Written Mar. 2011
Having sex is always a great day. But when you get to have sex with one of the sexiest girls you know, it becomes unbelievable! Sex is on everybody’s mind and it is a way of life. For me sex was just something to dream about because before all of this I only had sex with one girl which was an ex-girlfriend of mine. I never give up on women or don’t bother giving the most gorgeous, sexiest, and most perfect women a try because they are never out of you league until you try. Sometimes seems pointless because 9 time out of 10 you will fail but there is always that 1 time out of 10 that will make everything worth it and unforgettable.
Mom: “WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!”
Porch: “This is my Halloween outfit!”
Mom: “NO TAKE THAT OFF BEFORE YOU GET ARRESTED!”
Porch: “I’m not going to get arrested. Quit freaking out.”
Mom: “Aren’t you afraid of getting beat up?”
Porch: “No mom shut up.”
I hop in my car and head to work. I roll up to work and I see a few of the lads outside in their costumes! I see a hockey player, a bunny, and a banana. I park my car in the back and walk over. I’m wearing construction boots, little yellow shorts about 4-6inches long, a pink shirt with overalls, and a white shirt under it. I walk up to the group of lads and they break out laughing! They are making comments and they are surely shocked on what I’m wearing. After all I was 6 foot 2 inches 240 pounds. Maybe it didn’t look right but as Dan C would say: “It’s only funny because you are wearing it!” We are all debating on what the managers will say. Seconds after that, she walks out and seen me.
Manager: “CHANGE OUT OF THAT NOW!”
Porch: “What, why?”
Manager: “BECAUSE THAT’S DISGUSTING!”
Porch: “I think it’s funny.”
Manager: “Well I don’t. Put shorts on or something on or just go home.”
Fuck man that ruins my whole outfit! I go to my car and put shorts on and go back to work. But the shorts I’m wearing are kind of loose on me; you can only guess how that turns out. I go on my first delivery with about 5 large pizzas. On my way out I’m holding all the pizzas in the pizza bag and when I walk outside all the drivers are playing hacky-sack. The sack ends up on top of my pizza bag and I lift up the pizza bag high so the hacky-sack would hop off n I can kick it. Everyone freaks for a second because I guess I could have ruined the pizzas. I get into my car and get ready to leave and Mike comes out to check up on the pizzas. I argue and say they are fine even though I never checked. Guess what? They were all good as gold. Even if they weren’t; “Oh I’m sorry I got cut off pretty bad on my way here and I had to avoid the accident.” Golden, works every time. I get to the house and there are kids everywhere and a little party going in the garage. I grab the pizzas and I have drinks in my other hand. As I walk over to the house my shorts slowly but surely wiggle its way down my hips. I’m spreading my legs as I walk like if I got a mad rash from getting anally raped. But luckily one of the mothers came to the rescue!
Mother: “Oh your shorts are falling! Let me help you!”
(Walks over, grabs my shorts and yanked them up.)
Porch: “Thanks! We don’t want the kids seeing that!”
I get back to the restaurant and as I walk in I see this tiny little sexy girl dressed as a pirate. The hawk has seized his prey. I talk to her little by little as the day goes by and this girl is gorgeous. Here’s a description: 5 foot flat, 95 pounds of pure sexy Italian-ness, perfect ass, and awesome personality. My Irish accent was fairly strong but I cranked it up hardcore for this lovely lady. My accent does wonders in millions of way you won’t understand unless you see it in action or if you have an Irish accent. At the end of the night as her job, she would have to cash out the drivers. As in the drivers will have to count all of the cash they received and put part of it in the cash register. When it was my turn to get cashed out I would count my money in Irish just to keep the pot stirring. This goes on for a while and it is going very well, but then again I get along with pretty much everyone and a lot of girls just love me and my accent and friendliness but never really pull through with it. Not to mention how far Sexy Pirate was out of my league, I mean she is a smoke show.
When I worked at the restaurant I would get a lot of hours. One day I overheard a driver talking to Sexy Pirate.
Driver: “Hey how are things going?”
Sexy Pirate: “Oh they are okay. My boyfriend broke up with me.”
Boom boom pow! There’s my cue and to attempt to hook up with this girl. My views on hitting on girls are to do my thing and if they say no, I say next. So even though there is no way possible I could even hold her hand, I can’t say I never tried. Finally I get her number and I do work via text messaging. Blah, blah, blah this goes on for a little while and one day I get this text from her.
Sexy Pirate: “Hey porch. I kind of have to tell you something…”
Porch: “Hey! Yeah that’s fine shoot!”
As I wait for the text back I call Mike and tell him what she said. We’re talking and I’m thinking she’s back with her boyfriend or something. Until I received her text:
Sexy Pirate: “Well umm I kind of really really really like youJand I think you are really cute!”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?! Mike and I talk about this and I can’t believe this. I read it a million times to make sure I didn’t miss read it. As we talk about it I completely forget to reply to her text! I replied about 10-15 minutes later saying how I think she’s insanely beautiful and I cannot believe this. The texting and flirting increase with flying colors, I couldn’t stop smiling. One day before work I go over to her house to hangout for a little bit. I get to her house and tell her that I’m there. I guess she didn’t expect me so early. I walked over to the door and she answers’ with her head popped out of the door. She tells me to hold on so she can run to her room and change. I sneaked my eyes and she was wearing a white wife beater and little sexy booty shorts. She comes back dressed and we chill in her room watching sports. We chilled for a little and we debate on what we are going to do. I fuck with her a little bit and we start wrestling. Once again, she’s a tiny little girl so I can throw her around and spin her on my finger. When we were done wrestling I looked at her and sneaked in a few smooches’. But I noticed that it tasted like coffee and I do not like coffee so I would fuck with her and avoid kisses. I don’t know how my game was so on target with her but thank god! She would offer to brush her teeth or something to get the taste out of the way but I told her it doesn’t matter. We ended up going down stairs to play some Guitar Hero. This goes well until the parents come home. We decided to leave and get food because well I don’t know but it’s always awkward when the parents are around. She walks up the stairs first and I follow behind her. Her step-dad is there with his friends so he chooses to show off by being a dick I guess.
Porch: “Hey how you doing? My name is Porch.”
Step-Dad: “Hey. Did my daughter tell you what my job is?”
Porch: “Yeah, you’re a cop.”
Step-Dad: “That’s right. Do you know how old she is?”
Porch: “Yeah, 17.”
Step-Dad: “How old are you?”
Porch: “Just turned 19.”
Friend 1&2: “Ooohh.”
Step-Dad: “Where do you work?”
Porch: “I’m a driver at a restaurant.”
Step-Dad: “Where you taking my daughter?”
Porch: “Were going to sonic then I’m taking her to work with me.”
Step-Dad: “Are you a good driver?”
Friend 2: “Must be good if he is a driver at a restaurant.”
Step-Dad: “No it doesn’t.”
Porch: “Alright, well I’m going to head off.”
We leave her house and she offers to buy me sonic because I had a lot of bills piling up. We get to sonic and I remembered I had community service with a guy who worked at this sonic that I am at. He comes out and takes our order. We chat and joke around but he heads back to put our order in. As we are waiting in my Ford Expedition Sexy Pirate makes a comment:
Sexy Pirate: “So you got some big back seats there.”
Porch: “Oh yeah, sometimes I like to put the seats down and…. (Then I winked at her)”
Sexy Pirate: “Oh really?”
Porch: “Oh yes! Ah no I’m only kidding I’m waiting until marriage until I have sex.”
Sexy Pirate: “Oh yeah me too!”
Porch: “No, I’m serious.”
Sexy Pirate: “Wait, what?”
Porch: “Yeah I’m waiting until I get married to have sex. Is that a problem?”
Sexy Pirate: “No. No that’s fine.”
We eat our food and then leave for work. As we are driving she suddenly became awful quite.
Porch: “Is everything okay?”
Sexy Pirate: “Yeah, everything is fine.”
She is still being quite.
Porch: “Why are you so quite all of the sudden? If you have a problem with me waiting for sex we don’t have to do anything.”
Sexy Pirate: “No its fine, trust me!”
We get to work and it’s a normal day as any other and I get a text from Mike.
Mike: “Yo did you tell Sexy Pirate that you are waiting until marriage for sex? Hahahahahaha.”
Porch: “Haha yeah I did. How did you find out?”
Mike: “She texted me.”
I continue working and it’s just me and her in Carry out & Delivery. I turn around pick her up by the legs and throw her in to the chair.
Sexy Pirate: “Ugh I wish.”
Porch: “We will see how the cookie crumbles.”
Sexy Pirate: “No I don’t want to ruin anything you have going.”
Porch: “Alright if you say so.”
It’s almost the end of the night and I asked Sexy Pirate if she needs a ride home and she does. Midnight rolls around and we walk to my car. We get into my car and I asked her if she wants to go home or hangout, she’s down to chill. We cruise around and there is nothing to do. She owed me a massage so I asked if she wanted to give me one. And one I got! We post up somewhere around the town and she starts to give me a massage. About 30 seconds into the massage I turn around and we start making out. After a minute of that she gets off of me.
Sexy Pirate: “Porch I can’t do this! If we go any further I’m going to rape you!”
Porch: “No, no I was just kidding. I’m not waiting until marriage to have sex.”
Sexy Pirate: “No you’re lying!”
Porch: “No I am not. Trust me.”
As we were talking I took off her pants and thong.
Sexy Pirate: “OMG how’d you take off my pants?”
I started to finger her like mad and she loves it. I take her bra off with one hand as well with her T-Shirt. Her body was amazing and perfectly perfect in every perfect way. I continue this for a couple minutes.
Sexy Pirate: “FUCK ME! FUCK ME!”
Porch: “Haha NOPE!”
She moans and would I laugh. She hated it. She turns me over and starts to take off my pants. Starts jacking me off but girls suck at it so I tell her to stop.
Sexy Pirate: “Um porch do you have a condom?”
Porch: “Uh yeah let me get it.”
I searched through my pockets and car knowingly that I don’t have any sort of condom.
Porch: “No I don’t have any right now.”
Sexy Pirate: “Umm Porch, do you care about fucking without a condom?”
Looking at the sexiest girl I’ve seen in a while and I think to myself on this opportunity.
Porch: “No not really.”
We fool around and the fucking begins! We fuck for about 10 minutes and I pull out and cum in an appropriate area. I started to finger her again and after that we fuck again. Same routine flows and next thing I be getting’ some head! After being out of juice the blow job wasn’t as great as it should have been. But when I look over I see her going to town. This girl is a pro and I’m in love. I tap her on her head and ask if she want to fuck again. We fucked again for about 25 minutes and I’m just working it. Pushing her back and forth hitting the right spots! There was no chance of me spitting out another load so we stop and cuddled up for a little bit.
Porch: “I cannot believe this just happened. This is insane!”
Sexy Pirate: “Why?”
Porch: “Look at you! You are the most beautiful girl around and you choose me out of everyone to be with on your Saturday night?! Like I want to take you everywhere and show you off and tell everyone that you are my girl…but you’re not.”
Sexy Pirate: “Not yet.”
From there I was speechless and I just laid back down and enjoyed life! Time was ticking and it was time to take her home!
Sexy Pirate: “Hey Porch, can we not tell anybody about this because I don’t want to seem like slut.”
Porch: “You’re not a slut but yeah that’s fine, but I’m telling mike; I tell mike everything.”
Sexy Pirate: “Ugh okay that’s fine.”
I take her home and then cruise back to the 847. I texted Mike on the way home and he couldn’t believe it. Neither could I, nor do I still.
The next day at work rolls around and people are making comments to me about last night. Oh fuck this can’t be good. More and more people make comments and the word spreads little by little. Sexy Pirate comes to work later on that day and she is pissed. Fuck dude is this ruining everything? Yes it was. Sexy Pirate confronts me about it and I tell her I didn’t tell anyone; which I really didn’t tell anybody. Except Mike but she knew that. She gets over it and I asked to take her out on a date to make up for the gossip.
Things were going well until she told me she missed her period and has been getting cramps. Holy shit dude, FUCK! This is the last thing I need in my life! No money to support a baby or barely myself. A couple days go by and she still didn’t get her period. I over hear her talking to one of the drivers and it doesn’t sound good. I look over at her with the holy shit what the fuck face. We sit by the phones and chat.
Porch: “Sooo what was that about?”
Sexy Pirate: “Um yeah, I’m pregnant…”
Porch: “No you’re not. You’re lying.”
Sexy Pirate: “I’m sorry porch. I’m 100% serious.”
The look on her face couldn’t tell me anymore that she’s not kidding. What am I going to do? I’m fucked for life. This can’t be happening.
Porch: “No stop it. Shut the fuck up you are lying.”
Sexy Pirate: “Haha just kidding! I got my period today!”
Porch: “WTF ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
Sexy Pirate: “Why are you so mad? Chill out.”
Porch: “I fucking wonder! I’m going on a delivery.”
Driver: “What Happened?”
I look over at Sexy Pirate with a little smile on my face but still kind of pissed.
The day of our hot date rolls around and I call her. She answers’ crying.
Porch: “Oh no what’s wrong?”
Sexy Pirate: “My ex-boyfriend won’t stop calling me and he is yelling at me!”
Porch: “Well never mind him; you’re too good to deserve anything like that.”
Sexy Pirate: “Thanks. Ugh he’s calling again.”
Porch: “Just Ignore it.”
Sexy Pirate: “Okay….He’s calling again. Let me get this over with and I will call you back.”
Porch: “Okay babe, bye.”
The whole day goes by and I’ve heard nothing from her. Fuck dude there goes my dream girl. I texted her a couple times but no reply but finally later on in the night I get a text from her.
Sexy Pirate: “Hey Porch I just got done talking with Ex-Boyfriend and we worked a lot of things out and I think we are getting back together. I’m really sorry.”
Porch: “I guess it was too good to be true and it was fun while it lasted.”
It was a shitty ass feeling but I seen it coming I guess. I stilled work at the restaurant with her and things were a little awkward but it was more whatever. One day I was talking to her and she asked if I wanted to hang out again sometime and surely I accepted it. Later that night she was being pretty unusual and seemed pissed at me. She asked again if I told anyone about us having sex and I told her that I told one of the drivers. We argued and she got pissed and so did I. I left and cruised around for a little bit until I was done working. From then on there we would fuck with each other a lot by talking shit and what not.
Slowly but surely we stopped hating each other and started talking little by little. Recently I chilled with her with a few friends at a party but I was insanely hammered and ended up blacking out (Another story: 25 Kegs to 15 Gallons of Jungle Juice) but it was really nice to see her again and to finally party with her! If Sexy Pirate ever reads this story of mine, I hope she likes it and doesn’t yell at me for posting it! Fingers crossed!
Stay Wasted, Porch.