Written March 2011
It was Friday and I was at Flips figuring out our game plan for the weekend, otherwise than the Rugby social. We were playing Black Ops and nothing was on the agenda. After merkin’ a bunch of little kids and talking shit we decided to cruise around and find something to do. We get bored from doing nothing so we head to Elgin. On our way we stopped at Moretti’s to see if anything’s going down for the night and to drop off my sister’s car keys. As we drove in I seen my buddy Bryce in his car and I pulled up next to him.
Bryce: “Shit, shit! You down to smoke a blunt?”
Porch: “Hell yeah! Let me park the car.”
I parked the car and then walked in to give my sister the keys. I talked to all the drivers to say what’s up real quick then I asked Bryce if he wants to go out for a fag. We went outside and just chilled in his car until he had to be cashed out. While were waiting one of the drivers, T.C., walked out.
Porch: “T.C. what it do!”
T.C.: “Oh hey Porch, what’s up?!”
Porch: “Not much bro, you hear I’m an actor now? It’s not a big deal or anything.”
T.C.: “Yeah I was wondering why you were dressed up. So I want to be a monk!”
Porch: “Oh wow, so you can’t have sex then?”
T.C.: “Haha no...I have a chastity belt.”
Porch: “Hahaha wait, what?”
T.C.: “Yeah my Mom has a key to open it when I have to go to the bathroom.”
Porch: “Hmm interesting.”
I also ran into my buddy Eddie and it turns out that it was his birthday weekend and he’s having a big party. He said there will be 15 gallons of Jungle Juice there for $5 a head. Our Saturday will be fucking epic! Bryce finally comes out and it was time to smoke. We cruised around all night and smoked two fat-ass blunts. I was fucking blown! My teeth felt like marshmallows and my eyes were done having fun in the sun. Once we got home we searched for food and then I realize I have to do my laundry for the morning. FUCK! Life sucks when Mother Goose moves out. Being high and trying to work a washing machine is impossible. Three hours later it’s clean and in the dryer! We go to catch the 4 hours of sleep that were going to need.
Rugby season was back in business and if you haven’t known, rugby is a very social-able sport. After every Rugby game there is beer and food provided for both rugby teams for free. But what happens when there is a big Rugby tourney? 25 kegs of beer! It was the beginning of March and I had a rugby tourney at the South Side of Chicago. Flip and I got to the tourney at 9am and it was pretty fucking cold. Flip watched my 3 games and we tried to figure out how we were getting to the bar. As time went by our options got shorter and we could not miss this social. Once the games were done Kylie walks over with a case of Bud Light. We grabbed a beer and started drinking and sure enough we found a ride! We drove to the pub in a Hummer and got there around 3pm. When we got there we chilled for a minute before all of the kegs were tapped. While were waiting we decide to go outside in the fucking cold for a fag. We get out there and we see the owner tapping the kegs in the keg trailer.
Porch: “Hey, doya’ have a lighter?”
Owner: “No, I don’t. You can smoke upstairs and get matches at the bar.”
Porch: “Oh perfect!”
Bye bye cold! We get matches and went upstairs. We get upstairs and it’s a big open space with a bar up there but not stocked with any alcohol. We chilled up there for a little and went back down to the lads. We get back and there are numerous buckets of beer on the table to drink while we wait for the kegs to be tapped. We started drinking and getting prepared for the night. As were waiting I checked up on the keg trailer and it wasn’t ready yet. Fuck how long will this take? I wait a little longer and I went to check again and lovely enough the beer was flowing! I grab two pitchers, fill them up, and bring them out to the team. Then Flip and I went back for four more pitchers. We started pounding beers for a while and then as always we get games of Flippy Cup going! We get five people on each team and fill the cups up half way. After playing two games up to five our bellies were over filling with alcohol! We go piss and then upstairs for a fag. We go into the bathroom and there are a bunch of guys and one girl in there. Why is there a girl just chilling drinking a beer in the guys bathroom? I don’t exactly know but what I do know is that 95% of the rugby girls are lesbian so that might has a strong reason on why. We go upstairs and we posted up at the bar again. While were smoking a few girls come up and smokes with us. One girl was a small skinny girl with green hair, and two sleeves of tattoos. The other on was fat, ugly, and was wearing a golfers hat; gotta love Rugby girls. We started talking about how they did in the tourney, what team you play for, and random rugby shit. It turns out that you can’t say “Faggot” in front of lesbians either. Once I said it I thought to myself and then said:
Porch: “Wait; am I aloud to say that in front of you girls?”
Skinny lesbian: “No, you defiantly cannot.”
Porch: “Oh, whoops.”
` Hmm, learn something new every day! We kept drinking and smoking with these lesbians and more and more keep coming upstairs! It was like the movie 300 but with lesbians. We asked if they had any straight girls on their team and they said they had one named “Bugger.” Yes, like a nose bugger. I think they said her sister’s name was “Snots.” What the fuck is going on with the world? Next thing you know about 50 people come upstairs screaming BOAT RACE! More lesbians and a few guys came storming through the door and just packed out the whole upstairs. Once they are all up there, they keep screaming BOAT RACE! BOAT RACE! BOAT RACE! Flip is so confused on what is going on and he just looks over to me.
Flip: “What the fuck is going on?”
Porch: “Welcome to Rugby.”
About 15 lesbians sit on the floor, sitting the same way in front of each other with the persons back to their front. The first lesbians chugs her beer and then once she is done the second once chugs her and so forth. Everyone else is still cheering BOAT RACE! Flip starts screaming FUCK YEAH! CHUG THAT SHIT! Once they are all done chugging they all left the upstairs and went back down. It was like a prank show where a bunch of people crowd an area and do some shit and then dip like nothing ever happened. We go back down stairs and we find a pub extension with a shit tone more people! This place is fucking bumpin’!
Nothing could be better than drinking for free! All of this beer for everyone drinking there is for free! I fall in love every time! We ended up back with my rugby team but before that we pass all of the rugby girls in the mix. I noticed that they are playing this game call Quarters. (Not the game where you bounce the quarter off the table and into the shot glass. This game is a free-for-all and if you drop a quarter in somebody’s cup that they are drinking they have to chug whatever is left in their cup. If the opponent is hold a pitcher and they get quartered, then they have to chug the pitcher. But if the person isn’t holding their beer and somebody quarters it. Then that person has to chug the rest of the beer they just quartered.) I instantly covered up my cup and Flip has no idea this is even going on. One of the girls quarters Flip right before I tried explaining to him how the game is played. He chugged his beer and then for revenge he tries quartering one of the lesbians’ beers. But she wasn’t holding it so Flip ended up chugging another beer!
Flip: “So which one of you is Bugger?”
Bugger: “I’m Bugger!”
Flip: “Why do they call you Bugger?”
Bugger: “Let me show you.”
She walks behind him and puts her two fingers up his nose and pulls his head back.
Bugger: “That’s why!”
Flip: “What the fuck did you just do?!”
What a fucking freak show? Rugby girls are downright dirty, ugly, fierce, and big girls. But they can also be really cool. I drank with the Western Illinois women’s rugby team once and they were nasty; there even was a lesbian couple called “Boots & Cleats.” They kept yelling and screaming like a bunch of hungry gorillas in the Amazon. No more lesbians for me! We dipped from that lesbofest pronto. We walked over to the rugby team and turns out our ride is getting ready to leave. We debate on what we should do. Here were our options:
1. Leave the pub right at that moment to Bartlett.
2. Drink for another hour and a half but only make it as far as the city.
3. Be stranded in the South Side of Chicago with 25 kegs.
Drop option one and deal with option two and three later? Sounds good to me! The hour and a half goes by and Lou asks us if we still need a ride. We accepted it and tried thinking how to make it out to Bartlett somehow. We start driving to the city:
Lou: “So Martin, where do you want to get dropped off?”
Porch: “As close to Bartlett as possible.”
Lou: “I could drop you off at the train station.”
Porch: “Yeah but I’m kind of broke.”
Lou: “That’s fine; I can give you some cash.”
The party gods are coming through on the clutch! We get dropped off in Franklin Park and Lou gives us $20 and three beers. We get there, read the time schedule, and we were 50 minutes early. If the cold ass weather would ever leave it wouldn’t be so bad. But we were sitting in the waiting room cold as fuck trying to figure out how to put on the heaters. As anyone would have guessed no luck! We wait for this train, which feels like it will never get here. While were waiting these little high school girls walk in taking pictures and shit. I can’t really remember what I said but I do remember fucking with them a little bit and Flip continuously saying “Sorry, never mind him. He is a pedophile.” Well that’s one way to get arrested. Next thing he is sleeping on the little bench with his Wisconsin Beer just chilling next to him. (Wisconsin Beer is a beer that isn’t fully finished.) Yup, mine now! As time passed we get another visitor. This Mexican comes in with no English at all. I tried communicating with him but I have no Spanish. I tried putting “El” before every word and “O” after the words. My drunken Spanish is coming along just lovely! He is speaking Spanish but trying to speak English and this isn’t working. I worked out that he is trying to make his way to Wheeling. I showed him the way to get there on the little train map. He looked at me like he is lost. And lost he was! Next thing I hear the train coming and I walked over to Flip to wake him up. He doesn’t get up. The train gets closer and most defiantly louder. He wakes up to the sound of the train’s horn and tells me that we have to go. I stop everything I am doing with a blank stare as he walks over towards the train. No shit dumbass; I walked over behind him and I gave the Mexican the rest of my beer.
We got on the train shit faced and once I get on I noticed that it’s packed out in there. This works out to my advantage to avoid me paying for the train ride. I looked around and there were people everyone drunk and wearing green. It was the St. Paddy’s day parade! Thank you so much Saint Patrick! Flip sits on the steps and we talked to a few people that were around us. I called Bryce to make sure he can scoop us at the train station so were not waiting in the cold doing nothing. I was talking to this old guy about my day and how my night will be:
Porch: “Ah yeah man we were just a 25 kegger in the south side and now we’re going to get shitted in and out of the alcohol bag!”
Old Man: “Oh really? Will there be minors there?”
Porch: “Of course there will be!”
This goes on for a few minutes and if you haven’t seen me drunk in public then let me give you a description of the typical outcomes that happen: I am the biggest attention whore, talking to every random person, showing off my drunkenness in every way possible. Yup, I’m that annoying drunken fuck. In the mist of all of this I hear some black guy yell and start running towards me laughing.
Porch: “AHH SHIT!!! WADDUP MANE! FUCK WHITE PEOPLE!!! FUCK WHITE PEOPLE!!!!!”
Black Man: “HAHAHAHA WADDUP PIMPIN’”
Everybody is looking and laughing. This explosion of random yelling and drunk talking erupted. I walked over to where he was sitting and he was with another black man. Black Man1 said something to me that I cannot re-call but I remember him asking me a question about Black Man2. We talked for a minute and I said that Black Man2 looks like the bad ass version of Chris Rock. They both start laughing at my joke or just plain and simple at me. Either or I don’t know but Flip called me over right after I said it. I go back to Flip and he is telling me to be quite and sit still or we’re going to get arrested. If I could get a dime for every yank that told me that, and then me never getting arrested. I’d be as rich as I can be! My phone started to ring and before I answer it I hand it over to Old Man to answer it. He answers it and starts questioning Clair. “Where’s the party?” “Are you of age to drink?” yadda, yadda, yadda! We started getting close to our stop and Bryce told me to call him when we are two stops away from Bartlett. I started to think and wonder how many stops there really is. I go on the search for a schedule for the train, going up and down the carts but I couldn’t find any. I seen the Train Instructor and asked him for a schedule going towards Bartlett. Luckily enough he didn’t ask for my ticket! I went back to Flip and we called Bryce saying that we’re two stops away. If that all wasn’t dumb enough, you would slap me for this one: Black Man1 comes up to the exit we were standing next to and when doors opened to let people in and hestarted puffin’ a cigarette. I seen this and ask for a cigarette; he gives me the rest of his while the doors close. I still smoke it while the train takes off and I am 99.9% sure that it’s illegal to smoke on a train. Flip immediately comes over and puts out the cigarette. Whoops.
“Next stop will be Bartlett!” Finally we made it! We got off and walked down to see if Bryce is anywhere. We seen him and hopped in the car. We told him about our eventful day and Bryce the god offers us a blunt before we get to the party! Bryce, we love you! Before we spark up the blunt we scooped up Pink and I changed into Bryce’s work jeans because I left my bag in the hummer. I quickly changed and hopped into her car. Dubstep was bumpin’ and Flip was rollin’ the beezy! Life is good! The blunt makes my intoxication increase more than an Irish woman’s anger on her period. I went from faded to completely faded into the paint. Flip was telling everyone that he is a dubstep DJ and were talking a bunch of drunken bullshit. We get back to Bryce’s car and started heading towards the party. On our way Bryce got a phone call and I recognizes the voice and I wasn’t wrong when I found out who it was; Sexy Pirate from the “Sexiest Girl I Ever Fucked” story! Hahaha this is going to be an interesting night! Bryce turns around and instantly tells me:
Bryce: “No Porch! Hands off tonight!”
Porch: “Hahaha alright, alright I will be a good lad.”
We picked her up at her house and she is unaware of me being there. She gets in and looks to see who is in the back.
Sexy Pirate: “Is that Porch?!”
Porch: “Yeah it’s me!”
Sexy Pirate: “OMG hey Porch long time no see!”
Already this deep drowning in alcohol the interesting night might turn into an awkward night. I looked over to Flip and just laughed. We get to the party and Bryce and Sexy Pirate walked ahead of Flip and I.
Porch: “Yo don’t say anything but I fucked her.”
Flip: “Bullshit. There’s no way that happened.”
We walked in and there were a bunch of people everywhere! Upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen, front porch, back porch, etc. We made our way downstairs to see the birthday boy! We get our cups and started drinking. I say a few hellos to the people I knew and then go back to Flip and Sexy Pirate. It was just us three drinking in our own little circle.
Flip: “Ok so I have a question.”
Sexy Pirate: “What is it?”
I looked over at Flip wondering what he is going to say and he points at her and me.
Flip: “Were you two ever together or anything?”
HOLY FUCKING AWKWARD!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID HE ASK THAT FOR?! Not like I strictly said DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!
Sexy Pirate: “No.”
The awkwardness increased by a rocketing NASA space lab fucking awkward cannon shooting it outer fucking awkward space all the way to Planet fucking Awkward. I looked down at Sexy Pirate and she is looking away. Then I look over at Dipshit McGee shaking my head. Quickly finish my drink and leave for a new one. When I’m at parties I tend to wonder around, at that moment I extra wondered. I was talking to random groups of people and this big mother fucker came up to me and introduces himself to me. Some big fucker named Jared I guess. I started pounding the jungle juice cup by cup and soon enough:
I woke up the next morning on my couch wet as fuck and with a viscous hangover. I was soaked on my whole right side of my body. I stood up and walked to the bathroom. I never knew what a zombie felt like but at that moment I think I got the idea of it. Flip came downstairs and told me about what I missed out on while I was blacked out. I lit the wrong end and smoked the filter of a cigarette, I was rapping at some point and some other dude comes up rapping (actually trying I might add) and we just shut him out of the circle. I was doing pushups in the basement while getting fed alcohol after every pushup as an award. The cops ended up coming to the party trying to get in. Two people got arrested, one of them was Jared. Apparently Jared was outside when the cops came and he through his drink at the cops and started fighting them. The cops started the lawful beat down and pepper sprayed him. The house was still filled with a bunch of people. People are at the window banging and screaming “FUCK THE POLICE!” They pepper sprayed Jared so hard that the spray went in through the windows. After about an hour the cops said fuck it and left. Bryce, Flip, and Sexy Pirate looked for me and I was passed out on some couch; Flip tried waking me up by hitting, slapping, and beating me. Didn’t work, he get a big cup of water and starts pouring it down my face. This explains how I was soaked waking up. I slightly woke up and most likely being stubborn and telling him to fuck off. He does everything again and it wakes me up. The chances of me walking were at a 0.1%. They carried me up the stairs and out to the front. They assumed that I was capable of walking so they let me go for one step but I ate shit falling down the stairs and flew into the fence and then hit the concrete. People were looking over not believing that they seen me just ate shit. They got me into the car and I stumbled out of the car while it was moving and falling again trying to go pee. We made it back to my house and I was passed out again while Bryce and Flip smoke a blunt. Once again they carried me to the door and it was locked. We woke up my oldest sister so I can get inside. She was pissed. She gave us the death stare and they left me on the couch to pass out.
What a fucking bash that will never be forgotten unless blacked out. Living life as large as I love it is what I always do best. It was a mass consumption of alcohol that lead from day drinking to night drinking! Bryce and Eddie ended and started the weekend with full excitement! If there is anything to be said after the beating I took with alcohol is I can’t wait until next time.
Stay Wasted, Porch.