Written March 2012
There are some things in life that you can and cannot do; even if you are Porch McDonagh. But it’s not what you do it’s how you do it that makes it sometimes acceptable from the other persons point of view. Might wanna run away from the embarrassment or just tell the embarrassment buzzing bee to fuck off and laugh it off. Either or if there’s anything I learned in life is what’s done is done so why not laugh about it.
Growing up in the pub I’ve always loved helping out in every way possible; if it was stacking bottles in the shelves, attempting to pour pints, or anything that could possibly be done! With that being said, I didn’t have a problem being the beer boy and helping everyone fill up their drinks if there was 25% or less in their cup! People loved me and even Big Nate said I should run my own bar! Oh boy would that be the shit or the death of me?! My own bar means if I buy a beer then that money just goes into my pocket! I smell trouble…trouble. If you are thinking I’m the bitch of the group and it’s my job to do this then you should not say that or go suck Magic Johnsons dick. It’s because I’m cleaver, simply I’m a genius, a fucking Beer-ologist! Now why you claim to ask your amateur brain this? WELL BECAUSE I GOT THE FUCKING PITCHER OF BEER IN MY HAND AT ALL TIMES! You have to think logic, and jumping around the circle waiting for your turn cancels you out on a few beers which would be unlawful and an unfortunate situation towards Stay Wasted. As the beer flows I felt slightly looser than a goose but what makes this situation even better was that the lovely Gina called me for some good Irish drinking! Even though I was meant to call before getting to the pub she was too sweet to remind me on our day that needs to be consisted of day drinking then night drinking then black out then “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!” chats! Gina is a one of a kind pure Porch alike Stay Wasted reining female’s champion of the world! This woman has jokes, gets drunk Stay Wasted style, chill as hell, and always down to chill as every woman should be. But as awesome as she is I can’t be the cool one when she is around because when I’m busting out jokes harder than Charlie Sheen on coke she comes back harder and puts me speechless with a red face. I hate it when she does that; fucking hate it. Nobody ever out jokes me! But this blonde of a cutie has no problem showing me how it’s done.
While I was on the phone with Gina the beer was close to running out so I did the smart move and saved two pitchers of beer for us to drink before we relocate to CJ’s garage. Once she arrived to the pub I introduced her to the lads and for our last few beers I got that trigger in my brain where everything seems like a good idea; let’s take sneaky nuts for an example. What are sneaky nuts?! If you ever seen the Australian show Angry Boys then you may know otherwise let me explain. Sneaky Nuts is where you take your testicals and leave them on top of your waist band of your jeans, shorts, pants, etc. in plain view. Therefore you wait until people in the crowd realize that your ball sack is out in the open for everyone to see! I suggest you try it, funny as fuck! Anyway, I attempted the Sneaky Nuts but Big Nate must have had a trigger in his brain because he wanted to flick my Sneaky Nuts! But luckily my Asian cat like reflex’s came in place and I kept my boys in safe hands and back where they belong! Well until he gave me the Ike Turner back hand which makes you want to retire your Sneaky Nuts.
Trigger me once brain, shame on you, trigger me twice brain, shame on me. Have you ever heard of the rugby saying “Shoot the Boot”? Well, if you are singing a rugby song or apart of some rugby activity and if you fuck it up you must shoot the boot. Shoot the boot means you have to take off one of your shoes and dump the rest of your beer in it along with whoever else decides to be the dick. Once you have all that done you chug until finished. Disgusting? I think yes, what do I have to say for myself? Welcome to Rugby.
Voice from the crowd: “SHOOT THE BOOT!!!!!!!”
Big Nate: “Porch! Shoot the boot!”
Porch: “Okay now, let’s see what the captain has to say and we can go from there. Shoes! Should I shoot the boot?”
Shoes: “Yes, you should defiantly shoot the boot.”
My drunk and un-functional non-active brain cells took place in this activity and I poured my beer into my right shoe, seconds after that Shoes takes a pitcher of beer and pours about another beer amounts worth in my shoe. The chugging began and my taste buds started calling their black taste bud friends to fuck me in the ass for being the idiot chugging smelly shoe beer. Listening to the roar and disgust in the crowd was a slight reality check since I couldn’t drink anymore after about half. I stopped chugging and started puking as I was trying to make my way to puke over the railing! I splat a little bit on the concrete and continued puking until there is nothing left in me. What did I do with the rest of the left of shoe beer? Started chugging that bitch again and finished the job I started! Once the beer was out of my shoe I simply put that baby back on and continued with my drinking. Was there regret? After Big Nate’s comment can’t say there was much.
Big Nate: “As disgusting as that was; I have to give you props that you finished shooting the boot!”
I’m so cool! Literally the coolest, actually ranked #1 in the world. After a few more beers to get that normal beer taste back I changed into clothes for the ladies and it was time to relocate shortly after to CJ’s.
If you are in the North West Suburbs the only place to be in this ghost town is CJ’s garage because without that garage I would be just the biggest stoner and wouldn’t have these stories that make me so cool and famous! CJ is the shit, straight up G; I’ve been best friends with him ever since I moved here. Five years strong and were still going strong! CJ is the person who speaks his mind openly, which can be good and bad but better said and out in the open so things are clear, he is always down to chill and hit up bitches for seven ridiculous nights in one week; as people should! When we arrived to CJ’s the lovely Heather, Tray, and Lupo were there already on the beer getting a hards day of beer in for the greatest holiday ever! These groups of people are people to keep around because were all the same with different back rounds. Heather is my cutie with a personality that says keeper, Tray is the chill ass girl that you can’t go wrong with, and my baby Lupo is the tall good looking man with a plan that makes big black people say “DAT’S A PIMP RIGHT DERE!” (Literally a big ass black bouncer from Chicago said that to him when we left Boss Bar) For the next few hours we did work on beer, having fun, texting Heather’s boy problems away because some cunt is needy and is trying too hard to dive in her pants, and looking for the next spot to relocate to!
Once the time came Heather, Gina, CJ, and I went to our friend Chris’s house which is another great spot to be at because it’s filled with people that just love to party and have a great time! From there on we all played pool and had fun until the excitement arrived. One of the other lovely ladies, Muffin, Jordan Ninj’s girlfriend, were hanging out downstairs until this tiny 4foot 10 inch tanned girl came running down the stairs hysterically crying! Instantly I was like what the fuck? Secondly I was like oh time to cheer her up just like the nice lad I am! I walked over to her with comforting arms and trying to make her feel better. Apparently some guy that they referred to as “Creeper” was doing his share of creeping and touching girls in their sleep like a rapist in action. Instantly CJ and I wanted to do something about it but Creeper left and there wasn’t much to do from there.
After that point there was a little bit of black out flickering in and out but the word was that we went hard in the basement like our first 8th grade mixer dancing like a champions but if only 8th grade mixers had mass amounts of alcohol! Before the night became to an end I swooped my way around to Tanned Girl to see how lucky I can be with this lovely lady.
Porch: “Hey do you wanna snuggle tonight?”
Tanned Girl: “Yeah defiantly! I’ll be up in a second!”
After that I went up to the spare bedroom and go figure Jordan Ninj & Muffin were already in there; God fucking tits and shit! I guess the couch will have to do; as she came upstairs we laid down on the couch next to the pool table.
The snuggling started off with Tanned Girl playing Hanging with Friends on her Android which lead for about 5-10 minutes. In-between that point of time I thought to myself “I should probably go pee” but then again I got this real cutie in my arms so I didn’t really want to move either so I thought to myself once again “Ah fuck it I will wait a little bit” I mean, come on, not like I’m drinking anymore so what’s the worst that can happen? Once the gorgeous little lady was done playing on her phone we started making out and things started to jump to the next level. I worked my magic on taking off her bra with one hand along with her shirt. Yeah I’m a fucking straight up cool cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As she was on top I gazed at her beauty and couldn’t help but take a nice grab of those lovely breasts! I must have been totally blinded by her good looks because I felt like Helen Keller moments after that.
I woke up the next morning with three things on my mind:
1. Fuck me am I hungover.
2. Wait, where did Tanned Girl go?
3. Fuck my life there is piss all over myself!
Well there you fucking have it; it felt like I was a part of CSI trying to put two and two together figuring out where she went. Instantly I got up and walked in shame thinking why do I go through these things even when I thought to myself “I should probably go pee” but why would I listen to myself?! Am I that much of a fucking bad ass that I won’t even take orders from myself? Let’s just put it like that before something makes me look bad. As I walked away I went through my bag and took out a pair of shorts to change the piss off of me and then went to go lay down on another couch. Before I laid down on the dry couch I seen Tanned Girl standing next to the pool table and I knew right there I had to curl up in hiding not wanting to go through the most terrible, awkward, yeah-I-was-that-guy-who-tried-hooking-up-with-you-but-instead-just-pissed-all-over-you conversation of my life. Just imagine how terrible that feels and don’t even think about the reputation I could bring upon myself! Terrible…just god damn terrible I tell you.
After my short nap Jordan Ninj and Muffin woke up unaware of what I just went through; obviously I wasn’t going to tell them both so instead I grabbed a beer and acted like nothing ever happened. The day goes on and we played pool, smoked some fags, and some of us kept some secrets. In the mist of all of this Jordan Ninj and Muffin were sitting on the couch that took the beating of the Golden Shower. As much as I don’t want people sitting in my own piss, even though I put the blanket over it covering the evidence, it’s just not worth the risk people finding out when just maybe they won’t. But hey, who am I fucking kidding?! I’m Porch McFuckingDonagh why wouldn’t I get fucked and pin pointed on a wall slowly falling into the fiery pit of lava; if I’m lucky I can piss my way out…
Muffin: “WHY IS THE COUCH WET?! DID SOMEONE PEE ON HERE?! CJ!!!!! CJ!!!!!”
During this I’d awkwardly drink my beer with numerous swigs rapidly but as sly as I am, Jordan Ninj started laughing at me.
Muffin: “PORCH!!! PORCH!!! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”
Porch: “Sorry but I’m not trying to tell people that I pissed all over a couch; that’s embarrassing.”
Jordan Ninj: “Hahahahahaha!”
Porch: “You know what the worst part about it all was?”
Jordan Ninj: “What?”
Porch: “There was a girl next to me…”
Muffin: “HAHAHAHAHA POORRRCCHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
They both continued pissing theirselves laughing at my wonderful pee-party moment but as you would guess they weren’t the ones literally pissing theirselves. Muffin started texting Tanned Girl and apparently I broke the key board on her phone from the piss giving her phone slight water damage (or pee damage) and if her key board does work it tweaks out and continuously presses numbers and letters but it slightly works for her. After hearing this all I had to say was “Whoops” and then I offered to buy her a new phone but luckily she said I didn’t have too.
About a week later we locked eyes again at CJ’s where I wasn’t too sure what to expect so I tried being smooth like two normal people who don’t pee or get pissed on. But a little bit into our pow-wow in CJ’s garage one of the girls decided to break the ice with steaming piss.
Karin: “Hey Porch I heard you pissed on Tanned Girl!”
Porch: “Yeah were defiantly not in front of a lot of people talking about embarrassing moments. Not at all; totally cool…”
Muffin: “Hahahahahaha Porch it’s only funny because it was you!”
Tanned Girl: “You know what the most embarrassing part of it all is?”
Porch: “Yup, still sitting right here…”
Tanned Girl: “Well when I woke up and realized I got pissed on I moved to the floor to sleep and when I woke up my hair was soaked!”
CJ: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU PISSED TWICE?!?!?!?!?!”
Porch: “Ummmm have you ever seen the movie Titanic?”
Okay so now everything makes sense; so I can do whatever I want in this world because it’s me? Can this be true or should I backtrack to another quote I said? “It’s not what you do but it’s how you do it.”
At the end of the day it’s hard to laugh but when you think about it it’s pretty funny. Yeah it was probably the worst thing that could have happened and I most likely won’t ever hook up with her again but what’s done is done and might as well share my story with my friends for a good laugh! We all learn something from any experiences we go through and all I got to say is go out, have some fun, drink some beers, snuggle with some cuties, go pee-pee before you go wee-wee on cutie-cutie, and wake up with smiles. With all of the down falls to this story I’m glad to say the best part about it was what she said to me the second time around: “Are you going to write about this?!”
Stay Wasted, Porch.