Occurred March 2011
Written March 2011
I started my Friday morning at 8am without any sleep but with some beers and shots of Jameson and Ketel One Vodka. I was never so pumped up for a weekend to come. Unofficial is one of the biggest drinking weekends in the nation for all colleges. It’s an all day drinking fiesta starting at 6am and its free-for-all from there on. I got picked up at 9am from the lads; Sampson, Hurley, and Flip. We were ready for our three hour trip down to Champaign! Blunts, beers, and bitches. This weekend will be fucking epic!
Written March 2011
I started my Friday morning at 8am without any sleep but with some beers and shots of Jameson and Ketel One Vodka. I was never so pumped up for a weekend to come. Unofficial is one of the biggest drinking weekends in the nation for all colleges. It’s an all day drinking fiesta starting at 6am and its free-for-all from there on. I got picked up at 9am from the lads; Sampson, Hurley, and Flip. We were ready for our three hour trip down to Champaign! Blunts, beers, and bitches. This weekend will be fucking epic!
On our way down we sparked up a blunt and then stop for gas shortly after that. We all go into the gas station blazed. Stoner’s food options are vary and the time it took to choose what we wanted was never ending. I was last in line and when it was my turn at the register I got Sampson some lottery tickets. I walked outside and nobody was in the car. My non-functional brain was trying to figure out why aren’t they in the car? I walked over and it turns out that Sampson left his head lights on and his car wouldn’t start. Sick start to the weekend! Sampson asked around the gas station for someone to jump his car. After a good five minutes we got someone to jump his car when they were done in the gas station. Finally he came out and jumped the car. Now were on the move! We get there around 3pm and decided to get alcohol. We stopped in the gas station and there were kids EVERYWHERE! It was going crazy down here! I looked over to this apartment complex and HOLY FUCKING SHIT! It sounded and looked like a World Cup Soccer final match! I picked up a handle up Captain Morgan and a case of Keystone Ice. We left the area and went to the hotel to park the car and pre-game. Shots and beers were working awesomely and now we were looking for a party so we can meet up with a few friends. Nobody is answering, but my buddy Brandon comes thru on the clutch with a party! We left the hotel pretty tipsy around 8pm. We got to this apartment complex and he met us down stairs and walked us up. He was shit-faced and I was fucking jacked! We walked into the apartment and it looked like my grandmas library. I guess this wasn't the party I was expecting. We were there for about 10minutes, drank a beer, and planned on heading to a ragger. We went outside and next thing were by ourselves again. We walked around Campustown trying to find a party. Well these dumb cunts wouldn't let any more people in any of their parties. We walked past this one house and there were a lot of people in it. This girl noticed us and walks over to us. I don’t remember much but what I do remember is that I turned my accent up and started yappin’ away. I was telling her that I’m from Ireland and Hurley is my brother. We tried getting into the party but that was a no-go and she kept thinking I was Australian. We kept talking and she just turned around and walked into the house. Cool, awesome thanks…cunt. We continued walking and I asked random parties if we could join. We got shut down faster than that you can say FUCK UNOFFICIAL! We ended up near the frat houses and I went in to go save the night. I walked around this one frat and nothing is really poppin’ so I left. I walked across the street to another frat but left after a minute. Wow, so much for a crazy ass fucking weekend. I guess while I walked into that frat a little riot broke out across the street. Sweet I missed the only excitement of the night so far. I walked back to the other frat, where the lads were standing outside. We gave this frat another try and walked over to the door. The door was locked so we waited for someone to open it. While we were waiting there were these two girls outside and I started the talking and the next thing were grinding! The door opens and we go in for the kill. I was walking up the stairs floor by floor and going into random rooms trying to find a rager. I go through the first two floors and I found nothing. I got to the third floor and I walked into the first room; and they were pussies with sober dildos stuck up their vagina's. So I walked into the next room and there are about 6 frat guys just chillin’.
Porch: “WHERES THE RAGGER AT?!”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Where are the raggers at?”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Get out silly!” (Mocking him)
He got up and walked over to me. I was leaning against the door frame and then I stood up. Assuming he is going to close the door but no. He pushes me into the wall and I grab him by the throat. All the other frat cunts swarm in and I was surrounded by them. He punches me and I punched him back. Hurley came running over and puts one of the guys in a head-lock. My body was leaned down to the front and my shirt was coming off. All I could hear was “WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?!” I get pushed out of it and these two guys were telling me to leave. I tried to put together what the fuck just happened while I walked out of the frat. We all met outside and started walking down the street as we gave up on our night. We ended up waiting for our taxi in the rain for around 45 minutes. While we were waiting people were walking past us and having their own conversations. This one group of people walked past us and they were talking about some girl ruining a relationship or something and I made a comment on it saying: “Dumb bitch.” She turned to me and starts walking backwards and said “YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KEEP WALKING!” I was standing still and there was some Dumb Kid standing and staring at me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him, but while he was standing there like the retard he is; Sampson said in a loud and clear enough voice “Yo what is this kid doing?” Dumb Kid walked away. As we continued to wait we were calling everyone in our phonebook to party. From nobody answering to not being allowed to go to where ever they are. Fuck U of I.
We finally get to the hotel around 10pm and started drinking again. These two girls, Natalie and Chrissy, came over and we started to play Porch’s Circle. This game is hard to explain but somehow it was like if Natalie knew how to play. Natalie 1. Chrissy 0. We tried explaining it to Chrissy but that was basically pointless. It was like a deaf person talking to a wall. Natalie 1. Chrissy -1. These girls were pretty cool but Chrissy looked like she got ass raped by alcohol. She was fucked sideways in and out of the bag. As we were playing I hear Natalie mention something about my buddy Gayles. I LOVE GAYLES! Gayles is one of those guys that everybody in the world has to meet at least 67 times in their life time. Natalie 2. Chrissy -1. Hurley and Sampson drank on their own while Flip and I drank with the girls. Before we started playing it was time for a blunt. We would smoke blunts in the bathroom so the room wouldn’t smell of weed. We were smoking in this little tiny bathroom with a shower in it. Puff puff pass is going real well until miss no hands DROPS THE BLUNT INTO THE TOILET! WTF are you kidding me?! There was about a quarter of a gram blunt left! Natalie 2. Chrissy -2. We went back to play Porch’s Circle and Chrissy was just a zombie at this point. There’s a 99.9% chance she doesn’t remember any of this and will read this hopefully laughing but yet saying “Ahh shit.” I don’t know if she was able to talk but she sat there and attempted to play. I ended up getting extra drunk and blacked out but I guess she ended up spilling her drink like four times in a row all over my playing cards. Natalie 2. Chrissy -7.
I woke up in the morning to Sampson with half of a McDouble in my face. I nearly shit my pants with joy! I was dying of hunger enough as it was. I slowly ate it and enjoyed every little ounce that burger had. They asked me if I wanted to go to McDonalds with them and I was so down. I got up and I seen Natalie and Chrissy sharing the same pillow and Flip is past out on the chair. We walked over them and went to McDonalds. We got food and then Hurley the Purl Master rolled a blunt and the puffin’ began. Once we got done with all that we go back to the hotel and the girls needed a ride to the dorms. We picked them up and not even 5 minutes down the road Chrissy forgot her phone. Natalie 2. Chrissy -8. She kept saying she was sorry but I believe the hangover she had was punishment enough. We got her phone and head back towards the dorms again. They were chit-chatting and I over hear Chrissy say: “Yeah it doesn’t snow in Carbondale except for the winter.” I start laughing and said “Well no shit it doesn’t snow unless in the winter! Hahahahahaha.” I don’t think she like that very much, whoops! We get back to the hotel and Flip is pissed. Why? Well because we “left” him at the hotel for 3 hours. Sorry you were passed out, get over it. He said he’s leaving us and going to party with other friends. He leaves the hotel without saying anything and we just looked at each other and wondering if he actually left. I texted Flip to see where he went but he didn’t reply. We chilled on beers and watched ESPN. He eventually came back; I guess he went to McDonalds for that McChicken he asked for. We all chilled and drank a little bit until some friends came over. We drank and smoked in the hotel room and it was clam baked pretty hard. We opened the door to let the smoke out and it pours out viscously. We did that numerous times over the weekend and that was probably the most fun we got out of it. Later on that night we debate on what we are doing. Time and money was a problem. Flip and I were broke so if we would want to do anything Sampson and Hurley would have to pay. We had a party that was an option but we tried calling a few of the pubs to see if there were any dubstep going on.
Flip: “Hello do you guys have any dubstep playing tonight?”
Bartender: “Hey! No there will be no dubstep tonight but we do have some Whompin’ Wednesdays’!”
Hurley: “WHOMPIN’ WEDNESDAY?! HAHA YOU FAGGOT!”
Porch: “What the fuck is that? Is that something from Burger King?!”
We hung up the phone and we found another pub with dubstep. We talked about going then Sampson and Flip ended up arguing about shit and that didn’t go so well. All plans have failed so we decided it was time for a blunt since it was too late to get alcohol and we ended up sitting in the hotel with nothing to do. But we didn’t have any blunt wraps. Hurley, Flip, and I walked to the gas station for it. We ended our night with two blunts, none left for the ride home, some pizza and ESPN. FML. Unofficial was officially a disaster. Fuck everything about it and all it became; Never again.
Stay Wasted, Porch.
Porch: “WHERES THE RAGGER AT?!”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Where are the raggers at?”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Get out silly!” (Mocking him)
He got up and walked over to me. I was leaning against the door frame and then I stood up. Assuming he is going to close the door but no. He pushes me into the wall and I grab him by the throat. All the other frat cunts swarm in and I was surrounded by them. He punches me and I punched him back. Hurley came running over and puts one of the guys in a head-lock. My body was leaned down to the front and my shirt was coming off. All I could hear was “WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?!” I get pushed out of it and these two guys were telling me to leave. I tried to put together what the fuck just happened while I walked out of the frat. We all met outside and started walking down the street as we gave up on our night. We ended up waiting for our taxi in the rain for around 45 minutes. While we were waiting people were walking past us and having their own conversations. This one group of people walked past us and they were talking about some girl ruining a relationship or something and I made a comment on it saying: “Dumb bitch.” She turned to me and starts walking backwards and said “YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KEEP WALKING!” I was standing still and there was some Dumb Kid standing and staring at me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him, but while he was standing there like the retard he is; Sampson said in a loud and clear enough voice “Yo what is this kid doing?” Dumb Kid walked away. As we continued to wait we were calling everyone in our phonebook to party. From nobody answering to not being allowed to go to where ever they are. Fuck U of I.
We finally get to the hotel around 10pm and started drinking again. These two girls, Natalie and Chrissy, came over and we started to play Porch’s Circle. This game is hard to explain but somehow it was like if Natalie knew how to play. Natalie 1. Chrissy 0. We tried explaining it to Chrissy but that was basically pointless. It was like a deaf person talking to a wall. Natalie 1. Chrissy -1. These girls were pretty cool but Chrissy looked like she got ass raped by alcohol. She was fucked sideways in and out of the bag. As we were playing I hear Natalie mention something about my buddy Gayles. I LOVE GAYLES! Gayles is one of those guys that everybody in the world has to meet at least 67 times in their life time. Natalie 2. Chrissy -1. Hurley and Sampson drank on their own while Flip and I drank with the girls. Before we started playing it was time for a blunt. We would smoke blunts in the bathroom so the room wouldn’t smell of weed. We were smoking in this little tiny bathroom with a shower in it. Puff puff pass is going real well until miss no hands DROPS THE BLUNT INTO THE TOILET! WTF are you kidding me?! There was about a quarter of a gram blunt left! Natalie 2. Chrissy -2. We went back to play Porch’s Circle and Chrissy was just a zombie at this point. There’s a 99.9% chance she doesn’t remember any of this and will read this hopefully laughing but yet saying “Ahh shit.” I don’t know if she was able to talk but she sat there and attempted to play. I ended up getting extra drunk and blacked out but I guess she ended up spilling her drink like four times in a row all over my playing cards. Natalie 2. Chrissy -7.
I woke up in the morning to Sampson with half of a McDouble in my face. I nearly shit my pants with joy! I was dying of hunger enough as it was. I slowly ate it and enjoyed every little ounce that burger had. They asked me if I wanted to go to McDonalds with them and I was so down. I got up and I seen Natalie and Chrissy sharing the same pillow and Flip is past out on the chair. We walked over them and went to McDonalds. We got food and then Hurley the Purl Master rolled a blunt and the puffin’ began. Once we got done with all that we go back to the hotel and the girls needed a ride to the dorms. We picked them up and not even 5 minutes down the road Chrissy forgot her phone. Natalie 2. Chrissy -8. She kept saying she was sorry but I believe the hangover she had was punishment enough. We got her phone and head back towards the dorms again. They were chit-chatting and I over hear Chrissy say: “Yeah it doesn’t snow in Carbondale except for the winter.” I start laughing and said “Well no shit it doesn’t snow unless in the winter! Hahahahahaha.” I don’t think she like that very much, whoops! We get back to the hotel and Flip is pissed. Why? Well because we “left” him at the hotel for 3 hours. Sorry you were passed out, get over it. He said he’s leaving us and going to party with other friends. He leaves the hotel without saying anything and we just looked at each other and wondering if he actually left. I texted Flip to see where he went but he didn’t reply. We chilled on beers and watched ESPN. He eventually came back; I guess he went to McDonalds for that McChicken he asked for. We all chilled and drank a little bit until some friends came over. We drank and smoked in the hotel room and it was clam baked pretty hard. We opened the door to let the smoke out and it pours out viscously. We did that numerous times over the weekend and that was probably the most fun we got out of it. Later on that night we debate on what we are doing. Time and money was a problem. Flip and I were broke so if we would want to do anything Sampson and Hurley would have to pay. We had a party that was an option but we tried calling a few of the pubs to see if there were any dubstep going on.
Flip: “Hello do you guys have any dubstep playing tonight?”
Bartender: “Hey! No there will be no dubstep tonight but we do have some Whompin’ Wednesdays’!”
Hurley: “WHOMPIN’ WEDNESDAY?! HAHA YOU FAGGOT!”
Porch: “What the fuck is that? Is that something from Burger King?!”
We hung up the phone and we found another pub with dubstep. We talked about going then Sampson and Flip ended up arguing about shit and that didn’t go so well. All plans have failed so we decided it was time for a blunt since it was too late to get alcohol and we ended up sitting in the hotel with nothing to do. But we didn’t have any blunt wraps. Hurley, Flip, and I walked to the gas station for it. We ended our night with two blunts, none left for the ride home, some pizza and ESPN. FML. Unofficial was officially a disaster. Fuck everything about it and all it became; Never again.
Stay Wasted, Porch.