Occurred Aug. 2012
When white lies turns into a reality check of oh shit, you know you are doing something right. Might not be in some people’s eyes, but there are some things in life where you just simply don’t give a shit about. Now, what do we have in store for us today? Let’s sit around the campfire and listen.
The talking began and the flirting over powered the talking. As you could of guess, half of the conversation was her asking me to buy shots. You know I’m always down for shots, especially those early Sunday morning Jameson’s with Mr. Bui, but I was currently as broke as MC Hammer. Now, how can I keep her around without providing her? There are a few tricks, fucking with her is key and most defiantly making her laugh. If you can make her laugh, then she’s gonna stick around longer than a boner on Viagra. But Darrel was talking to her before I was; I didn’t want to pull a robbery on my boy.
Porch: “Yo Darrel, you trying to hit that?”
Darrel: “Kind of, you can if you want.”
Porch: “Are you sure? Fair game?”
Darrel: “Fair game buddy.”
The ball was in my court; it was time to shoot the jay and seemed to be my only option. The flirting increased between us; her looks and smile was a solid three pointer. When we were talking, she kept disappearing from time to time. At one point, when my rugby buddy Billy came, we decided to have a fag while she was wondering around the bar. While she was wondering, she left her purse where she was sitting. I didn’t want to leave her purse unattended, so we took her purse out for a fag as well.
Not long after the fag was smoked, Cute Girl made her way out to the beer garden. She grabbed her purse and told me to follow her. At this point, we have been kissing a little bit and we were on the babe name calling game, pretty solid start without a dime in my pocket. I followed her in and again she was asking for more shots. I kept telling her that my buddy Robert had my money, which was an obvious lie, but I didn’t want to look like a bum either. Nothing wrong with telling a few fibs right?
Coming up to last call was a good thing for me, and as for her, she went wondering again looking for a few shots that none of us can blame her for. Just gotta find the right guy with enough money to make up for his lack of game. During that, I was hanging out with Billy and a few of his friends. In the middle of that, my drunk ass came up with a perfect game plan.
Porch: “I’m going to tell her I’m driving her home, but when we get to my car, I’m going to tell her it got towed!”
I don’t understand how I think of such things, to end such nights, on such random days, but if there is anything as such, it’s the way you Stay Wasted. Obviously I didn’t think this out at all, but it was just a thought I became committed to for no apparent reason. Also on a side note, I don’t have a car or a license. Cute Girl came back after another wondering session, when she came back she was asking where Darrel was. Neither of us had a clue, but instead we started making our way to my imaginary car.
Once we left Durty Nellie’s, Cute Girl was in a rush walking steps ahead of me. I told her to slow her roll because little did she know, she was walking nowhere. Once we arrived into the Lamplighter Tavern parking lot, she asked if the first car in the lot was mine. After I declined, she asked if the red car was mine. I declined again and asked her if she knew what a Ford Expedition was, and she didn’t.
Porch: “Hmmm I don’t know where it is…I think it got towed.”
Cute Girl wasn’t happy but after I broke her some made up news, Billy and his friends pulled up right on time. Cute Girl told me she had to go pee and that’s when I walked over to Billy to fill him in on the excitement.
Porch: “So walking over here was really funny but now that we’re here, I got a reality check that this girl is now stranded in Palatine at four o’clock in the morning with work at ten o’clock. Can you help me out?”
Billy: “Hahahaha yeah I figured something bad would end up happening, that’s why I came. But yeah, I can drive her home.”
Pew, this could have ended up real bad! Honestly, I didn’t think about the aftermath the slightest bit at all. Luckily God is always on my side. Once I was done talking to Billy, I walked over to Cute Girl to inform her on some good news. I found Cute Girl trying to get into Lamplighters Tavern at four thirty in the morning, which has been closed for over three hours. The sight was hilarious, she was trying to open the door and the look on her face just showed you the mind process she was going through. I told her that the pub was closed and Billy was giving her a ride home! I also gave her a piggy back over to Billy, like the gentleman I am! When we piggy backed over to Billy, he told us he had to get his car from Durty Nellie’s, but before we walked over he had to go pee. Cute Girl was becoming impatient after a minute and started walking over back to Durty Nellie’s complaining about how cold she was. I didn’t want to leave Billy while he was peeing but she insisted on walking over. After walking about two minutes, she started asking about my car again. I kept telling her that I didn’t have a clue where it went and re-informing her that Billy was going to drive us; then she started asking where Billy was. As I looked back to where Billy was, I didn’t see him. After another minute, I looked back again and still didn’t see him. Hmmm, I wonder where is he? Cute Girl continued to complain about how cold it was and that she wanted to go home. I pulled out a work shirt I had in a bag I had for her to warm up. Looking back over my shoulder, I still didn’t see Billy. I tried calling him a few times, but no answer.
Cute Girl walked over to the restaurant of the parking lot we were standing in, I followed over continuing to call Billy. After a few more phone calls I received this text from Billy.
Billy: “I’m in a cop car bro…I can only text sorry…it was me getting busted or you guys.”
Are you fucking kidding me?! Maybe God isn’t always on my side considering this is strike two! Ugh, third time’s a charm? But what is going to be strike three? I have no money, no car, and now no more Billy?! Over some thinking, I might be able to make this work; I called Dan The Man to see if I can ask him for an IOU cab ride.
Porch: “Do you wanna have a sleep over?”
Cute Girl: “Yeah, but I have work in the morning.”
Porch: “Okay, that’s fine but you have to be honest with me here. I don’t want to end up being stranded outside your house when we get there.”
Cute Girl: “No, I’m being honest! I do want to hook up with you but I’m kind of tired so I might sleep instead.”
Porch: “It’s okay, we can snuggle if anything.”
Dan The Man rolled up right behind us and she jumped in the right side while I asked Dan The Man to confirm the IOU and thankfully he was the life saver of the night. When I sat down in the cab, Cute Girl looked over at me with her cute face and preciously said “Actually, I don’t know if you can sleepover…” I rolled my eyed and said fuck it, moments after that, Cute Girl got right on top of me. Which was awesome don’t get me wrong, but I was also thinking if she was only doing this because I was taking her home? I know that I’m down for some late night cab ride smooching but I’m a nice guy…for the most part.
Porch: “You know you don’t have to do this?”
Right after I said that, Cute Girl got in a little huff while she got off of me. I rolled my eyes, put my arm around her, lifted up her chin, and gave her a kiss. We started going at it again with no questions ask for the majority of the ride. Oh! You know what else I forgot to tell you readers?! Cute Girl is 100% Irish! Not only is she a thing of beauty but she is a one of kind like myself! As we continued to hook up, my fidgety fingers came in play and inched its way up to home base. With her short shorts she had on, it wasn’t a hard barrier to climb over, but there was only room for one soldier.
The closer we got to her house, Dan The Man needed help with a few directions. We put the fun on pause until so. Once we arrived to her house, she asked me if I wanted to come inside with her. Uhhh YEAH?! Can’t keep me hanging like my blue balls I’d have! I said thanks to Dan The Man and we walked over to her garage door.
Cute Girl: “Sshhh…you’re going to have to be quite!”
We walked in through the garage door, and through one more to go into her house. Cute Girl was a head of me by a few steps and once I got inside I heard more than one voice...it was her fucking Dad. Well Jesus Mary and Joseph! I just can’t get a break! Okay, so maybe I told a lie or two but all of this can’t be the karma! Once I heard his voice I turned into a statue and didn’t move a millimeter nor make a sound. At this point, you best believe that I was fucking freaking out like a drunk twenty-one year old about to get a beating from some girls Father. Cute Girl’s Dad was asking her numerous questions and after about a minute of that, she walked right upstairs into her bedroom. Wait…what? Ummmm really? Uhhh seriously? Fucking shit…
As the minutes went by as my new life as a statue, I believe I was the first statue ever to shit their pants. So much shit, that I could fill up a fucking Zoo. Well, I didn’t really shit, just figuratively. As I was still standing there, I had so many thoughts running through my head.
“How the fuck am I going to explain to her Dad why I am in his house?!”
“Should I leave?”
“Holy shit, what am I going to say?!”
“Oh yeah, I just came home with your baby girl at five in the morning, how was your day?”
Still standing in a panic, but yet slightly hidden. Where I was standing was the door leading to the garage, there was about a four foot gap until the hall way. Also, where I was standing, I could see the path into the kitchen. (This was about eight feet to the left and five feet forward) It was an easy angle where eye contact is very possible. That is the only angle my eyes were looking at just waiting for one of the worst moments of my life. I didn’t see any movement until I seen her Dad walk past that path. My heart jumped an extra 15 beats per minute. Waiting a little more to see him walk past again, my heart raised an extra 25 beats per minute. Is that enough for you? Nope, her Dad walked past one more time! How didn’t we make eye contact?! How didn’t he see a six foot three two hundred and twenty pound man standing in his view?! I don’t give a fuck why, any reason why at all, as long as he didn’t see me, that was all that matter. After the third time he walked by, he sat down in the living room to read the news paper. Holy fuck when will this end?! If I walk out the door he will hear me and then simply kill me with an axe or something.
After about five minutes, Cute Girl came back down telling me that I had to leave and she wanted my number too. I gave her the ten digits instead of the seven inches and quietly walked out with my blue balls behind me. After another minute, Cute Girl called me explaining to me what I already figured out, but I was also kind of hoping she was going to tell me to wait a minute for her Dad to go to sleep. But no, I had to call back Dan The Man for another IOU which in total cost me forty dollars. Cute Girl and I had our fun but it was cut short for one night. I think we will have another one…I mean; she still has my work shirt.
What a night, how do I do it?! How do I find myself in these situations that are unthinkable? You’re guess is just as good as mine because I haven’t a clue. But if I would take a guess, I would say it is because you can only live life one step at a time, and not giving a fuck what happens within the next fifteen minutes. We have to make these times the best and most importantly make them last because just like the biggest douche bag frat boy always says…YOLO!
Stay Wasted, Porch.