As any person that ever hated their liver, an over sea’s trip is a perfect dreamland for complete destruction. But honestly, any hooker in Vegas can shove cum down her throat to hallucinate until she passes out. There are key points to great times along with little memories. Just as my Dad said: “If you’re going to do anything, you better do it right!” But I don’t think he meant it like this…
2. Your Flight: During this 6-12 hour flight, you best believe you’re not twiddling your thumbs or reading a book. At this point of your trip, the thrill is sky rocketing like your first boner and you don’t even need to say “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere!” From that point until you land back to your destination, IT’S MOTHER FUCKING GO TIME! I don’t care how shit faced you get, pass out and piss yourself all I care, who needs rules when you have booze?! LET’S GO FUCKING MENTAL!
3. Landing to Your Destination: Stumbling off the plane equals so far 100% successful and then your next step is to go to the town you are going to take over during your visit. The town you will be in should be stacked with bars-so many bars that you could do seven different pub crawls in the week. Hotel would be key, unless you are a ballzey bastard and want to save money for beer and condoms hoping you will go home with someone. Hotels are typically recommended; leave your condoms in there for your selected amount of regrets to come in and out as they please. This hotel should be in the core of the nightlife, not only which, you should have dog tags around your neck for when your drunk-dysfunctional-ass is making out with a door trying to make sweet love with the door knob.
4. Hotel keys in Hand: Once you are passed this point, you better run to the bathroom before you shit yourself of excitement. As you sway to your room, why not check out who else is staying in your hotel? Because honestly, they are ready for the same shit show as yourself: Alcohol, Sex, and Regrets. Once you throw your bags on the ground, (shower and organize your clothes if you please) take a solid walking trip around the town. Stop at bars for a pint and a bite, find out where the hot spots are, and the most obvious is to find the cuties and let them know who’s new in town with that accent!
5. Nightlife: I feel like the word “Nightlife” actually means “Hey! It doesn’t matter who I am because tomorrow I will be a figment of your imagination!” Why? Because all we are doing is having fun and living life with random people. But now, the word “Random” is shot to the extreme and your name changed from Becca Smith to Summer “JuSt OnE MoRe ShOt” Shields. The night will be like you’re the host of Flava Flav! Going from girl to girl, picking and choosing, taste testing and swallowing, then finally (my personal favorite) stumbling and banging.
6. Hangover Problems: Reaching for your inhaler and then puking in it will be the least of your problems. You’ll be going through that awkward stage when you’ll be thinking “I’m never drinking again...” There are three successful tips for this: Having a Gatorade and a banana next to your bed along with Advil, is step one, (Believe it or not, that helps a lot) a solid shower where you hover under the shower-head grunting and moaning which will feel like your hangover is melting away, (pooping your hangover out may slide in too) and then your continental breakfast will recharge your stomach for its daily needs. Once you and your crew have passed these three simple steps, go out to the fresh air for a stroll around the town.
7. Checking out the Scenery: Going around the town to see what’s not in your typical American town is always awesome! Could you imagine waking up and not seeing a Wal-Mart not next to a McDonalds?! Now, wherever you are, there is always something worth seeing. Now, you may sound and look like a tourist, but that doesn’t mean you can’t walk and talk while you drink and think! Have your Camelback filled with Vodka Red Bulls to make every little bit of your day seem even better. No Camelback? It’s okay, your luck may not be shitted out just yet! Remember how you located your hotel in the core of a million bars?! Uhhh PROBLEM SOLVED!
8. I Love Drinking & All…: Okay, this is understandable why you are about to finish this sentence. Living inside of a keg for a week is always great but it does tend to crumble your liver into bits. Now, as any stoner would know, spotting out another stoner is just as easy as getting high itself. Keeping a sharp eye is always easy, but why not make it more fun to go on a weed-dealer-scavenger-hunt! There is at least four of you total, and finding at least one gram rolled blunt should be a success. But hey why stop there? God built the World in seven days, why not go wild for a perfect seven gram rolled blunts! You can even smoke one or more of these blunts on your scenery trips! It’s a small world out there, just think of Cam’Ron’s lyrics from Hey Ma: “You smoke, I smoke, I drink, me too, well good cause we gonna get high tonight”
9. Ending Your Vacation: At this point, you have done many things but the question is: are you satisfied with everything? Sure, fly me out to Ireland any day with a pair of socks and I’ll be Happy as Larry. But before you left your hometown, there was a list full of things you wanted to do while you could! Go for a pint with your crew and make sure there isn’t anything left to do. Could you imagine going to China to only impregnate half the women and have waked out times but never seen the Great Wall or mediated with a Monk? You might as well have went to Chinatown in Chicago and called it a night.
10. Flight Home: Turning the plane into bits like an alcoholic psycho is optional for you at this point. But if you think about it, what’s done is done. That is your time to be a zombie in an alcohol body filled coma for the rest of your flight home. From there on, all you have are stories and a hangover for a week.
Stay Wasted, Porch