Train instructor: “Do you have a ticket?”
Porch: “Um yeah, how much is a weekend pass?”
TI: “WAIT! Hold on I have to go do something…”
I sit there in WTF mode but thinking…”What if he doesn’t come back!”
But then again; I will be gone by that time! Haha so while I am sitting in my seat the instructor never comes back. After some time I stand where the pedestrians would get on the train. Therefore making the TI distracted. The moral of that is that I never had to pay for that ride! So I land in Chicago and look for my way to the Mount Prospect train. But where is it? I have no idea…
Searching and hunting for the Mount Prospect train and its unsuccessful. I go to a place where they sell tickets and I figured they can tell me where to go for that train. I look and look and I have no clue where the fuck I am! Seriously, like I’m fucking LOST! As I looked I figured I was in the wrong station because nothing looked familiar. I go to the ticket booth and ask for a schedule and how to get where I am going. The lady tells me directions but I had no clue on what she was trying to make out. Go this way then that way! She might as well be talking to the wall. So I walk around the train station and once I am about to hit Jackson I roll into a few meth heads…I ignore all eye contact. (BTW: This kid eyes are FUCKED and all read around it and a bunch of white shit around his lips.)
Meth Head: “YO can I use your phone? I WILL LET YOU DIAL MY DADS NUMBER IF YOU WANT!!!!!”
I turn around at this kid is a white, 120 pound, and about 5ft 9in. This kid’s life is over with and needs a fixing!
Porch: “Uhh….sure… what’s the number?”
This kid has no future in front of him but he is standing next to me. I can’t just be a dick and shut him off from everything. So he calls his dad and there is no answer. He calls again…no answer. He is so pissed and aggravated because he can’t do anything. He tries one more time and as usual; it was unsuccessful. All went down the piss pot so I walked away.
Meth Head: “DO YOU HAVE SOME SPAIR CHANGE?!”
Porch: “Ugh...I’m short myself but I can give you like $2.”
MH: “ALRIGHT THAT WILLL WORK.”
(I feel like being a good citizen)I walk away and the next thing I know the cops pop up and put MH up in hand cuffs! I walk over there with a bag full of beer I might add.
Porch: “Ummmmmmm is everything okay here?!”
Cop 1: “Yeah, we know this guy”
MH: “”NO PLEASE! I WILL GO HOME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! I JUST USED HIS PHONE TO CALL MY DAD!!!!!”
Porch: “Um I just let him use my phone. Is everything okay?”
Cop 2: “Yes, everything is fine. We’ve dealt with this guy before.”
Porch: “Okay, I just gave him a few bucks…”
Cop 2: “It’s okay, we have if from here.”
Uh okay? Haha I will leave at that note! After that fucked up incident I looked around for a way for me to get to Mount Prospect! So in the end- NEVER HELP FUCKED UP PEOPLE! Dude I was pissed. Pure wasted of $2; especially how I got Taco Bell afterwards. Taco Bell was flame but they fucked up my order! I search around this whole fucking place and I know that I am in the wrong train station. I go outside and walk to the train station across the street. I walk in and the place looks exactly the same as the other place. Now my train to Mount Prospect is at 3:30pm; its 3:35pm. FUCK! I’m walking through Union Hall train station rushing and as I turn to go run up the stairs there are people there taking wedding pictures. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I make a complete stop and this is a huge cock block for catching my train. I’m sure the expression on my face said it all. The bride looks over at me then up again at her husband. Wanna make some second thought baby? (Haha no she didn’t FYI)
Bride: “You know what? You can just go, just go.”
Porch: “Umm okay…CONGRATULATIONS!”
I’m running up the stairs running in-between bridesmaids and groomsmen like I’m Devin Hester. Everything around me is the same thing just like the last fucking train station. Maybe running into the same lady at the ticket booth wasn’t a big enough hint.
Ticket Booth Lady: “You again!”
Porch: “Yeah, I have no idea where I am and I lost my schedule in the wind. Can I have a new one?”
TBL: “Yeah defiantly, did you lose your ticket too?”
TBL: “Well here’s a new schedule and you have 45 minutes until your next train. I’m sure you can find it by then!”
FUCK! Just as I said no I realized I could have gotten a free ticket home. Typical cat like reflex’s right? So she tells me again how to get to where I want to go. Walking in the general direction she told me to go and still lost. I talk to this guy in an elevator and he tells me to go outside to Clinton and take that two blocks to Madison. Ooohh I have to go two blocks? I thought it was across the street. Whoops. So finally I am where I want to be and I go to the food court to get some food; only if they have Taco Bell. Otherwise I would wait. JACKPOT! I see my Taco Bell and eat up! I ordered two Frito-burritos and a beefy cheesy burrito. (I only have $4 to spend; otherwise I’d order the whole menu.)I take my order and go sit down to eat it and I have two crunchy tacos and a beefy cheesy burrito? Ugh.
Porch: “Umm hey, I wanted the two crunchy Frito-burritos.”
Cashier: “Ooohh…well you wouldn’t have enough for it anyway”
Porch: “Oh, cool.”
Sick as fuck right? I never bother to argue so I take my shit and go eat it. Once I was done I made my way to the train I will be taking since I missed my last one because I thought helping a meth head would be a better idea. I get on the train with a bag full of beer and debate and drinking with someone on the way. I sit next to this kid in a tye-dye shirt; pure stoner hippie kind. He seems like he’d be down. But then again, saving it would be more beneficial. So instead I spread my legs out and just chill with my legs on the seats in front of me.
Train Instructor: “You are not allowed to have your feet on the chair and you have to keep the seats together unless there are three people or more.”
Porch: “Ugh...um okay, I guess.”
The guy next to me in the tye-dye looks over like with the “Fuck that guy” look. Then a father from the seats above said something to me.
Father: “Oh because there are so many people on here right?”
Porch: “Yeah right? It’s so packed out.”
Then a guy all the way down the cab looks over at me, shakes his head, puts his hands in the air, and looks at me with the “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” Face. This guy was old and looked like a pedophile. Why is everyone looking or interacting with me? Haha that’s what my first thought was. Such a long day already and I got to sit through this long ass train ride. Another train instructor comes over asking for tickets.
Porch: “Mount Prospect.”
Porch: “Wait, what?! I thought it was only $4!”
TI: “You know it’s an extra $3 when you buy it on the train?”
` Wow, learn something new every day! I only had $4 on me so he let it slide and gave me a ticket. The hippie kid looks over at me again with the same face then I tell him about my day. At last I land in Mount Prospect and as I arrive I see Ho in his car and I flicked him off. As I’m walking over to him I see these little kids and one of them nearly falls off the train. Next thing you know they start screaming: “PORCH! PORCH! PORCH!”
Porch: “I know you guys? I think I know you guys.”
Kid1: “YO WHAT’S UP MAN?! HOWS YOUR JAW?!”
Oh that’s where I met them! I dislocated my jaw on both side a few weekends ago at a party. (Another story: “Rum Meets Dislocated Jaw.”)
Porch: “It’s all good, hanging in there. I just dislocated it. Mikey right?”
Kid 1: “Nah he’s Mikey, I’m lane, and he is Kid 3.”
(I forgot the other Kid 3’s name)
Porch: “Shit if I knew you lads were on we could have drank all of these beers!”
Lane: “WE GOT A HANDLE!”
Then they run across the street and I get in the car with Ho. We cruise to his house pounding the subs and we continue the pounding in his driveway.
Porch: “Yo Ho where are we drinking tonight?”
CJ: “Oh were drinking right here right after this song.”
Porch: “Chea let’s do it.”
Were drinking in his garage and his girlfriend JWow came over, then along with Hooskie. All in our little circle and suddenly everything just got so much more exciting!
Hooskie: “Oh well I have some Salvia!”
To finish the night off Hooskie was lovely enough to give me a ride home all the way to Bumblefuck Elgin! It was probably the best drive home I’ve had in a long ass time! I was fucked up and a cigarette in the mist of it all! Not to mention one of the best music selections! One song will set any party or gathering off going insane; House of Pain: Jump Around. And to top off how fucked up I was, when I got home I made toast; speeded butter all over and ranch in the middle! It tasted so good but to try it right now I would rain-check on that!
Stay Wasted, Porch.