Written Jan. 2011
Just ant other Friday would begin; it would be at my gas ass work DHL. Working at DHL wasn’t the worst job but just being there is hell. As I’m working my cousin Tommy calls me. (Tommy is also from Ireland)
Tommy: “what’s the craic man?!”
Porch: “Bummin’ at work man, what you at?”
Tommy: “not a bit a mhac. Aoi come here, you coming out to Spikers for my surprise birthday party? ”
Porch: “not much of a surprise party now is it? Yeah sound man I’ll head over after work. Sure I will be there around 11 30pm. NOT A BOTHER BOIIIII!”
Tommy: “Sound man give us a buzz when you’re head here”
Porch: “Sound so. Good luck man.”
Craic: Craic can mean a couple things but when someone says “any craic?” or “what’s the craic?” it means “what’s up?” and no not crack cocaine.
What you at: this means what are you doing not where are you at.
A mhac: the definition means son but it can be used as “dude” or “bro”
Aoi: it’s like saying “hey”
Sound: if you’re similar with the slang word “straight” then that’s the perfect definition. If not the sound means like cool and chill. Ex. “he is sound.” “That’s sound.”
Good Luck: Goodbye.
I’m thinking to myself as I work and I’m like FUCK! If I go home shit, shave, and shower I will never get there. Fuck it I will be good. I ask my buddy Enrique to give me a ride to the city because it’s on his way home. As always he’s got my back. We leave work at 11 and get there a half hour later. I walk in and there’s a bunch of the Irish gang. I see Tommy and head over there, the beerin’ begins! I go to get a drink and of course they don’t take credit. Fucking bull shit, whatever Tommy got me a couple drinks until I had to walk to an ATM. This is in Chicago in the beginning of December so that means its fucking freezing outside! A penguin couldn’t masturbate out there without ice cubes peepin’ out of his little dick. So I go outside and look around to see if there’s any ATM’s around. I look to the right and I see a 7-Eleven way too far away. Sweet there goes that option, but then I look over to the left and I see a bank. Of course it’s a not a chase bank. I run down there in the fucking snow slipping everywhere like a jimmy without a pregnancy pill. Finally made it over and took out some gas and dipped back. Once I get back my buddy Gary calls me telling me he’s at the bar. Gary also only had his credit card so he had to go to the ATM as well. Were all drinking but it’s a dive bar. I’m 20 years old and that was the bar I could get into but Tommy gave me an ID I could use. We drink away and last call rolls around. Time for Jaeger-bombs, we throw back as many as we can get and we hop into a taxi and onto the next pub. We get into the next pub and before I buy a beer I dying for the bathroom! As I’m raging for a piss I’m chattin’ away with a few guys about random dumb shit. I didn’t really see any bitches when I walked in so I asked the lads to see what’s good.
Porch: “So where the bitches at?!”
Guy: “Not here anyway!”
Porch: “Well yeah no fucking shit. Any bars open till 4am?”
Guy: “Not that I know of. Look more into down town! You will get all you need down there!”
Porch: “Ah well fuck! Sure I will figure out something!”
I head into the piss-pot and I’m trying to think what we can do after the pub. As it pops into my head I look at myself in the mirror and say fuck it. Chubby chasin’ it is! Better starts drinking up, besides standards are for sober people. I walk out of the bathroom and go on the hunt. I see some girls and some big fucker. I walk over and lean in to buy a drink. I get my drink and start talking to this one girl. Were yapping away and she’s as boring as Russell Simmons math class. It wasn’t a complete fail because I got her number for a party and a few beers out of it. Chubby chasing I quickly gave up on. I go back to Tommy and the Irish crowd and try to figure out if us just smoking or going out for more drunkenness. We go outside for a cig and the phone calling begins. We all drunk and fucking cold and once again, were in Chicago in December. Tommy says he has a place for us to go to. We get in the taxi and drop the girls off and head to where ever Tommy is bringing me. We get there and we walk down a dark alley. Ok what the fuck? This is so sketchy and I feel like I’m going to get shot. We walk in and it is like an underground bar. Not literally underground, a bar that isn’t for the public. I look around and there’s a bunch of drunken people everywhere. There’s a bar that sells beer and some blue mix drink. We grab some beers and play some pool. It’s around 4 30am at this point and I’m dick-faced drunk. As the drinking goes on I’m talking to this one girl, we laughing and having fun. Well that’s what I thought anyway until the bartender flipped out on me!
Fat Bartender: “What the fuck are you doing?!?!?! Get your hands off of her!!!!!”
Porch: “What the fuck are you talking about I’m not doing shit!”
Fat Bartender: “Yeah you did, I seen you!!!!”
Porch: “Umm no I didn’t, was I all over you?”
Girl: “No you were fine.”
Fat Bartender: “Just stay the fuck away from her! She’s taken!”
Tommy: “PORCH! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!”
Porch: “WHY THE FUCK AM I ALWAYS THE ONE GETTING YELLED AT!!!!”
Tommy: “I know your drunk but all these women are taken.”
Porch: “Sure I wasn’t doing anything though. Was I Manny?”
Manny: “I didn’t see you do anything.”
Tommy: “Doesn’t matter if you did or not just stay away from them.”
Porch: “Yeah whatever.”
The night goes on and we were still drinking and he introduces me to the owner of the place. His name is mike and he looks like a straight up fucking mobster! Were in a bathroom and another guy Steve (I think) walks in. I’m fucked up and then its hits me when the coke gets lined out! Why else would we be in here. I don’t do any coke so I’m just chilling but being in the environment of it is weird. The weed world is like everyday life. I wake up looking for a toke and hoping to smoke before I go to bed too but this was just weird. They do their thing and I’m out like a baby daddy. We go back on the beer and around 6-7am you see me with my head on the bar passed out! I don’t remember anything else after that.
I wake up and sure enough the head is hurting and my belly is twisted. I put on the movie old school and I charge my phone, took my morning shit and try waking up Tommy to smoke.
Porch: “Hurry up and wake up good lad, lets smoke.”
Tommy: “Grab yourself a joint and smoke away.”
Sparked up the joint and I just chill while I watch old school. Tommy always says I’m like “Frank-The-Tank” from the movie which Will Farrell plays the role. I grab my phone and let the texts blow up my phone. Getting high and watching a movie is always awesome; especially in the morning! Laughing away and thinking what will the day bring me and when I go to check my texts there it is. I completely forgot about this! The Annual Rugby Pub Crawl is today; Sarah is trying to convince to get out there ASAP. They already started the pub crawl at Durty Nellie’s and I tell her meet them at Peggy Kinnane’s. I look into my wallet and see a few twenty dollar bills and then text Chase bank to see my bank account. Money kind of short so I will have a few beers and then I will bum around the town and go drunk sledding. Tommy wakes up and he’s dying of the hangover! He spends a day and a half in the shower then one of the lads gets here to take me to the pub crawl. I wait in the car with Pixie and this cunt is taking forever. Finally he comes out and we head off. Pixie drops me off at Jimmy johns and I go in for a bite to eat before I meet up with the rugby gang. I see a few old friends from high school that work there.
Chris: “Well look who it is! What’s up porch?”
Porch: “Not much man just hung-over.”
Chris: “Not surprised ya’ Irish bastard! What are you having boyo?”
Porch: “I got a pub-crawl to go to now on top on my fucking hang over too! Slim 1 please.”
Chris: “Hahahahaha you never change do you?”
Porch: “Not in this generation! Thanks man I will be talking to you soon.”
I finish up eating say peace and then head to the pub. I get to the pub and I shake hands and order a pint of Guinness. We start the chatting and hurry up on the drinking. As always Sarah is asking me if Rachel will be coming with for the pub crawl. I give Rachel a buzz and sure enough she will meet us at the next pub. We walk across the street to another pub and as I order a bucket I realized I left my debit card at the other bar. The bucket is filled with beer and I tell her I got to go run n get my card. I get my card come back and I didn’t even get charged for the bucket. AWESOME! Chilling on a few beers and then Rachel calls me. I walk over to get her n walk into the pub with her. Introduce her to a couple people and I order her a vodka OJ. Drinking and all sorts of shit go on and our time is up. Time for the next pub! (Which Rachel ends up leaving, whatever her lossJ)We hop on the train and who do I see but the two little cunts Jack and Russell! I got time till I get off so I got time to fuck around. Throughout the train ride I couldn’t really remember what exactly what happened or what I said but I do remember making everybody laugh. But here’s what I do remember: We take a seat and the train we hit a bump and I say “Did we just run over a bunch of Jews?” looking around and I see a cutie,
Porch: “Mhhmmmm waddup gurl?! (Huge eyes and licking my lips) you see that? See that, that’s eye fucking! Ima eye fuck the shit out of you bitch”
Jack: “How about eye raping?”
Porch: “Ha-ha you can call it that too! Oh Jack one thing, you know what I hate about you?! ”
Jack: “What is that Porch?”
Porch: “You got more friends than me on Facebook! Like seriously! I’m 20 years old and a sophomore in college and you are a junior in high school. Fuck you.”
Jack: “Oh I’m sorry Porch. I’m just that awesome I guess.”
Porch: “Yeah I guess…”
Jokes go on and I got lucky with this one! With this joke here is a description: there was a poster of a black dog and it said something like saving people and is always there to protect and serve.
Porch: “Wait, what? Protect and serve? Oh yeah too bad you’re black!”
They die laughing and just as I say the joke I notice 4 older black women sitting down about 15 feet away. I get the most awkward/oh shit face and freak out. Luckily they didn’t even say anything. Shit goes on and my stop is up. I say peace and head off to the next pub. We drink away play some pool n hop on the next train and now I’m drunk. Defiantly dick faced! I’m on the train yelling “GUCCI!” “ITS GUCCI MANE N IT’S OFF DA CHAIN!” ”WAKA FLAKA!” drunkenness at its finest! Got to love it! People are telling me to stop but that’s not happening. While I’m in the back with Juvey and I hear some older lady yelling at one of my teammates. Instantly I start yelling “FUCK OFF!” “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” “IT’S GUCCI TIME!” She leaves and the instructors walk over to see what happened and apparently the woman didn’t like the language we were using or something women bitch about. I don’t remember much. I start hitting on some girl sitting behind me. Epic fail, if I could not slur every sentence we could get something going but fuck it. We get off n walk into a bar close to downtown Chicago. We drink away there and talking to some girls and not so successful but whatever. Money is short and time to hit up one of the colleges. I call my friend Taylor and see if she wants to get drunk. She says she’s down and I can crash in her dorm. Before I get there I’m looking for a cab. I stop a cab hop in and say:
Porch: “Hey man I got to go to UIC but I don’t think my card will go through.”
Taxi Driver: “No my friend! No money, no good!”
I get out and I see a bus drive by. I flag down the bus and there’s a bunch of people in it drinking and going crazy.
Porch: “Yo man you going to UIC?”
Bus Driver: “Are you apart of the party?”
Porch: “No but I need a ride to UIC.”
Bus Driver: “No can do buddy, I’m sorry.”
Porch: “Ah come on please man!”
A couple guys come over and there’s one Indian faggot talking shit and a white guy trying to tell me to leave nicely and it’s a private party.
Indian Faggot: “Dude get the fuck out of here!”
Porch: “Fuck off ya cunt!”
White Guy: “Yo man chill, sorry you’re not able to get on the bus its invite only.”
Porch: “Oh for sure man no worries.”
Indian Faggot: “Yeah bro fuck off!”
Porch: “TALK SHIT GET HIT BITCH! (I walk up in the bus and they white guy tries to get me off the bus.)”
White Guy: “Sorry about my friend man but you can’t come in. sorry bro.”
Porch: “Alright for sure man no worries man. Take it easy.”
Indian Faggot: “KEEP WALKING BITCH!”
(Bus leaving and door still open)
Porch: “I SMELL WEED! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!”
Fuck them I won that battle. I flag down another taxi and just don’t tell him that my card might not go through. He takes to UIC and I give him my card and it worked like a charm! I meet up with Taylor and her friend Michelle and we go to get alcohol at Dominic’s and the walk was forever and cold as hell! On our way I had to pee so badly! I walk over to get a cheap bottle of vodka and another bottle of Captain Morgan but while I’m looking and there is no way I can hold this pee any longer! I run to find a bathroom and no good! I go to customer service but nobody is there. I see a key that says “Women’s bathroom.” Fuck it, I take it and find someone who works there to lead me to the bathroom. I’m working my way over there and I just can’t hold it any longer! I have my chest squished down to my knees and I do everything I can possible do to NOT PISS MY PANTS! I’m about 20 feet away from the bathroom and I start leaking out pee. FUCK DUDE FUCK!!!!!!! I ran through the women’s bathroom door and luckily nobody was in there and I whip my pants off and start pissing EVERYWHERE! There wasn’t a spot without piss on it. Arguably one of the best pee’s ever but not worth pissing my fucking pants. One I’m done peeing I’m thinking to myself. How can I get this piss stain off my pants? I take off my pants and boxers and start drying them on the automatic hand dryer. I’m in there for about 10 minutes trying to get the piss out of my clothes! As it goes on I get it about half way done. Pissed or pissed? I would say pissed drunk! And yes, the saying is very true “It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on.” Cool now I’m pissed off and pissed on. I throw on a sad face as I walk out when I see the girls and the first thing Taylor does is look down n see my piss stain. I tell her the story and she replies “Whatever it will dry off on the way home.” I go get the alcohol and I bring it to the cashier. There is a line and I wanted to get a monster or two to keep me up and mix with the vodka. I leave the two bottles and I go to get a monster. I walk over pick a green monster and what do I do with it? Dropped it on the floor and it starts spraying out EVERYWHERE! First reaction: OH SHIT, FUCK! I pick up the monster and start sucking it! It’s spraying out pretty hard so I open the top to reduce the pressure. I chug a little bit and leave it so nothing else would spill out. I walk away like nothing happened and I wait in line. As I’m in line I’m thinking and I need a monster! I grab two and pay for everything and then we leave. As I was leaving one of the workers were cleaning up my mess. I see him cleaning and I can’t help but laugh! Not because he was cleaning it but that it actually happened! I’m pretty sure he knew it was me.
Jewel Worker: “You think it’s funny, huh?”
Porch: “Hahaha um yeah kind of!”
Jewel Worker: (Mean muggin’) “Get out of here!”
You can dress me up but you can’t take me out! We walk back and Mike (Taylor’s boyfriend) lets us in. We go up in the dorm rooms and start drinking. They are sober and I am fucked up! It was the fucked up when you drink so much you just have a consistent drunk going but not that drunk. Ya know? Well that didn’t last for long. As I said before, I’m a beer boy. No hard liquor for me! Very rarely I will but I stick to my beer 99.9% of the time. I start drinking vodka & monster. I pour about ¼ of 750 ml into my cup n top it off with my monster. Soon enough BLACK OUT! I wake up with a viscous hangover and I notice my pants are wet. OH SHIT! I feel the bed and it’s dry as a desert. I’m trying to think how this might have happened. The girls walk in and I just put my head down and yell “OOOOWWWWWWW!!! MY FUCKING HEAD!” (I slept in one of her roommate’s dorm because she was gone for the weekend.)
Porch: “Ugh what happened last night?”
Taylor: “Well you got drunk and pissed the bed.”
Porch: “Really? The sheets are dry though? ”
Taylor: “Yeah well you slept on the other bed and then once you pissed you changed beds.”
Porch: “Haha that’s funny.”
Taylor: “Um yeah you got to clean them”
Porch: “Yeah that’s fine. Do you have shorts and can I shower?”
Taylor: “No I don’t and yeah sure.”
Porch: “For sure! Where is it?”
Taylor: “Go out the door and to the left. Wait, what’s that on your neck? (looks over to Michelle) did you do that to him last night?”
I just met Michelle that night and not to be racist but I am not into black girls and never was with one. I mean, she’s pretty good looking for a black girl but this is HUGE news to me. I run into the bathroom and check out my neck. Well holy fucking shit! I have two monstrous hickeys on my neck. One is on my left side that looked like a penis and one is on the right which was pretty noticeable. I hate hickeys! They are ugly and everybody has to make a comment about it. Fuck you all. I cannot believe it! I jump into the shower trying to get over it. The shower felt amazing; washing my hangover away was beautiful! When I’m hung-over I tend to yell and grunt randomly for some random reason. I don’t know it feels good I guess. I walk back in tell them I’m leaving, grab my monster and dip. No cleaning dirty sheets for me! I’m walking to target to change my clothes and boxers and it is so cold out and the wind is hitting the wetness of my pants. Yes I’m wearing pants and boxers that have piss all over them, what a life. I finally make it there and grab some sweatpants and boxers put them on and then head off. Since I was already in the city I figured I would go to the Sears Tower. I never been there before so why not? I get there and it is $16 to go to the top. Yeah fuck that I defiantly didn’t go up top! If I was with a group of people then maybe, I grab some Jimmy Johns and go home. I meet up with friends to smoke and chill and everybody is asking me who gave me the hickeys? My only response could simply be: “I don’t know, I got drunk and woke up with them. I might have of fucked a black chick though ha-ha.” I still wonder till this day what happened that night but this was all the info I could have got by e-mailing mike over Facebook.
Porch: “lol yo man do you remember what happened on sat night? Lol kind of blacked out my neck is raped with hickeys I guess lol”
Mike: “hahhahahah yea u were fucking trashed and trying to rape Michelle. Hahaha to funny.”
Porch: “haha how did I get the marks on my neck? Like legit rape or fuckin’ around rape?”
Mike: “I have no idea.”
Porch: “fuck man lol did anyone else come over? Lol did I hook up with Michele?”
Mike: “Oh I mean like fuckin’ around rape.”
Porch: “Ok good haha yeah I went pretty drunk but yet functional-able to shit housed black out after like a couple sips out of my drink lol ah fuck man I made bits into the bed as well. Fuck it, can’t get thaaaaat drunk anymore.”
After that morning especially for pissing out Lake Michigan it makes you not want to get that fucked up again! Even though I’m going to still do it, you got to be careful going out getting fucked up and sleeping with random bitches. One drunken night can fuck up a lot of things in your life. So be careful but yet stay sippin’. Well if ever find out what actually happen, I’m sure it will be a mystery waiting to be found out.
Stay Wasted, Porch.