Written March 2011
I started my Friday morning at 8am without sleep but with some beers and a shot or two of Jameson and Ketel One Vodka. I was never so pumped up for a weekend to come. Unofficial is one of the biggest drinking weekends in the nation for all colleges. It’s an all day drinking fiesta starting at 6am and its free-for-all from there on. I get picked up at 9 am from the lads; Sampson, Hurley, and Flip. Were ready for our 3 hour trip down to Champaign! Blunts, beers, and bitches. This weekend will be fucking epic!
Porch: “WHERES THE RAGGER AT?!”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Where are the raggers at?”
Frat Cunt: “Get out.”
Porch: “Get out silly!” (Mocking him)
He gets up and walks over to me. I was leaning against the door frame and then I stand up. Assuming he is going to close the door but no. He pushes me into the wall and I grab him by the throat. All the other frat cunts swarm in and I’m surrounded by them. He punches me and I punch him back. Hurley comes running over and puts one of the guys in a head-lock. My body was leaned down to the front and my shirt was coming off. All I can hear is “WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?! WHO IS THIS GUY?!” I get pushed out of it and these two guys are telling me to leave. I’m trying to put together what the fuck just happened and I just walk out of the frat. We meet outside and start walking down the street as we give up on our night. We ended up waiting for our taxi in the rain for around 45 minutes. While we were waiting people are walking past us and having their own conversations. This one group of people walked past us and they are talking about some girl ruining a relationship or something and I comment on it saying: “Dumb bitch.” She turns to me and starts walking backwards and says “YOU WANNA FIGHT?! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT KEEP WALKING!” I was standing still and there was some Dumb Kid standing and staring at me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking at him, but while he was standing there like the retard he is; Sampson says in a loud and clear enough voice “Yo what is this kid doing?” Dumb kid walked away. As we continue to wait we are calling everyone in our phonebook to party. From nobody answering to not being allowed to go to where ever they are. Fuck U of I.
We finally get to the hotel around 10pm and start drinking again. These two girls, Natalie and Chrissy came over and we started to play Porch’s Circle. This game is hard to explain but somehow it was like if Natalie knew how to play. Natalie 1. Chrissy 0. We tried explaining it to Chrissy but that was basically pointless. It was like a deaf person talking to a wall. Natalie 1. Chrissy -1. These girls are pretty cool but Chrissy looked like she got ass raped by alcohol. She was fucked sideways in and out of the bag. As we are playing I hear Natalie mention something about my buddy Gayles. I LOVE GAYLES! Gayles is one of those guys that everybody in the world has to meet at least 67 times in their life time. Natalie 2. Chrissy -1. Hurley and Sampson drank on their own while Flip and I drank with the girls. Before we started playing it was time for a blunt. We would smoke blunts in the bathroom so the room wouldn’t smell of weed. We were smoking in this little tiny bathroom with a shower in it. Puff puff pass is going real well until miss no hands DROPS THE BLUNT INTO THE TOILET! WTF are you kidding me?! There was about a quarter of a gram blunt left! Natalie 2. Chrissy -2. We went back to play Porch’s Circle and Chrissy is just a zombie at this point. There’s a 99.9% chance she doesn’t remember any of this and will read this hopefully laughing but yet saying “Ahh shit.” I don’t know if she was able to talk but she sat there and attempted to play. I ended up getting extra drunk and blacked out but I guess she ended up spilling her drink like four times in a row and all over my playing cards. Natalie 2. Chrissy -7.
I wake up in the morning to Sampson with half of a McDouble in my face. I nearly shit my pants with joy! I was dying of hunger enough as it was. I slowly ate it and enjoyed every little ounce that burger had. They ask me if I want to go to McDonalds with them and I was so down. I get up and I see Natalie and Chrissy sharing the same pillow and Flip is past out on the chair. We walk over them and went to McDonalds. We got food and then Hurley the Purl Master rolled a blunt and the puffin’ began. Once we got done with all that we go back to the hotel and the girls needed a ride to the dorms. We pick them up and not even 5 minutes down the road Chrissy forgot her phone. Natalie 2. Chrissy -8. She kept saying she was sorry but I believe the hangover she had was punishment enough. We get her phone and head back towards the dorm again. They are chit-chatting and I over hear Chrissy say “Yeah it doesn’t snow in Carbondale except for the winter.” I start laughing and say “Well no shit it doesn’t snow unless in the winter! Hahahahaha.” I don’t think she like that very much, whoops! We get back to the hotel and Flip is pissed. Why? Well because we “left” him at the hotel for 3 hours. Sorry you were passed out, get over it. He says he’s leaving us and going to party with other friends. He leaves the hotel without saying anything and we just look at each other and wondering if he actually left. I text Flip to see where he went but he didn’t reply. We chill on beers and watch ESPN. He eventually came back; I guess he went to McDonalds for that McChicken he asked for. We all chilled and drank a little bit until some friends came over. We drank and smoked in the hotel room and it is clam baked pretty hard. We open the door to let the smoke out and it pours out viscously. We do that numerous times over the weekend and that was probably the most fun we got out of it. Later on that night we debate on what we are doing. Time and money was a problem. Flip and I were broke so if we would want to do anything Sampson and Hurley would have to pay. We had a party that was an option but we tried calling a few of the pubs to see if there were any dubstep going on.
Flip: “Hello do you guys have any dubstep playing tonight?”
Bartender: “Hey! No there will be no dubstep tonight but we do have some Whompin’ Wednesdays’!”
Hurley: “WHOMPIN’ WEDNESDAY?! HAHA YOU FAGGOT!”
Porch: “What the fuck is that? Is that something from Burger King?!”
We hung up the phone and we found another pub with dubstep. We talked about going and Sampson and Flip ended up arguing about shit and that didn’t go so well. All plans have failed so we decided it was time for a blunt since it was too late to get alcohol and we ended up sitting in the hotel with nothing to do. But we didn’t have any blunt wraps. Hurley, Flip, and I walked to the gas station for it and we ended out night with two blunts and none left for the ride home. We ended our night with pizza and ESPN. FML. Unofficial was officially a disaster. Fuck everything about it and all it became. Never again.
Stay Wasted, Porch.