertained until he leaves again. I remember one day pacific Brassil and I went to Mundelein. We went up and rape dicks in many ways. Beers n blunts, Beer Pong, Flippy Cup, cop scare, and many more. Brassil scooped me on my first day with my cast off for the adventure! Many days can be written down but then I might as well write in as Drunken Events. Bonfires in my backyard are another night that will never be forgotten! Beer Bongs, garage beer pong, basement drinking, and more! Until Brassil makes his way home next, I’m going to save my pennies and keep pumping my liver for the insane experience he will show me at SIU. To narrow down this cunt into a sentence for the readers, it would have to be “Someone you can always be with.”
Dan Gayles
Always doing it big.
Dan Gayles: Where to begin or how to even finish? I couldn’t even tell you what to put in the middle because Dan Gayles is a man of wonders and he might as well be a celebrity. So perfectly awesome he is black and Irish. Conquering the world and fucking all the bitches; I’m here to introduce to you Dan Mother Fuckering God Loving Sweetie Pie Gayles! I first met Dan in my garage for a drinking binge. He walks in the garage with pure swag and you always can tell a person by when you see them and you know you will have a good time when Dan Gayles walks in the room. Later on that night I knew I had to be a little whore and get his number for unlimited, excessive, insane, and continuous drinking sessions. We have been all over the 847 pounding beers, mackin’ on bitches, partying and simply spreading Porch’s Circle around the world. There hasn’t been a sober day that we’ve had; either rollin’ blunts or chuggin’ beers. And there is nothing more I could possible ask for in a person. If I could narrow down Dan Gayles into one word for all the little kids growing up wanted to be as great as Gayles and I, it would be “Pure Awesomeness.”
Ginger Ball Joes
The one and only Ginger Ball Joes
Ginger Ball Joes: The man of wonders and the man with a dick known as “THE PUSSY MAGNET!” Ginger Ball Joes and I go way back. Way back to when he was 15 and I was 17, same night as I met Stefani & Presto but it was the beginning of my senior year. We went from saying hello; to him witnessing me take a piss in the middle of Rand and Thomas late at night, to stealing beer from an outdoor fridge, to running from the house owner, to a high-speed chase from the cops, (Which his car lost!) and back to Mac Park to Schuh and I chugging beers! For two people to go through that little experience is like taking Ecstasy. But he was 15 years old? So I must have done all of the cool stuff right? Because I’m older? I’m Porch McDonagh right? So how is he any cooler than any other 15 year old? Well I will tell you all this! Ginger Ball Joes is one of the chilliest kids you will ever meet. So chill you will forget he is 15, younger or not, the cunt is still cooler than me. He doesn’t need his own website to be awesome I will tell you that; or to be an attention whore. But whore he is! First time having sex was a threesome, before he hit age 17 he has sex with 10+ females, and I’m sure he never jacked off before. What? Jacking off is my best friend and I am 20 years old and had sex with 5 girls. I remember back in the day when Ginger Ball Joes was still 15 years old but I was 18 years old by that point. I would go party at my buddy Nev’s house. Probably one of the best party houses I have ever been too; the sickest times and drunkest moments. The people who would go there would be 20+ and some people a year below. Me, being as awesome as I am, I would invite people over and we’d all get drunk and pass out there. But typically I wouldn’t bring 15 year olds to any parties but Ginger Ball Joes was a HUGE exception. How you ask? Well these quotes after a night long of drinking should be enough.
Porch: “Ginger Ball Joes, tell them how old you are.”
Ginger Ball Joes: “15.”
Shirmer: “WHAT?! I wish I was that cool at 15!”
Tommy: “I WISH I WAS THAT COOL RIGHT NOW!”
See what I mean? Tommy was 20 years old at the time and Shirmer was 22 years old. Not cool enough for all you lil LL Cool J’s?! Well, this hot ass girl Becca would always go over and she was never up for grabs but Ginger Ball Joes always finds a way to hook up with the hotties even if they are my age. But what are you going to do? Ask someone 3 years younger than you for tips on getting laid? Tips on being awesome? How about a tip to FUCK OFF! I am awesome, just in my own ways. But for Ginger Ball Joes, the only way to narrow him down into one word would simply be: “Extraordinary.”
Porch: “Ginger Ball Joes, tell them how old you are.”
Ginger Ball Joes: “15.”
Shirmer: “WHAT?! I wish I was that cool at 15!”
Tommy: “I WISH I WAS THAT COOL RIGHT NOW!”
See what I mean? Tommy was 20 years old at the time and Shirmer was 22 years old. Not cool enough for all you lil LL Cool J’s?! Well, this hot ass girl Becca would always go over and she was never up for grabs but Ginger Ball Joes always finds a way to hook up with the hotties even if they are my age. But what are you going to do? Ask someone 3 years younger than you for tips on getting laid? Tips on being awesome? How about a tip to FUCK OFF! I am awesome, just in my own ways. But for Ginger Ball Joes, the only way to narrow him down into one word would simply be: “Extraordinary.”
Kookie
The man of the hour: Kookie.
Kookie: Well let me start like this; Kookie and I have been back in the day for so long! Kookie is the fucking man because whenever you are stuck in the mix and need someone to drink with; no matter when.. Literally because there have been time when everyone is busy or sober dumb shit and I will hit up Kookie and say “Yo you wanna drink?!” and instantly I will get reply saying “Yeah I'm down!” Its like when you are fucked in a situation and you have a bitches vagina in your face but you don’t have a condom!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Shittiest situation but what are you gonna do?! The man of the hour is the fucking shit and people live up to their selves to a certain point but who has potential?! Take a guess....KOOKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all day fucking going insane! All day fucking then shit but hey I'm drunk right now so fucking everyone I will ma e ti better next time :) If i could describe Kookie in one work it would be "Respectful."
Rip Kid
Keep lookin' up because he is unbeatable
RipKid: Well where do I begin?! This friendship grew upon beers, parties, and becoming Eskimo brothers! Back to square one; RipKid and I use to party at the same place but never actually talked or anything but we both knew we were. My first views of RipKid was a chill ass funny kid by not only his appearance but the way he presented himself; chillin’ in pajama bottoms, drinkin’ on a forty ounce of Bud Light, and swaggin’ to the core! Such a G I couldn’t imagine what would happen if our awesomeness would enjoin forces! Obviously take over the world but when I seen him attached to a rope with two other lads I knew that he was the man with the plan because instantly I wanted to get in on being rope friends! I thought it was the most funny and clever move that only I would think of! But there is never only one; there is always a clone. Shortly after that Big Kenny told me that my girlfriend at the time was flirting with RipKid pretty hard and sending him some dirty text messages but RipKid kept his distance because she was my girlfriend; I don’t know if we even talked to each other at this point but RipKid showed his respect to a fellow beer drinker and I couldn’t have been more pleased with the brothership. I confronted RipKid about the situation and he told me that they would kick it and drink but nothing further went on; just gossip getting out of hand. At that moment in time she broke up with me and I noticed how they both started talking more than usual and RipKid started talking to me a little more than usual also. All was good with no worries considering I told him it was all fair game in the battlefield! A few weeks go by and we talk more and drink a lot more every weekend! The laughs were loud and continuous along with the stories we shared with each other!
Porch: “If it wasn’t for her we would never be best friends!”
It all clicks like that and there you have it; ESKIMO BROTHERS! From there on we kept making jokes and going hard in the paint! Literally mother fucking hard! RipKid and I recently started making Stay Wasted episodes and the damage we are doing couldn’t be fixed by Bob the Builder! It’s hard to find a few friends that match your life style with every way, beer, and women but when you do you know you two are G’s in the pub when you both burst out laughing in the middle of pure silence at the same thing! It’s like we have been great friends since we were little passing secrets notes around back and forth about some project we were working on; such as Op Z plan B back up option H! So many more days to come and not enough beers to drink but every day is nuts and I can’t wait until the next! If I could describe RipKid in one word for all you kids who want to be a straight up G nothing else could fit RipKid better than “Unpredictable.”
Porch: “If it wasn’t for her we would never be best friends!”
It all clicks like that and there you have it; ESKIMO BROTHERS! From there on we kept making jokes and going hard in the paint! Literally mother fucking hard! RipKid and I recently started making Stay Wasted episodes and the damage we are doing couldn’t be fixed by Bob the Builder! It’s hard to find a few friends that match your life style with every way, beer, and women but when you do you know you two are G’s in the pub when you both burst out laughing in the middle of pure silence at the same thing! It’s like we have been great friends since we were little passing secrets notes around back and forth about some project we were working on; such as Op Z plan B back up option H! So many more days to come and not enough beers to drink but every day is nuts and I can’t wait until the next! If I could describe RipKid in one word for all you kids who want to be a straight up G nothing else could fit RipKid better than “Unpredictable.”
Clay
Mother Fucking Clay! Your not lucky until you meet him!
Clay: This lad right here is one of the chillest kids around; he is from Wisconsin on top of it! He has that swag where not many can pull off with the beanie and back pack! I first met Clay down and the good ole Dirty Dale; Southern Illinois University-Carbondale at Polar Bear. This lovely lady Marilou brought a few friends and I to this lads house so we could all relocate to another party. At the other party that’s where Porch went haywire on a bottle of Canadian Club and blacked the fuck out. I mean, I ended up naked in the kitchen then curled up into a fatal position…yeah I was Porched-out to the face. But I stopped Clay in the middle of the party and mentioned that he looked like one of my buddies from Elgin. Not much went on from there (From what I remembered anyway) but the next day was the day upon all days where Porch McFuckingDonagh stamped his name into a college town! Considering I woke up drunk around 10 or 11 am; the people I came down with wasn’t there because I wanted to stay and get drunk but I needed someone to chill and drink with when I’m out of ideas on providing entertainment for others. As id look around, for some reason, Clay was the lad id walk over too because of his chill style and friendliness. Clay is the kid that will give you his beer since you don’t have any, the lad to listen to your story to see what kind of a person you really are, and a kid so chill you freak out when you find out he is only 17 years old! More towards the end of night Clay and his buddy Tyler, who is always another lad who is chill as fuck, were very interested in my Stay Wasted stories. They’d rather listen to my drunken life than go on and continue their drunken night. But over some time more and more people joined in and listen for many hours of the night. I felt like I had my first celebrity moment along with having that great feeling inside of me! Ahh fuck now I sound like a fucking 16 year old love bug! But the night ended with a few pictures and we said our goodbyes after I showed them what Porch was made of: drank about 45+ beers from 10am to 5am, shared my Stay Wasted stories and website, and exploded with wildness. If I could narrow down this lad into one word it would be a Twitter hash tag because it would be never ending but since I’m a man with words Clay is a man I met over one weekend and I can say with confidence we will have another crazy night yet to come. Clay can mostly be described as “Straight up G.”