Occurred Dec. 2010
Written Jan. 2011
Pub crawls always end in disasters; especially if you are Porch McDonagh. The worst kinds of disasters you can run into are the kind that you don’t even remembered what the fuck happened! The disasters that lead from being drunk to blackout drunk before you even know it! This weekend all started off with a phone call from my cousin Tommy.
Written Jan. 2011
Pub crawls always end in disasters; especially if you are Porch McDonagh. The worst kinds of disasters you can run into are the kind that you don’t even remembered what the fuck happened! The disasters that lead from being drunk to blackout drunk before you even know it! This weekend all started off with a phone call from my cousin Tommy.
Tommy: “What’s the craic man?!”
Porch: “Bummin’ at work man, what you at?”
Tommy: “Not a bit a mhac. Aoi come here, you coming out to Spiker’s for my surprise birthday party? ”
Porch: “Not much of a surprise party now is it? Yeah sound man I’ll head over after work. Sure I will be there around 11:30pm. NOT A BOTHER BOIIIII!”
Tommy: “Sound man; give us a buzz when you’re head here”
Porch: “Sound so. Good luck man.”
The Irish lingo can be confusing I guess to the yanks so here is a little translation:
Craic: Craic can mean a couple things but when someone says “any craic?” or “what’s the craic?” it means “what’s up?” and no not crack cocaine.
What you at: This means what are you doing not where are you at.
A mhac: the definition means son but it can be used as “dude” or “bro”
Aoi: it’s like saying “hey”
Sound: If you’re familiar with the slang word “straight” then that’s the perfect definition. If not the sound means like cool and chill. Ex. “he is sound.” “That’s sound.”
Good Luck: Goodbye.
I was thinking to myself at work and I’m like FUCK! If I go home shit, shave, and shower I will never get there. Fuck it, I will be good. I asked my buddy Enrique to give me a ride to the city because it was on his way home. As always, he’s got my back. We left work at 11pm and got there a half hour later. I walked in to see the whole Irish gang. I seen Tommy and head over there, the beerin’ begins! I go to get a drink and of course they don’t take credit. Fucking bull shit, whatever Tommy got me a couple drinks until I had to walk to an ATM. This is in Chicago in the beginning of December so that means its fucking freezing outside! A penguin couldn’t masturbate out there without ice cubes peepin’ out of his little dick. So I went outside and looked around to see if there’s any ATM’s around. I looked to the right and I see a 7-Eleven way too far away. Sweet there goes that option, but then I looked over to the left and I seen a bank. Of course it’s a not a chase bank but whatever. I ran down there in the fucking snow slipping everywhere like a jimmy without a pregnancy pill. Finally made it over and took out some cash then dipped back. Once I got back my buddy Gary called me telling me he landed at the bar. Gary also only had his credit card so he had to go to the ATM as well. We were all drinking but it’s a dive bar. I was 20 years old and that was the bar I could get into but Tommy gave me an ID I could use. We drink away and last call rolls around. Time for Jaeger-bombs, we throw back as many as we can get and we hopped into a taxi and onto the next pub. We get into the next pub and before I buy a beer I was dying for the bathroom! As I’m dying for a piss I’m chattin’ away with a few lads about random dumb shit. I didn’t really see any bitches when I walked in so I asked the lads to see what’s good.
Porch: “So where the bitches at?!”
Lad: “Not here anyway!”
Porch: “Well yeah no fucking shit. Any bars open till 4am?”
Lad: “Not that I know of. Look more into down town! You will get all you need down there!”
Porch: “Ah well fuck! Sure I will figure out something!”
I head into the piss-pot and I was trying to think what we can do after the pub. As it pops into my head I looked at myself in the mirror and say fuck it. Chubby chasin’ it is! Better starts drinking up, besides standards are for sober people. I walked out of the bathroom and went on the hunt. I seen some girls with some big fucker. I walked over and leaned in to buy a drink. I get my drink and start talking to this one girl. Were yapping away and she’s as boring as Russell Simmons math class. It wasn’t a complete fail because I got her number for a party and a few beers out of it. I quickly gave up and I walked back over to Tommy and the Irish crowd to figure out if it’s us just smoking or going out for more drunkenness. We went outside for a fag and the phone calling begins. Tommy found a place we could all go to so we all got in the taxi and drop the girls off then head to where ever Tommy was bringing me. We got there and we walked down a dark alley. Ok, what the fuck? This is so sketchy and I feel like I’m going to get shot. We walked in and it was like an underground bar. Not literally underground, a bar that isn’t for the public. I looked around and there was a bunch of drunk people everywhere. There was a bar that sells beer and some blue mix drink. We grabbed some beers and played some pool. It was around 4:30am at this point and I’m shit-faced. As the drinking goes on I was talking to this one girl, we were laughing and having fun. Well that’s what I thought anyway until the bartender flipped out on me!
Fat Bartender: “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?! Get your hands off of her!!!!!”
Porch: “What the fuck are you talking about I’m not doing shit!”
Fat Bartender: “Yeah you did, I seen you!!!!”
Porch: “Umm no I didn’t, was I all over you?”
Girl: “No you were fine.”
Fat Bartender: “Just stay the fuck away from her! She’s taken!”
Tommy: “PORCH! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!”
Porch: “WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS THE ONE GETTING YELLED AT!!!!”
Tommy: “I know your drunk but all these women are taken.”
Porch: “Sure I wasn’t doing anything though. Was I Manny?”
Manny: “I didn’t see you do anything.”
Tommy: “Doesn’t matter if you did or not just stay away from them.”
Porch: “Yeah whatever.”
The night of drinking continues and he introduced me to the owner of the place. His name is Mike and he looks like a straight up fucking mobster! Beer after beer and we head off back to Tommy’s at about 8am.
I woke up and sure enough the head is hurting and my belly is twisted. I put on the movie Old School, I charge my phone, took my morning shit, and tried waking up Tommy to smoke.
Porch: “Hurry up and wake up good lad, lets smoke.”
Tommy: “Grab yourself a joint and smoke away.”
Porch: “Sound.”
Sparked up the joint and I just chilled for a while and watched Old School. Tommy always says I’m like “Frank-The-Tank” from the movie which Will Farrell plays the role so I just had to watch it! I grabbed my phone and let the texts blow up my phone. Getting high and watching a movie is always awesome; especially in the morning! Laughing away, thinking what will the day bring me, and when I go to check my texts there it is. I completely forgot about this! The Annual Rugby Pub Crawl is today! Sarah is trying to convince to get out there ASAP. They already started the pub crawl at Durty Nellie’s and I told her I will meet them at Peggy Kinnane’s. I looked into my wallet and see a few twenty dollar bills and then text Chase bank to see my bank account. Money kind of short so I will have a few beers and then I will bum around the town then go drunk sledding. Tommy wakes up and he was dying of the hangover! He spent a day and a half in the shower until one of the lads gets here to take me to the pub crawl. I waited in the car with Pixie and this cunt was taking forever. Finally he came out so we can head off. Pixie drops me off at Jimmy Johns and I go in for a bite to eat before I meet up with the rugby gang. I seen a few old friends from high school that work there.
Chris: “Well look who it is! What’s up porch?”
Porch: “Not much man just hungover.”
Chris: “Not surprised ya’ Irish bastard! What are you having boyo?”
Porch: “I got a pub crawl to go to now on top on my fucking hangover too! Slim 1 please.”
Chris: “Hahahahahaha you never change do you?”
Porch: “Not in this generation! Thanks man I will be talking to you soon.”
I finished up eating said peace and then head to the pub. I get to the pub and I shook hands and ordered a pint of Guinness. We started the chatting and hurried up on the drinking. As always Sarah is asking me if Rachel Pirate will be coming with for the pub crawl. I give Rachel Pirate a buzz and sure enough she will meet us at the next pub. We walked across the street to another pub and as I ordered a bucket of beer I realized I left my debit card at the other bar. The bucket was filled with beers and I told her I have to go get my card. I got my card, came back, and I didn’t even get charged for the bucket! AWESOME! Chilling on a few beers and then Rachel Pirate called me. I walked over to get her and walked with her into the pub. Introduced her to a couple people and I ordered her a Vodka OJ. Drinking and all sorts of shit goes on and our time is up. Time for the next pub! (Which Rachel Pirate ends up leaving, whatever her loss)We hopped on the train and who do I see but the two little cunts Jack and Russell with their two ladies! I got time till I get off so I got time to fuck around. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t really remember what exactly what happened or what I said but I do remember making everybody laugh. But here’s what I do remember.
We took a seat and the train we hit a bump and I’d say “Did we just run over a bunch of Jews?”
Looking around and I see a cutie!
Porch: “Mhhmmmm waddup gurl?! (Huge eyes and licking my lips) You see that? See that, that’s eye fucking! Ima eye fuck the shit out of you bitch”
Jack: “How about eye raping?”
Porch: “Haha you can call it that too! Oh Jack one thing, you know what I hate about you?! ”
Jack: “What is that Porch?”
Porch: “You got more friends than me on Facebook! Like seriously! I’m 20 years old and a sophomore in college and you are a junior in high school. Fuck you.”
Jack: “Oh I’m sorry Porch. I’m just that awesome I guess.”
Porch: “Yeah I guess…”
Jokes go on and I got lucky with this one! With this joke here is a description: there was a poster of a black dog and it said something like saving people and is always there to protect and serve.
Porch: “Wait, what? Protect and serve? Oh yeah too bad you’re black!”
They die laughing and just as I said the joke I noticed there were four older black women sitting down about 15 feet away. I get the most awkward/oh shit face and freak out but luckily they didn’t even say anything. Shit goes on and my stop is up. I said peace and headed off to the next pub. We drank away played some pool and hopped on the next train and now I’m drunk. Defiantly fucked up! I’m on the train yelling “GUCCI!” “ITS GUCCI MANE N IT’S OFF DA CHAIN!” ”WAKA FLAKA!” drunkenness at its finest! Got to love it! People are telling me to stop but that’s not happening. While I was in the back of the train with Juvey and I heard some older lady yelling at one of my teammates. Instantly I start yelling “FUCK OFF!” “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” “IT’S GUCCI TIME!” She left and the instructors walk over to see what happened and apparently the woman didn’t like the language we were using or something women bitch about. I don’t remember much. I started hitting on some girl sitting behind me. Epic fail, if I could not slur every sentence we could get something going but fuck it. We got off and walked into a bar close to downtown Chicago. We drank away there and talking to some girls and not so successful but whatever. Money is short and time to hit up one of the colleges. I called my friend Taylor to see if she wants to get drunk. She says she’s down and I can crash in her dorm. I walked out of the pub and stopped a taxi.
Porch: “Hey man I got to go to UIC but I don’t think my card will go through.”
Taxi Driver: “No my friend! No money, no good!”
I got out and I see a bus drive by. I flagged down the bus and there’s a bunch of people in it drinking and going crazy inside of it.
Porch: “Yo man you going to UIC?”
Bus Driver: “Are you apart of the party?”
Porch: “No but I need a ride to UIC.”
Bus Driver: “No can do buddy, I’m sorry.”
Porch: “Ah come on please man!”
A couple guys came over and there was one Indian faggot talking shit and a white guy trying to tell me to leave nicely and it’s a private party.
Indian Faggot: “Dude get the fuck out of here!”
Porch: “Fuck off ya cunt!”
White Guy: “Yo man chill, sorry you’re not able to get on the bus its invite only.”
Porch: “Oh for sure man no worries.”
Indian Faggot: “Yeah bro fuck off!”
Porch: “TALK SHIT GET HIT BITCH!”
(I walked up in the bus and they white guy tries to get me off the bus.)
White Guy: “Sorry about my friend man but you can’t come in. Sorry bro.
Porch: “Alright for sure man no worries man. Take it easy.”
Indian Faggot: “KEEP WALKING BITCH!”
(Bus leaving and door still open)
Porch: “I SMELL WEED! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!”
Fuck them, I won that battle. I flagged down another taxi and just didn’t tell him that my card might not go through. He takes to UIC and I give him my card and it worked like a charm! I met up with Taylor and her friend Michelle. Before going up to the dorms we went to the Dominic’s down the street to get some alcohol. AND IT IS FUCKING FREEZING! On our way I had to pee so bad! I walked over to get a cheap bottle of vodka and another bottle of Captain Morgan but while I’m looking there is no way I can hold this pee any longer! I ran to find a bathroom but no good! I went to customer service but nobody is there! I saw a pair of key that said “Women’s bathroom.” Fuck it, I took it and found someone that worked there to lead me to the bathroom. I was working my way over there and I just couldn’t hold it any longer! I had my chest squished down to my knees and I was doing everything I possibly could to NOT PISS MY PANTS! I was about 20 feet away from the bathroom and I start leaking out pee. FUCK DUDE FUCK!!!!!!! I ran through the women’s bathroom door and luckily nobody was in there so I quickly took my pants off and started exploding with piss EVERYWHERE! There wasn’t a spot without piss on it. Arguably one of the best pisses I’ve ever encountered but not worth pissing my fucking pants. Once I was done peeing I thought to myself. How can I get this piss stain off my pants? I had a piss stain about the size of a softball right in plain and clear view next to my penis. I took off my pants and boxers and started drying them on the automatic hand dryer. I was in there for about 10 minutes trying to dry the fucking piss off of my fucking clothes but no fucking luck. Pissed or pissed? I would say pissed drunk! And yes, the saying is very true “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Cool now I’m pissed off and pissed on. I throw on a sad face and as I walked out. I seen the girls and the first thing Taylor does is look down and see my piss stain. I told her the story and she replied “Whatever it will dry off on the way home.” I got the alcohol and I brought it to the cashier. There was a line and I wanted to get a monster or two to keep me awake and to mix with the Vodka. I left the two bottles at the cashier and I went to get a monster. I walked over, pick a green monster, and what do I do with it? Dropped it on the floor and it started spraying out EVERYWHERE! First reaction: OH SHIT, FUCK! I pick up the monster and start sucking it! It was spraying out pretty hard so I open the top to reduce the pressure. I chug a little bit and left on its side so nothing else would spill out. I walked away like nothing happened and stood back in line. As I was in line; I’m thinking and I need another monster! I grabbed another monster and paid for everything then we left. As we were leaving one of the workers was cleaning up my mess. I seen him cleaning and I couldn’t help but laugh! Not only because he was cleaning it but that it actually happened! I’m pretty sure he knew it was me.
Jewel Worker: “You think it’s funny, huh?”
Porch: “Hahaha um yeah kind of!”
Jewel Worker: (Mean muggin’) “Get out of here!”
You can dress me up but you can’t take me out! Once we got back we met up with Nev and headed up to the dorm rooms to start drinking. They were sober and I was fucked up! It was the fucked up when you drink so much you just have a consistent drunk going but not that drunk. Ya know? Well that didn’t last for long. As I said before, I’m a beer boy. No hard liquor for me! Very rarely I will but I stick to my beer 99.9% of the time. I started drinking Vodka & Monster. I pour about ¼ of a 750 ml of Vodka into my cup n top it off with my Monster. Soon enough you can only imagine what happens.
[BLACK OUT]
I woke up with a viscous hangover and I noticed my pants were wet. OH SHIT! I felt the bed and it’s dry as a desert. I’m trying to think how this might have happened. Maybe I just spilled something on me; I’m sure that’s it. The girls walked in and I just put my head down and yelled “OOOOWWWWWWW!!! MY FUCKING HEAD!”
Porch: “Ugh what happened last night?”
Taylor: “Well you got drunk and pissed the bed.”
Porch: “Really? The sheets are dry though? ”
Taylor: “Yeah well you slept on the other bed and then once you pissed you changed beds.”
Porch: “Haha that’s funny.”
Taylor: “Um yeah you got to clean them.”
Porch: “Yeah that’s fine. Do you have shorts and can I shower?”
Taylor: “No I don’t but yeah sure.”
Porch: “For sure! Where is it?”
Taylor: “Go out the door and to the left. Wait, what’s that on your neck? (Looks over to Michelle) Did you do that to him last night?”
I just met Michelle that night and not to be racist but I am not into black girls and never was with one. I mean, she’s pretty good looking for a black girl but this is HUGE news to me! I ran into the bathroom and checked out my neck. Well holy fucking shit! I have two monstrous hickeys on my neck. One is on my left side that looked like a penis and one is on the right which was pretty noticeable. I hate hickeys! They are ugly and everybody has to make a comment about it. Fuck you all. I couldn’t believe it! I jumped into the shower trying to get over it. The shower felt amazing; washing my hangover away was beautiful! When I’m hungover I tend to yell and grunt randomly for some random reason. I don’t know; it just feels good I guess. I walked back in to see them cleaning the sheets and I told them I was leaving, grabbed my monster, and dipped. No cleaning piss wet sheets for me! I started walking to target to change my clothes and boxers but the shittiest part of it all, well besides the fact I pissed my pants, since I pissed my pants when I was walking down the street, the cold wind was hitting against my wet spots of my jeans and making ice fucking cold. Sick life, right? I finally made it there and grab some sweatpants, boxers, put them on, left, and moved onto the next scene. Since I was already in the city I figured I would go to the Sears Tower. I never been there before so why not? I get there and it’s $16 to go to the top. Yeah fuck that, I defiantly didn’t go up top! If I was with a group of people then maybe but no. I was with my piss stained clothes. I grabbed some Jimmy Johns and it was time to go home. I met up with some friends to smoke and chill. Everybody is asking me who gave me the hickeys? My only response could simply be: “I don’t know, I got drunk and woke up with them. But I may have fucked a black chick though haha.” I still wonder to this day what happened that night but this was all the info I could have got by e-mailing Nev over Facebook.
Porch: “Yo man do you remember what happened on Saturday night? I kind of blacked out and now my neck is raped with hickeys. “
Nev: “Hahahaha yeah you were fucking trashed and trying to rape Michelle! Hahaha to funny.”
Porch: “Haha how did I get the marks on my neck? Like legit rape or fuckin’ around rape?”
Nev: “I have no idea.”
Porch: “Fuck man! Did anyone else come over? Did I hook up with Michele?”
Nev: “Oh I mean like fuckin’ around rape.”
Porch: “Ok good! Yeah I went from pretty drunk but yet functionally drunk to shit housed black out after like a couple sips out of my drink! Ah fuck man I made bits into the bed as well. Fuck it, can’t get thaaaaat drunk anymore.”
After that morning especially from pissing out Lake Michigan it makes you not want to get that fucked up again! Even though I’m going to still do it, you got to be careful going out getting fucked up and sleeping with random bitches. One drunken night can fuck up a lot of things in your life. So be careful but yet stay sippin’. Well if I ever find out what actually happen, I’m sure it will be a mystery waiting to be found out.
Stay Wasted, Porch.
Porch: “Bummin’ at work man, what you at?”
Tommy: “Not a bit a mhac. Aoi come here, you coming out to Spiker’s for my surprise birthday party? ”
Porch: “Not much of a surprise party now is it? Yeah sound man I’ll head over after work. Sure I will be there around 11:30pm. NOT A BOTHER BOIIIII!”
Tommy: “Sound man; give us a buzz when you’re head here”
Porch: “Sound so. Good luck man.”
The Irish lingo can be confusing I guess to the yanks so here is a little translation:
Craic: Craic can mean a couple things but when someone says “any craic?” or “what’s the craic?” it means “what’s up?” and no not crack cocaine.
What you at: This means what are you doing not where are you at.
A mhac: the definition means son but it can be used as “dude” or “bro”
Aoi: it’s like saying “hey”
Sound: If you’re familiar with the slang word “straight” then that’s the perfect definition. If not the sound means like cool and chill. Ex. “he is sound.” “That’s sound.”
Good Luck: Goodbye.
I was thinking to myself at work and I’m like FUCK! If I go home shit, shave, and shower I will never get there. Fuck it, I will be good. I asked my buddy Enrique to give me a ride to the city because it was on his way home. As always, he’s got my back. We left work at 11pm and got there a half hour later. I walked in to see the whole Irish gang. I seen Tommy and head over there, the beerin’ begins! I go to get a drink and of course they don’t take credit. Fucking bull shit, whatever Tommy got me a couple drinks until I had to walk to an ATM. This is in Chicago in the beginning of December so that means its fucking freezing outside! A penguin couldn’t masturbate out there without ice cubes peepin’ out of his little dick. So I went outside and looked around to see if there’s any ATM’s around. I looked to the right and I see a 7-Eleven way too far away. Sweet there goes that option, but then I looked over to the left and I seen a bank. Of course it’s a not a chase bank but whatever. I ran down there in the fucking snow slipping everywhere like a jimmy without a pregnancy pill. Finally made it over and took out some cash then dipped back. Once I got back my buddy Gary called me telling me he landed at the bar. Gary also only had his credit card so he had to go to the ATM as well. We were all drinking but it’s a dive bar. I was 20 years old and that was the bar I could get into but Tommy gave me an ID I could use. We drink away and last call rolls around. Time for Jaeger-bombs, we throw back as many as we can get and we hopped into a taxi and onto the next pub. We get into the next pub and before I buy a beer I was dying for the bathroom! As I’m dying for a piss I’m chattin’ away with a few lads about random dumb shit. I didn’t really see any bitches when I walked in so I asked the lads to see what’s good.
Porch: “So where the bitches at?!”
Lad: “Not here anyway!”
Porch: “Well yeah no fucking shit. Any bars open till 4am?”
Lad: “Not that I know of. Look more into down town! You will get all you need down there!”
Porch: “Ah well fuck! Sure I will figure out something!”
I head into the piss-pot and I was trying to think what we can do after the pub. As it pops into my head I looked at myself in the mirror and say fuck it. Chubby chasin’ it is! Better starts drinking up, besides standards are for sober people. I walked out of the bathroom and went on the hunt. I seen some girls with some big fucker. I walked over and leaned in to buy a drink. I get my drink and start talking to this one girl. Were yapping away and she’s as boring as Russell Simmons math class. It wasn’t a complete fail because I got her number for a party and a few beers out of it. I quickly gave up and I walked back over to Tommy and the Irish crowd to figure out if it’s us just smoking or going out for more drunkenness. We went outside for a fag and the phone calling begins. Tommy found a place we could all go to so we all got in the taxi and drop the girls off then head to where ever Tommy was bringing me. We got there and we walked down a dark alley. Ok, what the fuck? This is so sketchy and I feel like I’m going to get shot. We walked in and it was like an underground bar. Not literally underground, a bar that isn’t for the public. I looked around and there was a bunch of drunk people everywhere. There was a bar that sells beer and some blue mix drink. We grabbed some beers and played some pool. It was around 4:30am at this point and I’m shit-faced. As the drinking goes on I was talking to this one girl, we were laughing and having fun. Well that’s what I thought anyway until the bartender flipped out on me!
Fat Bartender: “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?! Get your hands off of her!!!!!”
Porch: “What the fuck are you talking about I’m not doing shit!”
Fat Bartender: “Yeah you did, I seen you!!!!”
Porch: “Umm no I didn’t, was I all over you?”
Girl: “No you were fine.”
Fat Bartender: “Just stay the fuck away from her! She’s taken!”
Tommy: “PORCH! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!”
Porch: “WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS THE ONE GETTING YELLED AT!!!!”
Tommy: “I know your drunk but all these women are taken.”
Porch: “Sure I wasn’t doing anything though. Was I Manny?”
Manny: “I didn’t see you do anything.”
Tommy: “Doesn’t matter if you did or not just stay away from them.”
Porch: “Yeah whatever.”
The night of drinking continues and he introduced me to the owner of the place. His name is Mike and he looks like a straight up fucking mobster! Beer after beer and we head off back to Tommy’s at about 8am.
I woke up and sure enough the head is hurting and my belly is twisted. I put on the movie Old School, I charge my phone, took my morning shit, and tried waking up Tommy to smoke.
Porch: “Hurry up and wake up good lad, lets smoke.”
Tommy: “Grab yourself a joint and smoke away.”
Porch: “Sound.”
Sparked up the joint and I just chilled for a while and watched Old School. Tommy always says I’m like “Frank-The-Tank” from the movie which Will Farrell plays the role so I just had to watch it! I grabbed my phone and let the texts blow up my phone. Getting high and watching a movie is always awesome; especially in the morning! Laughing away, thinking what will the day bring me, and when I go to check my texts there it is. I completely forgot about this! The Annual Rugby Pub Crawl is today! Sarah is trying to convince to get out there ASAP. They already started the pub crawl at Durty Nellie’s and I told her I will meet them at Peggy Kinnane’s. I looked into my wallet and see a few twenty dollar bills and then text Chase bank to see my bank account. Money kind of short so I will have a few beers and then I will bum around the town then go drunk sledding. Tommy wakes up and he was dying of the hangover! He spent a day and a half in the shower until one of the lads gets here to take me to the pub crawl. I waited in the car with Pixie and this cunt was taking forever. Finally he came out so we can head off. Pixie drops me off at Jimmy Johns and I go in for a bite to eat before I meet up with the rugby gang. I seen a few old friends from high school that work there.
Chris: “Well look who it is! What’s up porch?”
Porch: “Not much man just hungover.”
Chris: “Not surprised ya’ Irish bastard! What are you having boyo?”
Porch: “I got a pub crawl to go to now on top on my fucking hangover too! Slim 1 please.”
Chris: “Hahahahahaha you never change do you?”
Porch: “Not in this generation! Thanks man I will be talking to you soon.”
I finished up eating said peace and then head to the pub. I get to the pub and I shook hands and ordered a pint of Guinness. We started the chatting and hurried up on the drinking. As always Sarah is asking me if Rachel Pirate will be coming with for the pub crawl. I give Rachel Pirate a buzz and sure enough she will meet us at the next pub. We walked across the street to another pub and as I ordered a bucket of beer I realized I left my debit card at the other bar. The bucket was filled with beers and I told her I have to go get my card. I got my card, came back, and I didn’t even get charged for the bucket! AWESOME! Chilling on a few beers and then Rachel Pirate called me. I walked over to get her and walked with her into the pub. Introduced her to a couple people and I ordered her a Vodka OJ. Drinking and all sorts of shit goes on and our time is up. Time for the next pub! (Which Rachel Pirate ends up leaving, whatever her loss)We hopped on the train and who do I see but the two little cunts Jack and Russell with their two ladies! I got time till I get off so I got time to fuck around. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t really remember what exactly what happened or what I said but I do remember making everybody laugh. But here’s what I do remember.
We took a seat and the train we hit a bump and I’d say “Did we just run over a bunch of Jews?”
Looking around and I see a cutie!
Porch: “Mhhmmmm waddup gurl?! (Huge eyes and licking my lips) You see that? See that, that’s eye fucking! Ima eye fuck the shit out of you bitch”
Jack: “How about eye raping?”
Porch: “Haha you can call it that too! Oh Jack one thing, you know what I hate about you?! ”
Jack: “What is that Porch?”
Porch: “You got more friends than me on Facebook! Like seriously! I’m 20 years old and a sophomore in college and you are a junior in high school. Fuck you.”
Jack: “Oh I’m sorry Porch. I’m just that awesome I guess.”
Porch: “Yeah I guess…”
Jokes go on and I got lucky with this one! With this joke here is a description: there was a poster of a black dog and it said something like saving people and is always there to protect and serve.
Porch: “Wait, what? Protect and serve? Oh yeah too bad you’re black!”
They die laughing and just as I said the joke I noticed there were four older black women sitting down about 15 feet away. I get the most awkward/oh shit face and freak out but luckily they didn’t even say anything. Shit goes on and my stop is up. I said peace and headed off to the next pub. We drank away played some pool and hopped on the next train and now I’m drunk. Defiantly fucked up! I’m on the train yelling “GUCCI!” “ITS GUCCI MANE N IT’S OFF DA CHAIN!” ”WAKA FLAKA!” drunkenness at its finest! Got to love it! People are telling me to stop but that’s not happening. While I was in the back of the train with Juvey and I heard some older lady yelling at one of my teammates. Instantly I start yelling “FUCK OFF!” “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” “IT’S GUCCI TIME!” She left and the instructors walk over to see what happened and apparently the woman didn’t like the language we were using or something women bitch about. I don’t remember much. I started hitting on some girl sitting behind me. Epic fail, if I could not slur every sentence we could get something going but fuck it. We got off and walked into a bar close to downtown Chicago. We drank away there and talking to some girls and not so successful but whatever. Money is short and time to hit up one of the colleges. I called my friend Taylor to see if she wants to get drunk. She says she’s down and I can crash in her dorm. I walked out of the pub and stopped a taxi.
Porch: “Hey man I got to go to UIC but I don’t think my card will go through.”
Taxi Driver: “No my friend! No money, no good!”
I got out and I see a bus drive by. I flagged down the bus and there’s a bunch of people in it drinking and going crazy inside of it.
Porch: “Yo man you going to UIC?”
Bus Driver: “Are you apart of the party?”
Porch: “No but I need a ride to UIC.”
Bus Driver: “No can do buddy, I’m sorry.”
Porch: “Ah come on please man!”
A couple guys came over and there was one Indian faggot talking shit and a white guy trying to tell me to leave nicely and it’s a private party.
Indian Faggot: “Dude get the fuck out of here!”
Porch: “Fuck off ya cunt!”
White Guy: “Yo man chill, sorry you’re not able to get on the bus its invite only.”
Porch: “Oh for sure man no worries.”
Indian Faggot: “Yeah bro fuck off!”
Porch: “TALK SHIT GET HIT BITCH!”
(I walked up in the bus and they white guy tries to get me off the bus.)
White Guy: “Sorry about my friend man but you can’t come in. Sorry bro.
Porch: “Alright for sure man no worries man. Take it easy.”
Indian Faggot: “KEEP WALKING BITCH!”
(Bus leaving and door still open)
Porch: “I SMELL WEED! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!”
Fuck them, I won that battle. I flagged down another taxi and just didn’t tell him that my card might not go through. He takes to UIC and I give him my card and it worked like a charm! I met up with Taylor and her friend Michelle. Before going up to the dorms we went to the Dominic’s down the street to get some alcohol. AND IT IS FUCKING FREEZING! On our way I had to pee so bad! I walked over to get a cheap bottle of vodka and another bottle of Captain Morgan but while I’m looking there is no way I can hold this pee any longer! I ran to find a bathroom but no good! I went to customer service but nobody is there! I saw a pair of key that said “Women’s bathroom.” Fuck it, I took it and found someone that worked there to lead me to the bathroom. I was working my way over there and I just couldn’t hold it any longer! I had my chest squished down to my knees and I was doing everything I possibly could to NOT PISS MY PANTS! I was about 20 feet away from the bathroom and I start leaking out pee. FUCK DUDE FUCK!!!!!!! I ran through the women’s bathroom door and luckily nobody was in there so I quickly took my pants off and started exploding with piss EVERYWHERE! There wasn’t a spot without piss on it. Arguably one of the best pisses I’ve ever encountered but not worth pissing my fucking pants. Once I was done peeing I thought to myself. How can I get this piss stain off my pants? I had a piss stain about the size of a softball right in plain and clear view next to my penis. I took off my pants and boxers and started drying them on the automatic hand dryer. I was in there for about 10 minutes trying to dry the fucking piss off of my fucking clothes but no fucking luck. Pissed or pissed? I would say pissed drunk! And yes, the saying is very true “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Cool now I’m pissed off and pissed on. I throw on a sad face and as I walked out. I seen the girls and the first thing Taylor does is look down and see my piss stain. I told her the story and she replied “Whatever it will dry off on the way home.” I got the alcohol and I brought it to the cashier. There was a line and I wanted to get a monster or two to keep me awake and to mix with the Vodka. I left the two bottles at the cashier and I went to get a monster. I walked over, pick a green monster, and what do I do with it? Dropped it on the floor and it started spraying out EVERYWHERE! First reaction: OH SHIT, FUCK! I pick up the monster and start sucking it! It was spraying out pretty hard so I open the top to reduce the pressure. I chug a little bit and left on its side so nothing else would spill out. I walked away like nothing happened and stood back in line. As I was in line; I’m thinking and I need another monster! I grabbed another monster and paid for everything then we left. As we were leaving one of the workers was cleaning up my mess. I seen him cleaning and I couldn’t help but laugh! Not only because he was cleaning it but that it actually happened! I’m pretty sure he knew it was me.
Jewel Worker: “You think it’s funny, huh?”
Porch: “Hahaha um yeah kind of!”
Jewel Worker: (Mean muggin’) “Get out of here!”
You can dress me up but you can’t take me out! Once we got back we met up with Nev and headed up to the dorm rooms to start drinking. They were sober and I was fucked up! It was the fucked up when you drink so much you just have a consistent drunk going but not that drunk. Ya know? Well that didn’t last for long. As I said before, I’m a beer boy. No hard liquor for me! Very rarely I will but I stick to my beer 99.9% of the time. I started drinking Vodka & Monster. I pour about ¼ of a 750 ml of Vodka into my cup n top it off with my Monster. Soon enough you can only imagine what happens.
[BLACK OUT]
I woke up with a viscous hangover and I noticed my pants were wet. OH SHIT! I felt the bed and it’s dry as a desert. I’m trying to think how this might have happened. Maybe I just spilled something on me; I’m sure that’s it. The girls walked in and I just put my head down and yelled “OOOOWWWWWWW!!! MY FUCKING HEAD!”
Porch: “Ugh what happened last night?”
Taylor: “Well you got drunk and pissed the bed.”
Porch: “Really? The sheets are dry though? ”
Taylor: “Yeah well you slept on the other bed and then once you pissed you changed beds.”
Porch: “Haha that’s funny.”
Taylor: “Um yeah you got to clean them.”
Porch: “Yeah that’s fine. Do you have shorts and can I shower?”
Taylor: “No I don’t but yeah sure.”
Porch: “For sure! Where is it?”
Taylor: “Go out the door and to the left. Wait, what’s that on your neck? (Looks over to Michelle) Did you do that to him last night?”
I just met Michelle that night and not to be racist but I am not into black girls and never was with one. I mean, she’s pretty good looking for a black girl but this is HUGE news to me! I ran into the bathroom and checked out my neck. Well holy fucking shit! I have two monstrous hickeys on my neck. One is on my left side that looked like a penis and one is on the right which was pretty noticeable. I hate hickeys! They are ugly and everybody has to make a comment about it. Fuck you all. I couldn’t believe it! I jumped into the shower trying to get over it. The shower felt amazing; washing my hangover away was beautiful! When I’m hungover I tend to yell and grunt randomly for some random reason. I don’t know; it just feels good I guess. I walked back in to see them cleaning the sheets and I told them I was leaving, grabbed my monster, and dipped. No cleaning piss wet sheets for me! I started walking to target to change my clothes and boxers but the shittiest part of it all, well besides the fact I pissed my pants, since I pissed my pants when I was walking down the street, the cold wind was hitting against my wet spots of my jeans and making ice fucking cold. Sick life, right? I finally made it there and grab some sweatpants, boxers, put them on, left, and moved onto the next scene. Since I was already in the city I figured I would go to the Sears Tower. I never been there before so why not? I get there and it’s $16 to go to the top. Yeah fuck that, I defiantly didn’t go up top! If I was with a group of people then maybe but no. I was with my piss stained clothes. I grabbed some Jimmy Johns and it was time to go home. I met up with some friends to smoke and chill. Everybody is asking me who gave me the hickeys? My only response could simply be: “I don’t know, I got drunk and woke up with them. But I may have fucked a black chick though haha.” I still wonder to this day what happened that night but this was all the info I could have got by e-mailing Nev over Facebook.
Porch: “Yo man do you remember what happened on Saturday night? I kind of blacked out and now my neck is raped with hickeys. “
Nev: “Hahahaha yeah you were fucking trashed and trying to rape Michelle! Hahaha to funny.”
Porch: “Haha how did I get the marks on my neck? Like legit rape or fuckin’ around rape?”
Nev: “I have no idea.”
Porch: “Fuck man! Did anyone else come over? Did I hook up with Michele?”
Nev: “Oh I mean like fuckin’ around rape.”
Porch: “Ok good! Yeah I went from pretty drunk but yet functionally drunk to shit housed black out after like a couple sips out of my drink! Ah fuck man I made bits into the bed as well. Fuck it, can’t get thaaaaat drunk anymore.”
After that morning especially from pissing out Lake Michigan it makes you not want to get that fucked up again! Even though I’m going to still do it, you got to be careful going out getting fucked up and sleeping with random bitches. One drunken night can fuck up a lot of things in your life. So be careful but yet stay sippin’. Well if I ever find out what actually happen, I’m sure it will be a mystery waiting to be found out.
Stay Wasted, Porch.