Written April 2012
The nice word would be clumsy and short minded but the cruel truthful words would be you retarded piece of shit who the fucked raised you to think as you do?! We all do the things we do for some reason but sometimes when you don’t think you end up in these little situations but luckily bad decisions leads to good stories.
Darrel: “Once upon a time…”
Porch: “SHIT GOT FUCKED UP BY MONKIES AND AIDS FROM THE JERSEY SHORE COMBINING ALL OF THE SLUTS THEY CAN FIND INVENTING NEW DIESES CALLED “GWEEDO-TRANSEXUAL-MULTIVITAMIN-LIMP-DICK-SAMMY-SWEET-HEART-SEMEN-POSIN” AFTER THAT THEY WERE ON A BUS WITH MIDGETS ON TOP BUT TWO OF THEM FELL OFF!”
Billy: “After all of that shit went down three Mexicans started a chicken fight…”
Big Nate: “THOSE CHICKENS STARTED HAVING SEX AND REPRODUCED ANOTHER BIRD FORM THAT CAN ONLY LIVE IN ALASKA SO SARAH PALIN DECIDED TO TAKE THOSE BIRDS AND GET AN ABORTION BECAUSE SHE IS A DUMB “HOCKEY MOM” SLUT WHO FUCKED FOUR OF HER SONS FRIENDS”
Understand a little bit? Hard to explain I suppose but play and learn! If you are aware of what happens when we play Porch’s Circle then you may have a slight idea what happens next. What? If you are thinking if we stopped playing you are correct, a fag break was agreed upon but did we continue playing the game afterwards? I like to think we did BUT FUCK ME RIGHT?!?!?!??!?! WHY WOULD WE EVER FINISH A FUCKING GAME OF PORCH’S FUCKING CIRCLE WHEN WE CAN SIMPLY RUN AWAY FROM THIS GAME AND GO MASTURBATE TOGETHER UNDER THE STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All I wanted to do was finish one game of Porch’s Circle…just one. What happened next? Did we switch it to Beer Pong?! Did we call it a night and decided Porch is a fucking loser and let’s hate on his game because why wouldn’t we just have THE BEST FUCKING TIME MAKING FUN OF HIM OR SHITTING ALL OVER HIS GAME!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK ME RIGHT?! What could possible replace my game?
As Billy, Big Nate, and I were in the garage smoking a fag we stepped into the backyard where we found something pleasing, relaxing, and just may be worth postponing Porch’s Circle…A HOT TUB!!!!!!!
Billy: “Fuck yes let’s do it!”
Porch: “WHAT?! What about Porch’s Circle?”
Billy: “We’ll get back to it don’t worry.”
The three of us went down into our boxers…no homo…and jumped in with our beers along with back up beers! As I laid down into the Hot Tub the comfort and boiling bubbles made me feel like cloud nine wasn’t that special, as if I was lying in a sea of love, just if nothing else in this terror of a world could go wrong. Did anything go south as my luck just would? Nope, the two lovely ladies got down in their bra’s (I believe so) and jumped right in with us along with Darrel and Kenny! Yeah I know the ratio wasn’t as planned but were drunk and not giving a fuck! Again with the soothing blessing of this Hot Tub I wanted more, I wanted that extra bit of success but what else could God please me with? I’m in a Hot Tub with my friends and beers in our hands! If that isn’t a Super Bowl win then I don’t know would be! WAIT A MINUTE?! STOP THE BALL! EASY STEPHEN I GOT AN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Porch: “Billy can I have a fag?!”
Billy: “Yeah Porch go for it they are in the garage!”
As I leaped out with a smile of a little boy I quickly made my way to the fags and on my way back the excitement grew upon myself as if I had the nervous shakes not believing what life just gave to me! Finally a moment where I can lay back with my Rugby brothers, drink beers, and a fag to blow away any stress I may have had!
With the fags in my right hand I hopped into the Hot Tub but just as Satan found his gap I slipped and fell into the Hot Tub with the fags in my hand!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK BITCH CUNT FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! As quick as I possibly could I fisted my right hand as high as I could hoping the fags were still going to be okay and for some odd reason God was still on my side. Instantly I got up to peak my eye into the box of fags as I was shaking in disappointment! That moment of reality I could hear the laughter of others along with Billy screaming “GOD DAMMIT PORCH!!!!!!!!!” I couldn’t even soak in the fact that this just happened even though the fags quickly soaked in what happened. What can I do to fix this?! How can I make this up to Billy?! WAIT JUST ONE GOD DARN SECOND!
Porch: “I HAVE AN IDEA! BILLY FOLLOW ME!”
Billy and I rushed out of the Hot Tub and dried ourselves down before we rushed into the basement! We walked into the laundry room; I grabbed a towel, wrapped the fags in the middle then opened the door to the dryer, then tossed it in.
Drunk person’s thoughts:
· Okay if the fags are wet and the dryer dries clothes and such why wouldn’t this work?
· The towel being wrapped around the fags will be like an instillation and will protect the fags.
· What’s the worst that can happen?
Sober person’s thoughts:
· Every bit of the fags are soaked and they are now officially not repairable.
· If you want to actually try repairing the fags either have them dry over night or have them sit in the oven if you are in a rush.
· Why would you let Porch try to climb into a Hot Tub drunk as fuck with a pack of fags in his hands? Didn’t you assume something bad was obviously going to happen?
Okay I’m sober writing this and just imagine how stupid I feel! So I continue on with my drunken idea which seemed like the next Nobel Prize at the time but this is what happened; as I opened the dryer to see if they were dried yet a disappointing outcome was found. The fags were in bits and all over the dryer! Billy and I started the “Oh Fuck” laughter and I decided to think of a Plan B.
I took out the towel and the remaining of the fags but there was tobacco everywhere! FUCK WHAT DO I DO NOW?!?!?!?! As I was thinking I seen a red solo cup next to a sink…
Porch: “OH I GOT IT! If we put a few cups of water into the dryer and turn it on the water will spin around and catch all of the tobacco then we can clean it out when it’s all on the bottom!”
Billy shook his head with a smile that said fuck it and we felt like that was the only option we had. I tossed in two cups of water and started the dryer! Over a minute or so we stopped the dryer and Plan B wasn’t as successful as planned considering the water didn’t collect majority of the tobacco! FUCK! Billy and I started scooping out the water with the red solo cup as if we were in a sinking boat! Once we got most of the water out we grabbed the towel from Plan A then cleaned out the water and tobacco as much as we could! HELLO BRAIN CELLS YOU’RE REALLY KILLING ME HERE! Now that Billy and I are the only ones here who smoke fags what are we going to do to cure our fix? I’m going to start it off by apologizing to Kenny for the dryer incident and for my next actions considering we never told him and he may be just finding out as reading this story! Throughout this day I noticed that in the basement Kenny’s mom had two packs of fags hidden at the bar. I informed Billy on this and our drunken minds couldn’t resist the fact that we are able to smoke a dry fag which is sitting a close 20 feet away from us.
After the fag Billy and I made our way back upstairs realizing we have been gone for about twenty minutes. As we made our way back to the Hot Tub we told everyone that we were taking a shit together and not throwing a pack of drenched fags in a dryer then taking one of Kenny’s moms fags to cure our fix.
Does it end there? Not exactly…
Porch: (whispering) “Hey Billy if I take off my boxers I wonder how long will it take for everyone to notice?”
Billy: “Porch God Damn it!”
Side note: The boxers I was wearing were my emergency boxers which are a pair of tiny white tight boxers; I’ve had those for about seven years!
As I sat on top of the Hot Tub Billy’s laughter with his head down was sign #1 that I was up to something and if you know me personally you can always tell when something is up! Kenny and Big Nate was the first to notice with the “PORCH!!!” scream that lead to people looking my direction then noticing what else is new in town! After Maddy’s tiny penis comment and a team vote I put my boxers back on to keep everyone happy. But for the record there was a breeze and a turtle can keep his big head out of his shell all of the time! I’m not some cocky show off that will brag about the big things in life…that’s for the lucky ones to see!
Maybe I’m not all that bad and maybe some decisions are better than others but what we can put together here is that maybe I did make a few idiotic decisions that didn’t turn out as planned and maybe using a dryer to dry a pack of fags wasn’t the most clever attempt for me to proceed with but at least I tried! If we don’t learn from our mistakes then we are stuck at rock bottom unless you are one of the perfect people like the Brady Bunch then I’m sure nobody cares. One of these days I will learn from all of the mistakes I’ve made and I will be the man with the plan with a successful smile; or I will continue fucking shit up for others to laugh at. Either or there is only one thing left to sum up and that is…
Stay Wasted, Porch.